What If…

What if it all goes to hell…

What if we die tomorrow…

What if we get caught in World War Three and the casualties are more than we can handle…

What if the Doomsday clock hits midnight…

What if history repeats itself…

What if I don’t get to see my family again…

What if I never get to hold my niece again or even see her smile…

What if we all die in a nuclear explosion…

What if I really am a terrible person…

What if things do get worse and we start seeing people rounded up into camps again…

What if I go to hell…

What if imagination takes us too far into forbidden territory and we never survive…

 

What if I never find a significant other…

What if I can’t have children…

What if I get cancer…

What if this…

What if that…

What if…

So many what ifs and uncertainties in life that scare us or even drive us to certain madness.

And most of the time we focus on those that our demons present us.

We forget the one the angels have saved for us.

They come out of the dark corners and crevices.

And glow so brightly that not even demons can fight it.

What if I find the right one to be with forever.

What if I have an amazing career.

What if I learn something.

What if the world starts to change.

What if we show a little kindness.

What if we spread love.

What if we share music, laughter, joy.

What if we work hard and earn that diploma.

What if we take home a new furry friend who loves us forever.

What if we obsess over an amazing series.

What if we find an amazing new place to eat.

What if we go on a crazy adventure.

What if Dragons do exist.

What if we made magic.

What if we loved our family.

What if I get to see my niece grow and help her tackle life and take it by the horns.

What if so much good happens that the bad will fade away.

What if I go to Heaven.

What if I Succeed.

What if…

What if…

 

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask “What if I fall?”
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”
Erin Hanson

~ The Brooding Dragon

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The Sick

I think…I have the preFaire plague…a week before faire opens…and the week of dress rehearsal…fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccckkkkkk………

I need a doctor…

Okay it’s not that bad, its just a horrendous cough, unbearable congestion and aches that make it hard to move. I’m fine I’m totally fine.

No. No its not fine. I’m not fine.

I absolutely hate being sick because my productivity tanks like below sea level and my attention span is incredibly limited. Which is bad considering I have to somewhat pay attention to pass a class this semester. But its so hard when the class is terribly boring and the professor is just not at all engaging and I have a hard time retaining the information.

Plus I just want to sleep but I can’t breath well because of the congestion and I’m coughing at least every five minutes and it just tears up my throat and hurts my chest…

I just needed to whine. Maybe if I have the energy I can write a poem on it…

~ The Brooding Dragon

I’ve Been Thinking…

Scary I know, a woman thinking in this day and age? How repulsive! She must be a witch!

Certainly feels like it considering who the idiot in office is. Ugh.

Also if you couldn’t tell…that opening statement was sarcasm. Just to make it clear because I know someone out there will think I’m serious and give me full on grief for it.

But I digress.

I’ve been thinking about my novel and my characters in said novel and how they are still stuck in limbo because I have NO IDEA what to do or where to go or how to get from point A to point B. I feel a part of that problem is world building. I haven’t quite built my world for these characters yet. Mostly because I haven’t done the research for it. This world I want to build…I don’t want it to encompass just the western part of civilization. Don’t get me wrong its gorgeous but not nearly as intriguing as literally EVERYWHERE ELSE.

I have my fantasy races involved, humans, who muck up everything, elves: wood, high, and dark, orcs, halfbreeds, lycans, and dragonpeople which I’ve called Dragonkynn. I’m working on a better name for that I swear.

And if the story calls for it dwarves will be added.

I’m working on my set of gods. I have six in total so far, four of whom are nameless and two who are brothers. They are basically the good and evil of the pantheon and I’m still working on their entire story.

I have characters, hopefully diverse enough to where I’m not stereotyping them. Because lets face it I want to break stereotypes. And that is fucking hard. Like, for example, orcs. Typically we see these orcs as brutish and unruly and sometimes uneducated. I want to see orcs being intellectuals and still be able to competently fight. Because of their intellect they survive more in battle because they have a plan for everything.

(Disclaimer: no actual race in this huge project is totally evil, there are sectors that are good and sectors that are evil because THAT IS HOW THE FUCKING WORLD WORKS. Yes there will be rivalries between races of course. But it gives complexity and reflects on the real world.)

And that is literally it. I have no name or map or regions of where people live, customs, clothing, politics, or anything that makes a world a world with culture.

So I’m stuck. Very very stuck.

I just needed to get that off of my chest.

~ The Brooding Dragon

Update On My Life

Hello again.

It has been a week or so since my last entry and I am incredibly sorry for such a long delay. Life has been crazy.

In my last entry I mentioned…or at least I think I mentioned that we had a death in the family.

My dearly departed and sassy ass grandma. May she rest in peace with the good lord above in heaven.

And of course I am sure my grandfather rejoiced when she walked up to those pearly gates. He probably then smacked her firmly on the ass and said “Hey Toots”. That was the kind of relationship they had. Playful, joyful, hardworking, and caring.

Great model for my parents as well as for myself and my sister.

The funeral was on Wednesday and I forgot how long and ritualistic a catholic service was. Okay technically it was two services, one for a rosary meditation type thing, and the actual memorial service where there were hymns prayers and communion.

 

So I’ve been dealing with the loss and grief from that.

I also started the two classes I will be taking for the next thirteen to fourteen weeks which requires me to take a three hour trek up on Monday morning and then back down on Wednesday afternoon which isn’t so bad. At least  I’m not driving to LA and back every weekend.

Plus I also work at the Arizona Renaissance Festival and I have been sewing madly to get my costume (or at least most of it) done. I have a few minor alterations to make but that won’t be too much trouble. It will get done.

Plus I’ve been dealing with Anxiety and that is no fun at all. It’s been pretty low key but I’m working through it and telling it “Fuck you you can’t take over”.

But yeah that is a brief overview of why I’ve been gone.

~The Brooding Dragon

Monsters in My Head

So I am exhausted. Blanket statement, could mean a number of things.

There is college student exhausted, there is parent exhausted, there is exhausted from work, the list goes on and on.

But there is also exhausted from having your mind turn against you like the son of a bitch that it is. I’m talking of course of anxiety.

The most amusing way I can describe anxiety is it is that friend that you all know by face and that kind of lingers around like a fucking creep just waiting to crash a party or group gathering, and when the chance is given, BAM, he fucking comes out of nowhere and makes everyone feel weird or uncomfortable and just doesn’t get the hint to fucking leave until someone forces him to or he says “thanks guys I’ll see you all later bye!” And the cycle begins again.

Anxiety is that annoying friend you hate that invites themselves to your parties and workdays and classes. Which just makes your life so much harder and all around weirder and by the end of the day your so fucking tired of spending all this energy on them and they just leave without compensating you.

I think I just described it as a really shitty sitcom.

But the reality is, anxiety is more of a monster. You know the types that you might have been afraid of as a child, the ones that lurk in the shadows at night or under your bed, even after your parents or guardians say there are no monsters under the bed. As a kid, sometimes that was enough to comfort us. But when you’re a teenager or an adult, the monsters are much more real, and incredibly exhausting to deal with. I run out of spoons because of this sometimes.

They don’t go away easily. They linger, watching and waiting to pounce when you least expect it, or when a fucking tragedy has befallen your family. They attack when you are weakest, clutching, gnawing, squeezing you until you can’t breath or think logically to even move. You can’t do anything. Control is gone and in their hands now and all you can do is act as their puppet.

Anxiety is the real monster under the bed, the one that lingers in the closet, the shadows, the creeks and corners of our minds.

And by the gods it is just an exhausting monster to fight.

At least in my case.

I’ve been dealing with it all day today, in highs and lows. It was totally frantic one moment, sucking me dry of all my energy and patience, and the next it slunk back into its dark little corner all the while leeching my energy rendering me exhausted and forcing me to draw spoons from another day.

Truth be told its ridiculous.

Ridiculous how I let this monster control me and how I feel with one little trigger. Especially when I have logic saying otherwise and that I am being irrational. But then again this monster isn’t at all rational. Not to me who only suffers a mild case of it with huge attacks from time to time. And certainly not to those who suffer more moderate to severe cases. Or even mild cases like me.

But regardless, no matter how exhausting it may be, or draining or even petrifying…

I will rise.

I may be fucking exhausted after having a day filled with three attacks and low key rumblings.

I will fucking rise, and get my shit done.

But please excuse me while I look like a permanently exhausted pigeon doing it.

I need more spoons.

 

~The Brooding Dragon

 

The Show Must Go On

I haven’t posted in a couple of days. I have gotten distracted by life, costume construction, being the Best Auntie Ever, and schoolwork. But recently tragedy has struck the family and it came so quickly that I’m kind of still in shock. However at the same time, I saw it coming. It doesn’t make it hurt any less.

But as the title of this entry says…

The show must go on.

As a theatre practitioner I have lived much of my life by this mantra, and it is absolutely essential to getting through every day. Because you can’t just stop life and make it start again when you are ready. No.

The show must go on.

Yes you can take time for bereavement, time to grieve and time to try and collect yourself, figure out how to move on when tragedy strikes. But that is not a place you can reside in forever. You cannot ignore everything else in the world forever.

The show must go on.

So I work in theatre and tragedy has struck me and my family. Right now we are doing what needs to be done to take care of everything and not let it completely disrupt our lives. We are still working, performing, caring for one another, cleaning, reading, everything.

Because the show must go on!

This show we call life, this show we live in, not ones we watch on television or Hulu where we can just pause when we need to. And we can’t just cancel it because we’ve had an accident, or a death in the family. We work with it. We make it happen by any means possible even if it means stretching and straining ourselves thin.

After all…

The show must go on.

We live in a world where sometimes we don’t get the time we need to grieve…where we don’t get that time to heal, or even process what has happened to us. This is because we are always in “the show must go on” mentality. And when this happens…

It is so damaging to us as humans, as a society, as individuals.

When we set our baggage aside to deal with later or forget about it. We brush it under the rug so we can’t see it and pretend like everything is fine, everything is normal and happy. And the more and more it happens…it starts to pile up and all of a sudden it collapses upon you like an avalanche and you can’t breathe, you can’t think, you can see, you can’t do anything because you’re paralyzed by your grief, by your baggage, by your problems!

It is here…that we must make a decision.

Do we suffocate…under our own bullshit.

Or do we dig a way out? Do we search for that path to enlightenment? Do we find a new normal?

And do we do it to actually recover? Do we pick ourselves up and deal with each issue one by one?

Or do we just brush it off again…and let that mess sit there for the cycle to start back up and repeat?

Do we brush it off because…

The show must go on?

 

~The Brooding Dragon

Two Sides

To be honest this little snippet I wrote about Lucas shows two distinct sides of him. He’s been a character I’m working with and often popped up in my writing while I was dealing with rejection. Kind of as a voice of comfort. Or one I wish I had when dealing with all of this.

Also its an excerpt from a big story project I’m working on.

Warning: Language and Adult themes

 

For the remainder of the night the tension had remained after Corban had gotten into a shouting match with Vida. Markus was well on his way to being drunk, and Karawen had made sure he didn’t drink more than he could handle. Degendry had retreated to her rooms, or rather Alec’s rooms to speak with him, and Lucas, Lucas brooded in the corner just glaring at the paladin who had dared raise his hand let alone his voice to Vida. He made sure to remain unseen as Corban stalked up the stairs to a room he rented for the night and quickly slipped into the door before Corban closed it. Hell before the paladin got a chance to do anything to cool down Lucas advanced upon him, pinning him, armor and all to the wall.

“You know for one who tries to maintain a pure and holy image you are sure doing a shitty job at it.” Lucas growled and used his hand to cover the other man’s mouth while his piercing green eyes met the faded blue ones of the soldier. “I don’t like seeing anyone hurt my girls, yes all these women here are my girls. I love them care about them and make sure they are fucking protected from assholes like you.”

Throughout Lucas’s lecture Corban was utterly confused at why the man was calling him an asshole. He growled and grunted as he wrestled the ranger but to no avail. Lucas was clearly stronger.

“She loved you you know. Vida invested so much time and energy into you. And you didn’t even give her a second look because she wasn’t a pure and holy image of what you think women should be. You showed her a degree of respect because she runs this tavern but there is a hint of disgust I see in your eyes. When she did nothing but love you and care about you. You gave her disdainful looks because she runs a whorehouse along with her tavern. Right now this is the best she can do with the situation she’s been given and you think she and all the other girls can do better!”

“I never -”

“Don’t fucking talk! You don’t get any right or chance to defend yourself you sack of shit! No one will ever meet your standards of perfection because you have a stick so far up your ass that you can’t see straight! And she forgave that. She forgave a lot for you but tonight… tonight was the final straw for her! And for me!” He then punched him hard in the face effectively breaking his nose. “For all the leading on and the disdainful looks you gave behind her back when she wasn’t looking you deserve to have the pulp beaten out of you.” He threw him across the floor into a corner. “And tomorrow you get to go off to the bitch who was falsely crowned because apparently she represents purity in your eyes. You’ve got a lot of skewed views on things you fucker.” Lucas pounced on the man pinning him to the ground eyes burning with rage. “And thanks to you Vida is now broken or at least cracked. Someone has to pick up the pieces. Thank you for making her feel like less than she is.” He stood up and kicked him hard in the face before storming down the stairs and to the room he shared with his beloved Vida.

~~~

Lucas found her sitting on the bed hunched over appearing smaller than she ever had been and took a seat beside her pulling her into his arms where she curled into him and clung to the man for dear life.

“You deserve so so much better than him.” He whispered. “You always have.”

“He can go rot in hell. Let that bastard be an example of how not to be a fucking paladin. His captain even though he gets drunk is better than him!” Vida snapped before bursting into tears again. Lucas felt rage surge within him for making Vida cry, for hurting her in a way he knew he couldn’t heal.

“Whatever he did to you…I’ll make sure he pays for it.” He whispered as he cradled her close rocking her gently. “Whatever he thinks of you do not let it get to you. You are one of the strongest women I know…one of the ones who is doing the best she can with what she has. Your heart…is so big that you care so much about people. Regardless of where they have been.” He reminded her.

“What about you…” She asked quietly. “Do you see me as a dirty whore like he did…do you see me as someone who can do better because my profession is degrading?”

“No.” He tilted her face up to look at him. “I see you…as a woman who is fighting to survive, who is fighting to regain what she has lost, who goes above and beyond for those she loves and cares about. I see a strong woman who has been holding it together for too long and who needs someone to make sure she stands upright when she cannot do it on her own. This arrangement isn’t ideal but right now it’s safe. Safe until all this bullshit is overwith.” He stroked her hair lightly. “Vida I’ve always seen you as someone special, someone who has always been strong. Someone who can capture the heart of someone…and never let it go…” He kissed her forehead. “I love you. I have always loved you and no matter what I always will because you are the best…you are my best friend….you’ve always been that way and I will be damned if I let someone as stupid as Corban hurt you.”

She clung to him tightly. “I should have known…I should have known better….you were right…”

“Shush.” He soothed. “He’s no good for you. I’m no better, but at least I’m honest.” He told her. “Let him go off and get himself killed.” He told her and kissed her head. “I will always love you and be here for you. Because you deserve it.”

 

Just a first draft and it is in need of considerable improvement. But I was emotional when I wrote this and needed to express it in a manner where I wasn’t opening myself up raw again. But yeah. Expect to see more of Lucas in future writings because he’s fun to play with.

~ The Brooding Dragon

 

If I Knew Then What I Know Now

If I knew then what I know now…

I wouldn’t have snitched on a boy in my class in the second grade.

I wouldn’t have gotten so jealous over friends so easily.

I wouldn’t have changed schools just before junior high.

I would have stood up for myself when some girl thought I was a poser in junior high government class.

I would have put more effort into the ceramic pots I made in Ceramics class. And not chewed gum in that class because lets face it that teacher had a gum detector and she just KNEW if you had gum in your mouth no matter how hard you tried to hide it.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I would have applied myself more in my studies and not have had to jump through hoops. Because I found drawing and writing far more fascinating than the lecture on western european culture that’s been hammered into our brains since elementary school, and some bitchy old board was giving it. She even asked what I was writing and I lied and said extensive notes on the overhead. And she didn’t believe me. Almost made me read aloud the smut I was writing. I was thirteen.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I would have begged for my parents to transfer me to a school that honed my talents instead of hindered them. The high school theatre teacher didn’t have a fucking clue what he was doing and I’m pretty sure the skinny bitches and douchebags who had no talent blew him in order to get the leads in Macbeth.

I wouldn’t be holding a grudge about the unfairness that happened to so many talented students, including myself in the performing department at my high school.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I would have still gone to community college first.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I wouldn’t have let my first sexual experience be in another girls dorm room.

I wouldn’t have been friends with her in the first place. And if I knew better I wouldn’t have dated that guy. We know the one, the seemingly nice guy who just wants to get into a hot girl’s pants. He did…I was eighteen.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I wouldn’t have tried cutting myself on purpose with scissors, or even cutting myself at all because I wanted to feel something other than emotional pain. I wouldn’t have spent so many nights crying in my bedroom because I felt empty for not having a boyfriend at the age of sixteen. I’m twenty seven now. I still don’t have a boyfriend. I don’t need one. Unfortunately I get solicited a lot for random reasons and it’s rarely from a woman.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I would have taken the chance to date the friend who said they liked me when I was in high school. I miss her…she’s not dead, we just don’t talk much or even write together anymore. I was just kind of shocked when I found out she liked me and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I shut down. I wasn’t exactly sure how to have a same sex relationship or even understand one.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I would have joined the Renaissance Faire years ago and I would have gotten involved with Brelby Theatre sooner. Let’s face it, I’ve found family in both.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I wouldn’t have had so many failed relationships or attempts at relationships. Considering most of them were they wanted to get into my pants and I let them and I did the same thing a few times.

I wouldn’t have chased my then boyfriend to Florida to work at Disney. I would have gone to work for Disney on my own terms and it would have been in California. Not Florida.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I wouldn’t have internalized the fact that I was sexually harassed in a nightclub because of what I was wearing. And I wouldn’t have allowed my best friend at the time to shame me about it. He turned out to have a thing for me and we had a falling out. And that internalization fucked me up in so many ways.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I wouldn’t have tried to sleep with a coworker’s roommate. But I did. And I enjoyed every minute of it. Because the sex was pretty amazing. I didn’t enjoy the fact that she was a possessive bitch and decided to cause a shit show at work getting whomever she could to be on her side to come against me. Mind you she was older than me and married to someone else when this happened. So there is that, which is kind of fucked up really. It kind of wrecked me in ways that I didn’t know or understand at the time.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I wouldn’t have run from something that could have been amazing.

I wouldn’t have fallen so hopelessly and endlessly in love with someone who did not feel the same about me. It’s happened more than once and I still haven’t quite learned my lesson.

I would not be so overly affectionate with people I care about or that I have interest in for that matter. Because sometimes touch makes people uncomfortable, which sucks for me because one of my love languages is touch.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I wouldn’t internalize the fact that I’m seen as an object…I wouldn’t have this terrified mentality that a lot of men just want to be my friend to sleep with me. Nor would I be clutching my keys at night when I walk to my car alone no matter how far away it is. Because apparently society is still working on getting it into their heads that rape culture is a thing. They are working on it…not fast enough though.

I wouldn’t be feeling ashamed about my body and how it isn’t ideal to media standards. I wouldn’t have attempted to starve myself in order to get thinner so I could be appealing according to society’s standards. But this body is mine. And I am learning to love it more and more each day.  

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I would have been making more of an impact in people’s lives as opposed to hiding myself because I thought I was a good for nothing talentless person. Thanks high school…

I would have been learning the subtle signs of body language so I could read people better and hopefully help them in their life journey.

 

If I knew then what I know now.

I would realize that it’s not my fault.

I would have walked out of that drama class in high school and done more community theatre.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I wouldn’t feel so utterly terrified when people poke at the chained up doors in my dark little mind that house so much pain for me. I wouldn’t feel so insecure when they can read me like a book just by observing my body language because that is so uncomfortable to be read and then have it pointed out to you.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I wouldn’t have helped certain people to begin with or wasted my time being their friend. They took so much from me that I have a hard time trusting people.

I would have a better judgement of character.

I wouldn’t beat around the bush when trying to break bad news or when putting someone in their place. Because we really need to just get to the point sometimes.

I would be calling out people in their bullshit more often. And sit back watching them implode while I explain why I’m calling them out. I really should get power points for that.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I would have gotten help for my anxiety and depression years ago.

 

If I knew then what I know now…

I wouldn’t be damaged goods, bruised, broken, trying to put myself back together from pains of the past that I can’t let go. I wouldn’t be trying to prove to some of my high school teachers that I have talent and that I am good enough and that I am not, I am not, I am NOT a machine and that the bitch you put in a specific part shouldn’t have gotten that role because she flaunted it in my face and everyone else’s to prove that she was better than everyone! And she did it by making the rest of us feel like we weren’t worthy of her glorious bullshit! And to be frank she probably got that role because she blew you in the high school parking lot or let you fuck her over the desk because she had those big ass titties and skinny figure that society loves to shove down women’s throats and god forbid you cast anyone based on fucking talent in that wretched disaster you called a spring show in my senior year of high school!

 

If I knew then what I know now…

I wouldn’t have hit rut in my road and had to work my way to get out if it.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I wouldn’t be human…not completely anyway.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I would be the mighty storm coming to blow people away.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I wouldn’t have met this community.

Or my best friend. Lord knows I need her in my life because she’s such a light in this world and in my life.

I wouldn’t love fantasy and fiction as much as I do. Or art and theatre for that matter.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I wouldn’t be telling this story.

I wouldn’t be healing from past wounds.

I wouldn’t be the person in front of you, standing as I am, in all of my raw, vulnerable, and aching glory.

And I will not apologize for it anymore.

 

~ The Brooding Dragon

Bullshit and Pressure Gauges

Bullshit.

No not literal shit that comes from a bull.

I mean metaphorical.

Sure I could talk about how this election was bullshit, and how our country is fucked up because of our own bullshit but that would just be me writing a political paper heavily supported by the liberals with only a hint of conservative. Let’s face it Liberals have more control over media than conservatives do. That is another rant for another day.

I’m discussing personal bullshit, with toxic individuals and idiot people who clearly do not know how to function in society unless they are given praise, attention, and have an ego the size of the fucking Milky Way.

I’ve already ranted and bitched about this to a few close friends of mine and they are seriously lucky they are not me and they empathize. See my bullshit with a few individuals I will openly admit I brought upon myself and I have told them in either a few words or none at all that they are being, oh how shall I put this bluntly, absolute fucking morons who need a goddamn reality check.

Now a couple of the individuals who have incurred my wrath (as my dear friend put it) are not so high on the list. They are still on the roast list but their transgressions are mostly due in part to their over inflated ego and over-sized libido to get them things that they want. Again, another rant for another day.

No I’m talking about an individual who has single-handedly used up all the stores of loyalty, caring, and patience I have had with her (and for the privacy of these individuals no names will be mentioned. Because they already know who they are.) I have become much more jaded, salty, and incredibly shady. I mean who doesn’t want to throw shade from time to time. And I have enough salt in me to keep the demons from possessing me.

So this ‘friend’ I had… I wish I had never met her because then my life would be so much easier and filled with so much less drama. At fist, she seemed like this nice, bubbly, giving sort of person. Which she was for awhile. As time went on she did express to me her struggle with depression, anxiety, and her familial issues (which I theorize have contributed to those.) And to be fair she has helped me out a few times as well so she isn’t a terrible person. Just a fucking problem child that needs to pull her head out of her ass and grow the fuck up.

But inevitably…

They fucking morphed into her bitching and moaning about how she didn’t have a boy to kiss and cuddle and fuck. Like what the hell? A boy is going to make everything better? Bitch no. That is not going to solve your problem. It is going to cause more. This is a fact she doesn’t realize nor is it something she wants to understand let alone acknowledge. Also she is like in her super early twenties and doesn’t realize that she still has time. I’m almost in my thirties and I’m still single. I have ridiculously high expectations (Another post for another time).

This was just the beginning of the downward spiral of my patience. Now let me side track for a moment to explain how much patience I have.

It depends upon the situation.

So lets pretend that patience is a pressure gauge. Visualize it, think about it. Got it in your mind? Okay. Good. We will be referencing this later.

I used to work retail, and in customer service so that gauge fluctuated depending on the idiocy of the situation I had to deal with. Generally, I’m incredibly patient with individuals in a professional setting and in a personal setting, depending on who has incurred my wrath or not. (I really like that phrase and I am keeping it). Like a frustrated and stupid customer can make that gauge start to increase slowly, and the more flustered they get the higher it gets and yet there is no explosion, despite the fact that one probably should happen to give them a reality check. But there is none. There is a safety mechanism that stops the explosion. It’s called screaming in the break room or bathroom.

Now with a personal friend it can be different. The mechanism may not kick in and an explosion happens. Or someone loosens a valve and that pressure is released slowly and eventually the gauge is back to zero. Like when you have to explain to a friend ‘Hey I’m angry with you and this is why but I am not going to paint it out like some Bitter Bill and take low blows that strike below the belt’. There are some interactions that are like that, and, double side note, if you communicate correctly and politely in an educated, intelligent manner (unlike some people who are constantly in the spotlight. I’m looking at you politicians and celebrities) generally the pressure gauge won’t explode and things will either dissipate slowly or work out in their own time.

Now…back to this bitch who clearly needs a lot of help.

I’m not talking ‘like a friend approaching her because of an issue’ help. I’m talking like full on ‘intervention go see a fucking therapist because were sick of your shit and were not paid to help you’ help.

Let me explain.

There were often times she would come to me with an issue or what not , explain in a garbled way how ‘woe is me, my life sucks, I don’t have a boy to make it better, my mom is a terrible bitch’ etc. (Side note: Her mom is actually not a bad person, I can only handle her in doses. But her aura is still a bit intense). Anyway.

She would express an issue to me. I asked how it came up, what happened, why she’d feel that way, typical questions a therapist usually asks, at least in my experience when I started therapy. And I would get no where. Sure I would find out what happened and how she felt, but she’d never tell me why. She tended to dodge the question, which is a pain because we cannot get anywhere if a question is dodged. (I’m guilty of this too. I get uncomfortable and I literally change the subject or try to run. Defense mechanism in action). She relied so so heavily on that defense mechanism.
And after what seemed like hours pulling teeth, I would offer a plethora of suggestions. Many of which she shot down like birds, in the game Duck Hunt. Like I kid you not with how many suggestions she shot down she would have gotten a perfect score in Duck Hunt and not had that stupid dog laugh at her when the duck got away. Bastard.
She wouldn’t take anything. Nothing I said, nothing I offered because it wasn’t what she wanted to hear. It was disapproval. My disapproval of her behavior. And she hardly ever owned up to her own bullshit she accumulated. If she did, I never knew about it.

Unfortunately, I ran out of suggestions, I ran out of room where my pressure could go.

I ran out of patience.

And I snapped at her. Exploded like an over inflated balloon.

I told her what she needed to hear in the harshest way possible and honestly I do not regret it one bit. Any normal person would regret it. But I don’t because I couldn’t think of any other way to get my point across. I did not care if that explosion had collateral damage. I was just so goddamn tired and frustrated with her beating a dead horse and not doing anything about it! She couldn’t bury the fucking horse because god forbid her brain wouldn’t let her! At least that is what her excuse was. Because she depended so heavily on people sympathizing for her because of her mental illnesses. Those became a crutch for her, as does many people, but its not fucking okay to be an asshole to someone or take advantage of them because you suffer from severe anxiety or depression. You have to own up to it. recognize it, but don’t use it as an excuse to gain sympathy or get out of something you hate. (I am guilty of both. I will admit but I am working to make that not happen anymore in my life.)

Because my pressure gauge exploded with her, I have had to repair it. However…I have learned to not be so coddling. Being clear, blunt, and concise is a much better way for me to get straight to the problem, or address an issue. I still have trouble with this as well but I am working at it.

We did still talk, but not nearly as much. Because I was done. I couldn’t handle her fucking problems anymore when she wasn’t doing anything, but run away from them (like she typically does). My pressure gauge was broken and I was on my way to repairing it.

I called her out on her bullshit and proceeded to let some of our mutual friends know what had happened. this was complete with screenshots of our conversations.

I didn’t tell this story to make you think ill of this person. Although considering what I’ve expressed you might. It’s disappointing she pulled this bullshit because she has the power and potential to do so much more and be so much more. And yes. She’s young, and stupid and she probably won’t grow out of that until god knows when.

In truth. I don’t want to bring her down. I want her to own up to her shit and stop running because once she does that, she will start growing into a better person. I want her to pull her head out of wherever she has stuffed it, and get the help she needs to deal with her problems, which are so deeply internalized, she doesn’t even realize it.

I mentioned before that I wish she and I had never met. That was a blatant lie. Because the thing is if I hadn’t met her she wouldn’t have taught me that I can only handle so much bullshit. she wouldn’t have taught me that I need to be a better judge of character. She wouldn’t have taught me that no matter how hard I try I cannot help everyone who needs it.

And in order for her to shine and be the best she can be…

She needs to figure out how to deal with all the baggage she’s carrying.

Because no one, absolutely no one can do it for her.

Except for herself. 

 

~ The Brooding Dragon

 

Drawing out the Dragons

Yeah yeah I used the title for a book written by James A. Owen. It’s a part of his meditation series that I’ve been reading and frankly, its been incredibly inspiring. Literally its all about to do with the choices you make to get to where you want to go. And this year I’m going to be reflecting on choices and making my own to get me further along in my journey.

So I started this blog because I write. Prose, poetry, scripts. And I like having my raw unfinished files to myself but sometimes if I find them powerful enough or even polished enough I want to post here. I also rant a lot. ALOT. My friends know this and god bless them for putting up with me.

But yeah. I’m going to give this a shot because I constantly write. CONSTANTLY. Whether its good writing or not I still write, and I’m just kind of sick of keeping some of my brilliant goodies to myself. (Well at least I think they are brilliant I haven’t gotten a nice general consensus yet).

For instance. today I wrote a piece entitled, If I Knew Then What I Know Now and funnily enough it was sparked from an assignment for a Psychology course I’m taking. Literally that is the title of the writing assignment. Or at least one of the prompts for it.

I am going to draw out my dragons, figuratively. Because they are brooding, and need to not be kept in such confined quarters. (Sorry my darlings). And who knows  I may decide to actually draw them. My drawing skills are not the greatest, but hey if I ever need to draw out a costume design I can do it.

This year, after getting through the psychotic craziness that was tech week at the theater, I plan on writing so much more. I might actually write a script or even get my novel done.

Until next time. TTFN. Ta Ta For Now.

~ The Brooding Dragon