So I am exhausted. Blanket statement, could mean a number of things.
There is college student exhausted, there is parent exhausted, there is exhausted from work, the list goes on and on.
But there is also exhausted from having your mind turn against you like the son of a bitch that it is. I’m talking of course of anxiety.
The most amusing way I can describe anxiety is it is that friend that you all know by face and that kind of lingers around like a fucking creep just waiting to crash a party or group gathering, and when the chance is given, BAM, he fucking comes out of nowhere and makes everyone feel weird or uncomfortable and just doesn’t get the hint to fucking leave until someone forces him to or he says “thanks guys I’ll see you all later bye!” And the cycle begins again.
Anxiety is that annoying friend you hate that invites themselves to your parties and workdays and classes. Which just makes your life so much harder and all around weirder and by the end of the day your so fucking tired of spending all this energy on them and they just leave without compensating you.
I think I just described it as a really shitty sitcom.
But the reality is, anxiety is more of a monster. You know the types that you might have been afraid of as a child, the ones that lurk in the shadows at night or under your bed, even after your parents or guardians say there are no monsters under the bed. As a kid, sometimes that was enough to comfort us. But when you’re a teenager or an adult, the monsters are much more real, and incredibly exhausting to deal with. I run out of spoons because of this sometimes.
They don’t go away easily. They linger, watching and waiting to pounce when you least expect it, or when a fucking tragedy has befallen your family. They attack when you are weakest, clutching, gnawing, squeezing you until you can’t breath or think logically to even move. You can’t do anything. Control is gone and in their hands now and all you can do is act as their puppet.
Anxiety is the real monster under the bed, the one that lingers in the closet, the shadows, the creeks and corners of our minds.
And by the gods it is just an exhausting monster to fight.
At least in my case.
I’ve been dealing with it all day today, in highs and lows. It was totally frantic one moment, sucking me dry of all my energy and patience, and the next it slunk back into its dark little corner all the while leeching my energy rendering me exhausted and forcing me to draw spoons from another day.
Truth be told its ridiculous.
Ridiculous how I let this monster control me and how I feel with one little trigger. Especially when I have logic saying otherwise and that I am being irrational. But then again this monster isn’t at all rational. Not to me who only suffers a mild case of it with huge attacks from time to time. And certainly not to those who suffer more moderate to severe cases. Or even mild cases like me.
But regardless, no matter how exhausting it may be, or draining or even petrifying…
I will rise.
I may be fucking exhausted after having a day filled with three attacks and low key rumblings.
I will fucking rise, and get my shit done.
But please excuse me while I look like a permanently exhausted pigeon doing it.
I need more spoons.
~The Brooding Dragon