So…lately I have been completely out of sorts with my mental state and writing about it generally helps. I had severe to major anxiety for a few weeks and for the past week or so I’ve been having the spiraling thoughts of why are we constantly in motion or why we can’t go back or fast forward or what not. And I’ve come to a conclusion. Granted this was after I ended up at a small hospital by my house for a few hours to try and find something to help.
More on that later.
But today while I’m still experiencing some anxiety and crazy spiraling thoughts, it hasn’t been too bad. I felt more like myself. Like I could conquer the world at least for a few hours.
I’m realizing…that there is literally no solution to the questions because it is far too big for me to understand or for my brain to even comprehend. So why am I questioning it? Why not just enjoy the day and work on getting out of my idle spot in life?
Truth is Anxiety and Depression go hand in hand and tend to be this terrifying monster that eats away at you when you feel like your life isn’t going anywhere for you. It feeds upon your fear and sadness until there is nothing left to give and each day it gets harder and harder to feel happy and find the
Basically it’s a fucking Dementor. And with this dementor apparently Expecto Patronum wasn’t enough to make it go away which has severely harmed me in the mental department.
Yesterday this lead me to a small hospital by my house that my parents took me to because really they were clueless and it scared them with how I was acting. I was out of my mind and terrified myself because my brain was racing and my thoughts couldn’t stop going around in circles. It was to the point where I needed the pros.
And I’m glad the ordeal last night only took like three hours. It could have been longer.
But talking to a counselor helped. Tremendously. She gave me a different perspective of why maybe my brain was going crazy. I was so busy for like four months and it didn’t stop then all of a sudden when I was done with my degree things just slowed down…I mean like they went super slow. All I was doing was rehearsals for shows in Glendale and applied to a whole bunch of teaching jobs.
Nothing for the teaching jobs.
I was babysitting my niece. Going to rehearsal. And that was about the pinnacle of my existence. Which made my brain so so much more idle.
Idleness builds up and then it makes your brain go crazy.
And I started questioning the point of every single thing I did and every single second and fuck I even questioned time and motion itself. I obsessively thought about it and overcomplicated it when there was no need to.
I still have it on and off which is freaking me out still but I am working hard to get it all to stop. Anti anxiety meds are helping or at least the ones I was given are supposed to help.
I’m low key still trying to figure it out. The impossible concepts but I at least have people who will be helping me along the way so I can live the way I want to. Happy, healthy, and full of passion for everything I do.
I need to not measure everything by the millisecond, or hell even by achievements. I shouldn’t try to figure out the why’s or even the hows or the impossible questions or thoughts in life.
I need to go out and do. Involve myself. Get out of my house and just DO.
Life is not about finding the answers to the impossible. Life is about enjoying the things you love, the people you care about, and living. It’s about doing. Not overanalyzing everything.
I’m not giving up on me.
I will always keep fighting.