If I Knew Then What I Know Now

If I knew then what I know now…

I wouldn’t have snitched on a boy in my class in the second grade.

I wouldn’t have gotten so jealous over friends so easily.

I wouldn’t have changed schools just before junior high.

I would have stood up for myself when some girl thought I was a poser in junior high government class.

I would have put more effort into the ceramic pots I made in Ceramics class. And not chewed gum in that class because lets face it that teacher had a gum detector and she just KNEW if you had gum in your mouth no matter how hard you tried to hide it.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I would have applied myself more in my studies and not have had to jump through hoops. Because I found drawing and writing far more fascinating than the lecture on western european culture that’s been hammered into our brains since elementary school, and some bitchy old board was giving it. She even asked what I was writing and I lied and said extensive notes on the overhead. And she didn’t believe me. Almost made me read aloud the smut I was writing. I was thirteen.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I would have begged for my parents to transfer me to a school that honed my talents instead of hindered them. The high school theatre teacher didn’t have a fucking clue what he was doing and I’m pretty sure the skinny bitches and douchebags who had no talent blew him in order to get the leads in Macbeth.

I wouldn’t be holding a grudge about the unfairness that happened to so many talented students, including myself in the performing department at my high school.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I would have still gone to community college first.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I wouldn’t have let my first sexual experience be in another girls dorm room.

I wouldn’t have been friends with her in the first place. And if I knew better I wouldn’t have dated that guy. We know the one, the seemingly nice guy who just wants to get into a hot girl’s pants. He did…I was eighteen.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I wouldn’t have tried cutting myself on purpose with scissors, or even cutting myself at all because I wanted to feel something other than emotional pain. I wouldn’t have spent so many nights crying in my bedroom because I felt empty for not having a boyfriend at the age of sixteen. I’m twenty seven now. I still don’t have a boyfriend. I don’t need one. Unfortunately I get solicited a lot for random reasons and it’s rarely from a woman.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I would have taken the chance to date the friend who said they liked me when I was in high school. I miss her…she’s not dead, we just don’t talk much or even write together anymore. I was just kind of shocked when I found out she liked me and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I shut down. I wasn’t exactly sure how to have a same sex relationship or even understand one.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I would have joined the Renaissance Faire years ago and I would have gotten involved with Brelby Theatre sooner. Let’s face it, I’ve found family in both.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I wouldn’t have had so many failed relationships or attempts at relationships. Considering most of them were they wanted to get into my pants and I let them and I did the same thing a few times.

I wouldn’t have chased my then boyfriend to Florida to work at Disney. I would have gone to work for Disney on my own terms and it would have been in California. Not Florida.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I wouldn’t have internalized the fact that I was sexually harassed in a nightclub because of what I was wearing. And I wouldn’t have allowed my best friend at the time to shame me about it. He turned out to have a thing for me and we had a falling out. And that internalization fucked me up in so many ways.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I wouldn’t have tried to sleep with a coworker’s roommate. But I did. And I enjoyed every minute of it. Because the sex was pretty amazing. I didn’t enjoy the fact that she was a possessive bitch and decided to cause a shit show at work getting whomever she could to be on her side to come against me. Mind you she was older than me and married to someone else when this happened. So there is that, which is kind of fucked up really. It kind of wrecked me in ways that I didn’t know or understand at the time.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I wouldn’t have run from something that could have been amazing.

I wouldn’t have fallen so hopelessly and endlessly in love with someone who did not feel the same about me. It’s happened more than once and I still haven’t quite learned my lesson.

I would not be so overly affectionate with people I care about or that I have interest in for that matter. Because sometimes touch makes people uncomfortable, which sucks for me because one of my love languages is touch.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I wouldn’t internalize the fact that I’m seen as an object…I wouldn’t have this terrified mentality that a lot of men just want to be my friend to sleep with me. Nor would I be clutching my keys at night when I walk to my car alone no matter how far away it is. Because apparently society is still working on getting it into their heads that rape culture is a thing. They are working on it…not fast enough though.

I wouldn’t be feeling ashamed about my body and how it isn’t ideal to media standards. I wouldn’t have attempted to starve myself in order to get thinner so I could be appealing according to society’s standards. But this body is mine. And I am learning to love it more and more each day.  

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I would have been making more of an impact in people’s lives as opposed to hiding myself because I thought I was a good for nothing talentless person. Thanks high school…

I would have been learning the subtle signs of body language so I could read people better and hopefully help them in their life journey.

 

If I knew then what I know now.

I would realize that it’s not my fault.

I would have walked out of that drama class in high school and done more community theatre.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I wouldn’t feel so utterly terrified when people poke at the chained up doors in my dark little mind that house so much pain for me. I wouldn’t feel so insecure when they can read me like a book just by observing my body language because that is so uncomfortable to be read and then have it pointed out to you.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I wouldn’t have helped certain people to begin with or wasted my time being their friend. They took so much from me that I have a hard time trusting people.

I would have a better judgement of character.

I wouldn’t beat around the bush when trying to break bad news or when putting someone in their place. Because we really need to just get to the point sometimes.

I would be calling out people in their bullshit more often. And sit back watching them implode while I explain why I’m calling them out. I really should get power points for that.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I would have gotten help for my anxiety and depression years ago.

 

If I knew then what I know now…

I wouldn’t be damaged goods, bruised, broken, trying to put myself back together from pains of the past that I can’t let go. I wouldn’t be trying to prove to some of my high school teachers that I have talent and that I am good enough and that I am not, I am not, I am NOT a machine and that the bitch you put in a specific part shouldn’t have gotten that role because she flaunted it in my face and everyone else’s to prove that she was better than everyone! And she did it by making the rest of us feel like we weren’t worthy of her glorious bullshit! And to be frank she probably got that role because she blew you in the high school parking lot or let you fuck her over the desk because she had those big ass titties and skinny figure that society loves to shove down women’s throats and god forbid you cast anyone based on fucking talent in that wretched disaster you called a spring show in my senior year of high school!

 

If I knew then what I know now…

I wouldn’t have hit rut in my road and had to work my way to get out if it.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I wouldn’t be human…not completely anyway.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I would be the mighty storm coming to blow people away.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I wouldn’t have met this community.

Or my best friend. Lord knows I need her in my life because she’s such a light in this world and in my life.

I wouldn’t love fantasy and fiction as much as I do. Or art and theatre for that matter.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I wouldn’t be telling this story.

I wouldn’t be healing from past wounds.

I wouldn’t be the person in front of you, standing as I am, in all of my raw, vulnerable, and aching glory.

And I will not apologize for it anymore.

 

~ The Brooding Dragon

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