Crisis

So.

I’ve taken probably a longer hiatus than I have wanted but lately my life has been less than exciting.

Mostly I’ve been the stay at home babysitter for my niece and not taking care of myself while working on shows and comicon.

But this past month has been…

Well lets just say I’ve been in an existential crisis where my depression and anxiety soared out of the water and to levels that I am not proud of. It got bad. So so bad to the point where I was not sure of what to do with myself.

I had multiple breakdowns. Multiple panic attacks, multiple anxiety spikes and attacks that not many people could help me with. But to those who did I am so so grateful and thankful for them.

But now the anxiety and depression has decided to keep my brain focused upon the subject of time, how it is constantly in motion, how we can only go forward and never go back, and how this just flow and pass.

I’ve been overthinking the flow and passing of time, falling down the rabbit hole of insanity, trying to understand and trying to fathom why we constantly are in motion whether it be still, slow, or even a fast paced motion. Really it’s exhausting trying to not think about it.

My question for everything big or small is why.

Why?

Why are we constantly in motion? Why are we constantly moving? Why are we only given a limited time on this planet? Why are we here?

What does it all mean?

And I have yet to find the answers. But then again I am not working. I don’t have a job to go to every day.

I’ve been overthinking even the smallest things like movement, motion, words, how everything can change in an instant. I’m questioning my existence, my meaning in life, my purpose. Right now this is all I can think of.

It is because I am idle, not even actively doing anything, not moving towards a goal, or even doing anything worth going after or anything meaningful.

I’ve lost my passion for life. I’ve lost my love for it. I am caught and lost in this depressive circular loop that I cannot seem to escape. It’s like a mobius loop that I’m unable to escape and that I”m trying so hard to get out of.

I know this will pass. I know that I will forget about all of this and move on and live my life the way I want to.

Because life is about the human experience. It’s about cherishing moments, remembering stories, sharing them with friends, hoping for a brighter future, paving a brighter future for generations to come, enjoying life.

And I’m not enjoying mine right now.

I’m working on finding a solution and trying to find help so I can process and stop this insane thinking. But so far everything looks bleak.

~ The Brooding Dragon

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