And I’m still hurting…
~ The Last Five Years
TLDR: Long story short I’m feeling lonely on Valentine’s Day because I am single and went into a tangent about how the last pursued relationship I tried to have broke me.
But if you want to read the incredibly long post…
It’s Valentine’s Day again. So I’ve been spending most of the day reading, studying, appreciating the love from my circle of friends and family I have around me. I mean one of my favorite things was seeing my best friend and her boyfriend post a picture of the two of them having a milkshake. Like I squealed in delight because dammit they are so fucking cute together.
But then…there was a dull pang of hurt…an ache if you will, of seeing that photo. Two individuals who somehow by chance found each other and decided “Hey I like you. You are my human now” and then proceed to date and form a strong intimate relationship. Two individuals who by chance found each other and fell in love. They put in the effort for that connection and made it work. This my friends is a miracle. And I am all about miracles.
But the ache…the ache hasn’t faded. Just been pushed down so far that I forget its there until a day like Valentine’s Day comes along and reminds me of it. Or when I see a couple get engaged or married. Yes I’ve also spent the day on face book squealing over the tributes of love to significant others and seeing the disgustingly adorable pictures that came from it because I would rather bring them up than drag them down with my Debbie Downer approach to Valentine’s Day. They found their humans. Somehow against all odds they found their humans. which is amazing and wonderful!
Yet I still haven’t found mine…
And sometimes all I can do when I see happy couples walk hand in hand, or even kiss in public, just any display of affection, is fake a smile and ignore the aching pain and urge to cry that is swelling up inside of me. Push away that creature of envy that threatens to bring the slightest bit of conflict to my day…forget that I’m a single lonely almost thirty year old woman who has never had a deep serious relationship in her life and is still broken from trying to invest in someone who clearly was not worth her time.
I crave what the couple has, I crave it like an addict craves a cigarette or even a hit of a drug that will get them high, or that rush of adrenaline that makes their heart palpitate rapidly. My whole being wants what that couple has, so badly to the point where I tried too hard and fell down a dark and nasty rabbit hole…
And that rabbit hole has fucked everything over so hard to the point where I don’t even know if I can fix it.
I still ache. I still hurt. I am still broken and bruised from that rabbit hole nightmare…
To put it simply…I fell in love with someone who didn’t love me back…
I wasn’t what he was looking for.
It still hurts…but I chased him. I chased and pursued him so hard to the point where I crashed and burned. I had panic and anxiety attacks and I hurt, I ached every day. All I wanted in that time…was to be with this individual, to love him, to call him mine… and that burned in front of my eyes.
Because he never felt the same way.
It got to the point where it grew into an obsession and I acted like an incredibly obsessed fangirl who didn’t know how to hold it in or control it.
I lost myself in that rabbit hole. The one that broke me, pushed me to near insanity, and ripped out my heart, stomped on it and then shoved it back into my chest. After all that I was expected to survive? How?
How does one survive when their heart has literally been abused and toyed with for months and months?! How is this fair and how is it humane?!
I cannot tell you how many times I wanted to get the stupid fucker out of my brain and out of my thoughts, out of my heart but no matter what I did or how hard I tried I just couldn’t…
I couldn’t because I was naively hopeful.
I couldn’t because I firmly believed that the two of us could have something.
I couldn’t because gosh fucking dammit I was thoroughly convinced that he was my fucking soulmate.
And I realized…slowly…painfully…that it wasn’t going to happen.
Because he was hung up and convinced of the same thing…with another girl.
This was something that took me a long time to realize and process..and eventually accept. And when I did I crumbled.
I crumbled and fell so hard to the ground that I’m pretty sure I broke everything in me. It wasn’t just a breaking of my heart, it was a breaking of my friendship, my relationship, my trust in him.
It all shattered there and I disengaged from him. From a lot of things actually. I had to go into myself to recover from being dropped and shattered like a crystal figurine. And god bless them if it weren’t for some of my best friends I wouldn’t have been collected and put back together. I owe them so so much for dealing with me in my obsession and through my darkest days. Without them, I wouldn’t be standing on my feet and trying to heal from this blow I had taken.
But to this day I still ache. I still think about what could have been.
And when I think about it. When I think about what went wrong, I feel so…helpless. Because so much of it was out of my control.
The funny thing about being strung along on a wild goose chase is you don’t realize until the end that you are being toyed with and manipulated. And sometimes it takes your best friend or a group of them to slap you across the face and show you just how stupid you’ve been and make you shatter that image of the person you’ve been chasing.
He strung me along. It was tormenting really. The fucking bastard teased me, lured me, latched me onto his hook only to catch me and release me. This went on for months. MONTHS. And he never fucking said he wasn’t interested to my face. He gave me the bullshit excuse of “maybe not now but later because of x amount of reasons”. I should have called it quits then but stupid me wasn’t going to give up because I was stubborn, obsessed, and really not in a good place mentally or emotionally.
I was desperate. Looking back on all of this I was fucking desperate and dear god that was just…I am embarrassed to even post that.
There is still tension between us, more form me than him because I’m still hurting. Also I think he’s a fucking coward and an idiot for not knowing how to say “Hey this isn’t going to work”. Obviously confrontation is NOT his strong suit.
I gave up about seven months ago…and I’m still hurting.
Wow that was a really long tangent I took…
I think I needed that out of my system because I’m listening to sappy ass music and crying.
That ache is feeling a little relieved. But I am still hurting.
~ The Brooding Dragon