Crumpled

So there was a mental exercise that a wonderful friend of mine gave me the other night because I had been struggling hardcore that day with my brain going berserk. Not gonna lie Tuesday was absolutely exhausting. I’ll get to that in a minute. But she told me of an exercise of taking the things I had been thinking about and metaphorically putting them on a piece of paper, crumpling it up, throwing it on the floor, and walking away. Though, in my version I throw it in the recycle and walk away. Gotta save the earth man.

But it was an interesting exercise that I hadn’t actually thought of or used and I am attempting to apply it to my life.

I mean I plan on doing it physically as well. I’ve got plenty of paper I can do it with.

But now to Tuesday. Though today I feel like I have a little more anxiety because I’m starting an afterschool class at a new school which I am excited and incredibly nervous for. But it’s low on the totem pole of what is driving my brain crazy.

Tuesday.

I had probably the most massive and worst meltdown I can ever imagine and it was because my brain went into overdrive with my thoughts. What was worse was I was alone in the house with my niece and her crying didn’t make things better. I feel like I scared her and that alone horrified me…

But it was like a monster was inside of me trying to take over everything I was doing and eventually I just broke. I crumpled into a ball screaming and sobbing on the cold tile floor needing something, anything to just relieve me. Nothing. I rubbed ice on my forearms because my brain was thinking of self harm. I wanted in that moment so badly to just die but at the same time I didn’t. I just wanted relief from the pain. I just wanted anything to take away the crazy thoughts in my head. I still want them gone.

Yesterday I was numb. Annoyed. But numb.

Today I’m awake with a bit of anxiety waiting for my meds to kick in. And I’m having the same stupid nonsensical thoughts again because my brain clearly has made a habit of it which is bad.

We as human beings are constantly in motion. There is no pressing rewind on our lives. Our memories and stories we’ve experienced will be in our hearts and thoughts until the day we die. Sure it all seems meaningless in the big long run of things but that is not something to dwell upon or even try to understand. Believe me I’ve been doing it for the past week and a half.

I also have to stop thinking of each day as another day that has slipped into the past. I have over analyzed and over thought this concept as well which is part of why my brain has gone totally buggy. Because when you realize that we are constantly moving forward with no way – literally – to go back, you start to go a little more insane than you usually would. We cannot measure how life is by days and we cannot try to understand the intricacies and some of the mysteries of life that we are unable to solve because let’s face it. The human brain cannot handle thinking about those because what it leads to is existential depression that spirals into insanity. I’ve been there. I’m still there. I’m trying my damndest not to question anything so I can get out.

But when you are idle and aren’t working all that much and are stuck at home a lot your brain tends to start wandering to a deep dark place and it will get stuck.

I miss the days where I didn’t have to worry about waking up with the existential thoughts. I long for the days and times where I could go about my day and not have a panic attack or freak out about anything. I crave the days where if I had anxiety over something it was of something new, not something horrifying and potentially devastating.

I want to have those days where I can just go about my day with an empty mind if need be or an agenda if I have it because I hate being trapped here. I hate it so much because I have forgotten how to be happy…

~ The Brooding Dragon

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Dear Existential Depression

Dear Existential Depression,

I cannot live like this any more. I realize you are there but I simply cannot live with you overtaking my brain every single day making it absolutely miserable to exist. I cannot live. I cannot be. I cannot enjoy myself in my quiet moments like I used to because you simply will not leave me alone.

I cannot tell you how exhausted I am from trying to shut you out or even telling you or even praying for you to go away. It is taking everything from me so I have hardly any energy to function.

I am so exhausted from all of this fighting I am doing inside of my mind that I want it to be over. I just want the thoughts to stop and I want to stop being lost in a hopeless little void of darkness that is consuming everything within me.

Please. Please. I beg of you. Stop. Just. Stop.

~ The Brooding Dragon

Always Keep Fighting

So…lately I have been completely out of sorts with my mental state and writing about it generally helps. I had severe to major anxiety for a few weeks and for the past week or so I’ve been having the spiraling thoughts of why are we constantly in motion or why we can’t go back or fast forward or what not. And I’ve come to a conclusion. Granted this was after I ended up at a small hospital by my house for a few hours to try and find something to help.

More on that later.

But today while I’m still experiencing some anxiety and crazy spiraling thoughts, it hasn’t been too bad. I felt more like myself. Like I could conquer the world at least for a few hours.

I’m realizing…that there is literally no solution to the questions because it is far too big for me to understand or for my brain to even comprehend. So why am I questioning it? Why not just enjoy the day and work on getting out of my idle spot in life?

Truth is Anxiety and Depression go hand in hand and tend to be this terrifying monster that eats away at you when you feel like your life isn’t going anywhere for you. It feeds upon your fear and sadness until there is nothing left to give and each day it gets harder and harder to feel happy and find the

Basically it’s a fucking Dementor. And with this dementor apparently Expecto Patronum wasn’t enough to make it go away which has severely harmed me in the mental department.

Yesterday this lead me to a small hospital by my house that my parents took me to because really they were clueless and it scared them with how I was acting. I was out of my mind and terrified myself because my brain was racing and my thoughts couldn’t stop going around in circles. It was to the point where I needed the pros.

And I’m glad the ordeal last night only took like three hours. It could have been longer.

But talking to a counselor helped. Tremendously. She gave me a different perspective of why maybe my brain was going crazy. I was so busy for like four months and it didn’t stop then all of a sudden when I was done with my degree things just slowed down…I mean like they went super slow. All I was doing was rehearsals for shows in Glendale and applied to a whole bunch of teaching jobs.

No bites.

Nothing for the teaching jobs.

I was babysitting my niece. Going to rehearsal. And that was about the pinnacle of my existence. Which made my brain so so much more idle.

Idleness builds up and then it makes your brain go crazy.

And I started questioning the point of every single thing I did and every single second and fuck I even questioned time and motion itself. I obsessively thought about it and overcomplicated it when there was no need to.

I still have it on and off which is freaking me out still but I am working hard to get it all to stop. Anti anxiety meds are helping or at least the ones I was given are supposed to help.

I’m low key still trying to figure it out. The impossible concepts but I at least have people who will be helping me along the way so I can live the way I want to. Happy, healthy, and full of passion for everything I do.

I need to not measure everything by the millisecond, or hell even by achievements. I shouldn’t try to figure out the why’s or even the hows or the impossible questions or thoughts in life.

I need to go out and do. Involve myself. Get out of my house and just DO.

Life is not about finding the answers to the impossible. Life is about enjoying the things you love, the people you care about, and living. It’s about doing. Not overanalyzing everything.

I’m not giving up on me.

I will always keep fighting.

Always.