Returning? Or No?

I will admit. I’m the worst when it comes to updating a blog and I really should start again. But I’m here. I’m Alive. And I’m still struggling with so many of the thoughts that I’ve had. It’s getting to the point where they happen and then they leave but that unsettling feeling still remains.

But I wrote a two act play literally based off of banter a friend of mine and I had backstage. I have made final edits to act one before the first read but I have so so much research and rewriting to do for act two. But the person who eviscerated my draft really enjoyed it overall! So that is a good thing! That is a thing that is happening.

I’m going to therapy. Its helping more tan I thought it would, and I’m trying my damndest to get involved in as many shows as I can. Plus I’m dabbling in voice acting. Getting a demo together is difficult but I think I can do it. Plus I have friends who want to do covers and start podcasts with me. We just have to find the content for it. Which shouldn’t be hard.

But that is a brief update of my life. I’m…getting better it seems but the anxiety and depression and the existential thoughts are still there but I am trying my hardest to get better so I can enjoy my life more.

Thought I will say…finding a second job is becoming increasingly difficult.

I’m going to try to write more and post more here. I’ve got so many ideas for this world I’ve created in my head. So many characters and so many things…I need to write it all out.

Thanks.

~ The Brooding Dragon

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Crumpled

So there was a mental exercise that a wonderful friend of mine gave me the other night because I had been struggling hardcore that day with my brain going berserk. Not gonna lie Tuesday was absolutely exhausting. I’ll get to that in a minute. But she told me of an exercise of taking the things I had been thinking about and metaphorically putting them on a piece of paper, crumpling it up, throwing it on the floor, and walking away. Though, in my version I throw it in the recycle and walk away. Gotta save the earth man.

But it was an interesting exercise that I hadn’t actually thought of or used and I am attempting to apply it to my life.

I mean I plan on doing it physically as well. I’ve got plenty of paper I can do it with.

But now to Tuesday. Though today I feel like I have a little more anxiety because I’m starting an afterschool class at a new school which I am excited and incredibly nervous for. But it’s low on the totem pole of what is driving my brain crazy.

Tuesday.

I had probably the most massive and worst meltdown I can ever imagine and it was because my brain went into overdrive with my thoughts. What was worse was I was alone in the house with my niece and her crying didn’t make things better. I feel like I scared her and that alone horrified me…

But it was like a monster was inside of me trying to take over everything I was doing and eventually I just broke. I crumpled into a ball screaming and sobbing on the cold tile floor needing something, anything to just relieve me. Nothing. I rubbed ice on my forearms because my brain was thinking of self harm. I wanted in that moment so badly to just die but at the same time I didn’t. I just wanted relief from the pain. I just wanted anything to take away the crazy thoughts in my head. I still want them gone.

Yesterday I was numb. Annoyed. But numb.

Today I’m awake with a bit of anxiety waiting for my meds to kick in. And I’m having the same stupid nonsensical thoughts again because my brain clearly has made a habit of it which is bad.

We as human beings are constantly in motion. There is no pressing rewind on our lives. Our memories and stories we’ve experienced will be in our hearts and thoughts until the day we die. Sure it all seems meaningless in the big long run of things but that is not something to dwell upon or even try to understand. Believe me I’ve been doing it for the past week and a half.

I also have to stop thinking of each day as another day that has slipped into the past. I have over analyzed and over thought this concept as well which is part of why my brain has gone totally buggy. Because when you realize that we are constantly moving forward with no way – literally – to go back, you start to go a little more insane than you usually would. We cannot measure how life is by days and we cannot try to understand the intricacies and some of the mysteries of life that we are unable to solve because let’s face it. The human brain cannot handle thinking about those because what it leads to is existential depression that spirals into insanity. I’ve been there. I’m still there. I’m trying my damndest not to question anything so I can get out.

But when you are idle and aren’t working all that much and are stuck at home a lot your brain tends to start wandering to a deep dark place and it will get stuck.

I miss the days where I didn’t have to worry about waking up with the existential thoughts. I long for the days and times where I could go about my day and not have a panic attack or freak out about anything. I crave the days where if I had anxiety over something it was of something new, not something horrifying and potentially devastating.

I want to have those days where I can just go about my day with an empty mind if need be or an agenda if I have it because I hate being trapped here. I hate it so much because I have forgotten how to be happy…

~ The Brooding Dragon

Dear Existential Depression

Dear Existential Depression,

I cannot live like this any more. I realize you are there but I simply cannot live with you overtaking my brain every single day making it absolutely miserable to exist. I cannot live. I cannot be. I cannot enjoy myself in my quiet moments like I used to because you simply will not leave me alone.

I cannot tell you how exhausted I am from trying to shut you out or even telling you or even praying for you to go away. It is taking everything from me so I have hardly any energy to function.

I am so exhausted from all of this fighting I am doing inside of my mind that I want it to be over. I just want the thoughts to stop and I want to stop being lost in a hopeless little void of darkness that is consuming everything within me.

Please. Please. I beg of you. Stop. Just. Stop.

~ The Brooding Dragon

Always Keep Fighting

So…lately I have been completely out of sorts with my mental state and writing about it generally helps. I had severe to major anxiety for a few weeks and for the past week or so I’ve been having the spiraling thoughts of why are we constantly in motion or why we can’t go back or fast forward or what not. And I’ve come to a conclusion. Granted this was after I ended up at a small hospital by my house for a few hours to try and find something to help.

More on that later.

But today while I’m still experiencing some anxiety and crazy spiraling thoughts, it hasn’t been too bad. I felt more like myself. Like I could conquer the world at least for a few hours.

I’m realizing…that there is literally no solution to the questions because it is far too big for me to understand or for my brain to even comprehend. So why am I questioning it? Why not just enjoy the day and work on getting out of my idle spot in life?

Truth is Anxiety and Depression go hand in hand and tend to be this terrifying monster that eats away at you when you feel like your life isn’t going anywhere for you. It feeds upon your fear and sadness until there is nothing left to give and each day it gets harder and harder to feel happy and find the

Basically it’s a fucking Dementor. And with this dementor apparently Expecto Patronum wasn’t enough to make it go away which has severely harmed me in the mental department.

Yesterday this lead me to a small hospital by my house that my parents took me to because really they were clueless and it scared them with how I was acting. I was out of my mind and terrified myself because my brain was racing and my thoughts couldn’t stop going around in circles. It was to the point where I needed the pros.

And I’m glad the ordeal last night only took like three hours. It could have been longer.

But talking to a counselor helped. Tremendously. She gave me a different perspective of why maybe my brain was going crazy. I was so busy for like four months and it didn’t stop then all of a sudden when I was done with my degree things just slowed down…I mean like they went super slow. All I was doing was rehearsals for shows in Glendale and applied to a whole bunch of teaching jobs.

No bites.

Nothing for the teaching jobs.

I was babysitting my niece. Going to rehearsal. And that was about the pinnacle of my existence. Which made my brain so so much more idle.

Idleness builds up and then it makes your brain go crazy.

And I started questioning the point of every single thing I did and every single second and fuck I even questioned time and motion itself. I obsessively thought about it and overcomplicated it when there was no need to.

I still have it on and off which is freaking me out still but I am working hard to get it all to stop. Anti anxiety meds are helping or at least the ones I was given are supposed to help.

I’m low key still trying to figure it out. The impossible concepts but I at least have people who will be helping me along the way so I can live the way I want to. Happy, healthy, and full of passion for everything I do.

I need to not measure everything by the millisecond, or hell even by achievements. I shouldn’t try to figure out the why’s or even the hows or the impossible questions or thoughts in life.

I need to go out and do. Involve myself. Get out of my house and just DO.

Life is not about finding the answers to the impossible. Life is about enjoying the things you love, the people you care about, and living. It’s about doing. Not overanalyzing everything.

I’m not giving up on me.

I will always keep fighting.

Always.

Crisis

So.

I’ve taken probably a longer hiatus than I have wanted but lately my life has been less than exciting.

Mostly I’ve been the stay at home babysitter for my niece and not taking care of myself while working on shows and comicon.

But this past month has been…

Well lets just say I’ve been in an existential crisis where my depression and anxiety soared out of the water and to levels that I am not proud of. It got bad. So so bad to the point where I was not sure of what to do with myself.

I had multiple breakdowns. Multiple panic attacks, multiple anxiety spikes and attacks that not many people could help me with. But to those who did I am so so grateful and thankful for them.

But now the anxiety and depression has decided to keep my brain focused upon the subject of time, how it is constantly in motion, how we can only go forward and never go back, and how this just flow and pass.

I’ve been overthinking the flow and passing of time, falling down the rabbit hole of insanity, trying to understand and trying to fathom why we constantly are in motion whether it be still, slow, or even a fast paced motion. Really it’s exhausting trying to not think about it.

My question for everything big or small is why.

Why?

Why are we constantly in motion? Why are we constantly moving? Why are we only given a limited time on this planet? Why are we here?

What does it all mean?

And I have yet to find the answers. But then again I am not working. I don’t have a job to go to every day.

I’ve been overthinking even the smallest things like movement, motion, words, how everything can change in an instant. I’m questioning my existence, my meaning in life, my purpose. Right now this is all I can think of.

It is because I am idle, not even actively doing anything, not moving towards a goal, or even doing anything worth going after or anything meaningful.

I’ve lost my passion for life. I’ve lost my love for it. I am caught and lost in this depressive circular loop that I cannot seem to escape. It’s like a mobius loop that I’m unable to escape and that I”m trying so hard to get out of.

I know this will pass. I know that I will forget about all of this and move on and live my life the way I want to.

Because life is about the human experience. It’s about cherishing moments, remembering stories, sharing them with friends, hoping for a brighter future, paving a brighter future for generations to come, enjoying life.

And I’m not enjoying mine right now.

I’m working on finding a solution and trying to find help so I can process and stop this insane thinking. But so far everything looks bleak.

~ The Brooding Dragon

I’m really bad at this trying to blog about something a few times a week. Like uber bad at this. It gets even worse when my anxiety rears its ugly head and I start overthinking every little detail of my life for the past twenty eight years. Of course the anxiety gets worse when I’m super stressed about something like I have been for the last week and a half. (They call Tech week Hell week for a reason)

But I swear I overthink every little thing, especially when it comes to certain people or when I’m around certain people and right now it is starting to get a little grating on my nerves and damn near unmanageable.

I’m just ranting at this point.

But maybe it’s because I don’t want to be seen as a failure to myself. Lately I feel like I have let every single person in my life (or at least every single person I’ve come into contact with in the past two weeks) down. This is including the amazing cast i’ve gotten to work with, the kick ass production team I’ve had, the director, my assistant stage manager, my family, friends, even my own characters in my stories. I swear it feels like I’ve done something to let everyone down.

The logical part is I know it’s an over exaggeration. I know for a fact that this is my own brain fucking with me and leading me to believe that I’m just a fucking failure. This is what logic says. Emotion says otherwise.

And of course I don’t talk to anyone about it because I think I’m a burden to everyone and I have this lovely wall that keeps everyone out which is so so detrimental to me because I don’t want anyone to worry but of course it builds and builds and builds to where I can’t handle it and it all comes leaking out everywhere.

In short, the last week and a half was difficult. I’m not handling the aftermath well and I feel like a failure.

Hopefully I’ll try to post content that isn’t about my anxiety or anything like that in the future. but for you readers who are following with me and have stuck with me. Thanks. I really appreciate it.

~The Brooding Dragon

A Rant About Life As I Am Currently

I have been on a long hiatus since college ended because I needed time to mentally and physically recover from everything. And life right now still isn’t sunshine and rainbows yet but at least right now I’m in a better place to actually write.

And I hate that I get so tired and too exhausted to write and most days I’m hardly doing anything save for binge watching cartoons or playing games on my phone when I’m not running a rehearsal. but those at least distract me from the rabbit hole my brain has been going down lately.

It’s not a good rabbit hole either.

Like anyone with anxiety…

My brain literally jumps to the worst possible case scenario and frightful things that shake me to my core and terrify me to the marrow of my bones. Maybe its because I’ve had an overactive imagination, or maybe I’ve seen or read too many stories that have god awful things happen to innocent people but there are just days where I cannot shut it off. They are becoming more frequent and paralyzing as the time goes on.

I become useless. I am rendered useless for a good while. Because all I can think about is oh god oh god what if this or this happens, the paranoia sending my heart thundering through my body and my breath in rapid gasps, like I cannot get enough air. The air becomes chillier, my fear gives me reason to quiver uncontrollably and I call out, reach out to anyone for help to talk me down, to tell me that I’m being stupid, to assure me that the world is not crumbling around me and that we are all going to die within minutes. More often than not I get no response until later.

It is times like those that I have to force my logical and rational side of my brain (of which I affectionately call Spock) to kick in. Because it’s been silent then entire time. That or it’s been trying to say something and the irrational Kirk side doesn’t listen.

When Spock kicks in, I move, I do, I research, I find something, anything to ground myself, to remind myself that it is okay, that I am okay. And it’s helped. It’s not always effective, but it’s certainly better than losing my damn mind over something so small.

There are times where someone will immediately respond and it makes everything easier.

And I am okay.

But because of the anxiety and the panic and the overactivity of my imagination I can shut down and cease to be functional. It also takes away valuable energy that I need to get through my day to do what I need to do. More often than not it renders me without spoons to use for that day, to where I have to draw upon spoon for another day. It is certainly going to bite me in the ass later on. I know it will, but sometimes I do what I have to.

It feels good to actually write again.

I’m going to do better to not let the anxiety and depression get the better of me as it has.

I still have no job. I’m searching and praying and hoping for one.

I hate our current people in power and I am praying that something will happen to change that.

I hate the fact that people have become so divided in the last year and lack empathy for others.

I hate the fact that I have lost interest in so many things and that I cannot get into a new series on netflix or hulu or on the television that I have recorded. Or even the fact that I can’t read a book for more than five minutes…

Right now there is so much I am not okay with in my life and so much I am working on. I’ve already made one goal. I have a bachelor’s degree. But is that enough? Is it enough to get me to where I need to be? Is it enough to get me a career where I can pay off the massive amount of debt I am in because of school?

Is it enough?

I’m going to refrain from going on another rant about being enough. That is for another day. Right now, I’m going to attempt to read a book or write something fictional.

~ The Brooding Dragon

Hades and Persephone

TRIGGER WARNING: I do talk about the subject of Rape and its etymology. I do not want to trigger anyone with my interpretation of the context. For the record Rape, in the context of today is A FUCKING TERRIBLE THING!!! I am not about it and I am trying to fight against the rape culture.

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Lately I’ve been doing some research on the myths and stories surrounding the greek figures Hades and Persephone. Now, mind you this is the springboard for a panel I am working on at a convention coming up in about a month.

And OH MY FUCKING GOD!

SIDEBAR:

The Greek Mythos is literally inspiring me for more world building factors for my novel. Which is a good…and bad thing.

END SIDEBAR

Upon first researching the story I kept seeing the word ‘rape’ come up and I’m going “wait wait wait, Hades, come on buddy, that’s not fucking cool, you’re better than your fuckboy brother Zeus”, but of course I was looking at the word as society sees it today. Sexual violation. This is definitely a trigger not only for me but for SO many people out there that I know and even don’t know, which concerned me, because if I am going to be talking about this then I need to go deeper and even do more research to see if he actually did rape her in the context of today’s meaning of it.

What I found is actually more intriguing than I anticipated and for my own peace of mind I checked and rechecked the etymology of it before writing this. Thank you dictionary.com, wikipedia.com, and etymonline.com. I also found this little article which discusses it and gives some interesting insight:

http://powderroom.kinja.com/not-so-fun-with-etymology-rape-1581924332

(You don’t have to go here, I figured I might include it if you did.)

If we look at the word rape, its etymology, where it comes from, it originates from the Latin word rapere which, way back then, meant to snatch, grab, carry off, abduct, seize, you get the idea. It’s an archaic meaning that doesn’t quite translate to what we know the act of rape to be today. However, looking at the root and the origins of the word, it is easy to see how the word morphed into its current present day meaning.

So why is the meaning and etymology of the word rape important to the story of Persephone and Hades?

It is how you look at the word and define it. Are you going to look at the mythos and define it using the word rape in the context of today? Or are you going to look at it in the old archaic context of the word? Because depending on which way you look at their story, it will alter your perception.

Now, I know some of you are going to look at it from the standpoint of today’s meaning and that is perfectly fine. That is your translation of it and I will not fight you on it, as long as you have sufficient evidence and a plausible argument to back it up. If not I’ll bitch slap you with a dictionary.

Personally, I do not believe Hades forced Persephone to have sex with him. I do not believe he forcefully took her virginity or violated her sexually in the slightest. Because, and I cannot emphasize this enough:

He is not like his fuckboy brother Zeus.

Let me say this again.

HE IS NOT LIKE HIS FUCKBOY BROTHER ZEUS!

Have I drilled it into your head that Zeus is a fuckboy and basically has a constant boner all the time? Good. Because that is what he is. (Don’t believe that Disney shit they made in the movie).

Two, the myth never clearly states that he actually did force her to have sex with him. It is interpreted that he did. Also for all we know he might have kidnapped her, had her lived with him and treated her like an actual person instead of a little girl who needed to be protected from men (Demeter you need to work on that overprotectiveness).

And yes Persephone was distraught, I mean I would be too if the Ruler of the Underworld kidnapped me to make me his wife and forced me to live in the underworld with no plants, flowers, sun, and being separated from my mother. I mean come on! Also had she eaten or drank anything frot here she wouldn’t have been able to return to the surface. That was the catch with the underworld.

Well that just added another layer to her misery.

So poor Persephone is not only sacred and alone but she’s also hungry, starving even and that wasn’t because Hades had forced it upon her. It was of her own choosing. He wasn’t abusing her or treating her terribly, at least as far as I can tell, her time in the underworld, while her mom went batshit crazy (yeah Demeter I’m looking at you), Hades actually treated her like a person as opposed to a little girl who needed to be protected from man. I mean for fuck’s sake she did warm his stone cold heart when he saw her before he kidnapped her so it wouldn’t make sense at all for him to treat her terribly after he got her down there.

If you look at Persephone Writes a Letter to Her Mother by A.E. Stallings (which you can find here http://www.poetrynet.org/month/archive/stallings/letter.html ) it’s an interesting depiction and sliver of how Persephone’s time in the underworld was. The way she describes her husband is rather sweet and honest. In fact, I prefer her descriptions of Hades as opposed how the mortals of ancient Greece described him despite the fact that no one fucked with Hades (bad shit happens when you do, take a look at Sisyphus).

Reminder this is just my interpretation on this mythos even after I have found all the research!

But as we all know Demeter, goddammit Demeter, Demeter went fucking crazy. That’s putting it lightly. Don’t get me wrong she had every reason to, wouldn’t you lose your mind a bit after your child had been kidnapped and you couldn’t find them? I mean you’d do everything you could to find them and get them back.

Which she did. She asked Hecate who told her what she knew and to talk to Helios to get the full story then when she found out Hades had taken her daughter…

Well she basically stopped doing her job and nearly caused the world to end.

Talk about an over dramatic reaction. Again, Demeter, your daughter is a grown woman get over your separation issues and stop treating her like a little girl. SHE’S A FUCKING GROWN ASS WOMAN!!!

Can you tell I’m not a huge fan of most of the greek gods?

But at the same time again I can understand where she is coming from. She is an overprotective mother who doesn’t want her precious daughter defiled (which Hades may or may not have done, again up to interpretation of the word rape whether you have it in the old archaic context or the current context) or even kidnapped to go to god knows where (the underworld as she discovered).

Her reaction is justified. And of course she went to Zeus to fix it because oh lordy lord if she did not get her daughter back it would be an endless winter.

Be prepared ancient Greece, winter is coming. Demeter is pissed.

Eventually Zeus concedes, after seeing that the world is basically dying and sends Hermes to the underworld to fetch Persephone to be reunited with her mother.

Well. Hades did agree to return Persephone, and (depending on your interpretation) he either tricked her into eating Pomegranate seeds or she consented to eat them because she was starving. Who knows. Again up to interpretation.

For me, I take a more romantic approach of they actually got to know each other even though she refused to eat, and he treated her like an actual person as opposed to a child and she discovered that maybe being his wife might not be so bad after all and of her own volition ate the pomegranate seeds.

Oh no Persephone ate the seeds nooooo she’s doomed to remain in the underworld forever! Oh woe is the world woe is the world!

Well that is partially true. She did have to stay in the underworld, which pleased Hades and really pissed off Demeter.

Seriously Demeter. Calm. Your. Tits.

So again they go to Zeus who has known of this and basically is partially at fault for the whole debacle and he eventually made a decision which didn’t fully please both parties but it would suffice nonetheless.

For every seed that Persephone consumed, she would spend a month in the underworld with Hades. One seed equals one month. Some sources claim she ate four and spent a third of the year in the underworld. Other sources claim she ate six and spent half of the year down there. Me being me, I favor the six seeds because fall brings about the beginning of the cold months, the beginning of the plants dying, animals preparing for winter, etc.. So for me, I say she ate six and returns to her husband during the fall equinox. But that is just me.

So for spring and summer *insert musical number here from Spring Awakening* Persephone resides on the surface with her mother, and for fall and winter she returns to the underworld to reside as the Queen of the Underworld along side her husband.

Now. I am going to take the romantic aspect away and address the fucked up aspect of the relationship. You ready for this. I fucking hope you are.

The real fucked up part is Hades is her uncle.

Her. Uncle.

Yeah.

Via her father AND mother. Yeah her parents were brother and sister. Zeus is a fuck boy and will stick his dick in anything including blood relatives because apparently he can’t get enough sex. Too much of that little blue pill eh Zeus?

There is just so much incestuous fucked upness in Greek mythology that my brain might explode trying to explain it all.

Let’s face it… the Greek gods were just incestuous little fuckers.

Shit…this post went way deeper into a rabbit hole than I intended…thanks for taking this trip with me fam.

 

Reference Links:

http://www.poetrynet.org/month/archive/stallings/letter.html
http://powderroom.kinja.com/not-so-fun-with-etymology-rape-1581924332
http://www.theoi.com/Khthonios/Haides.html
http://www.theoi.com/Khthonios/HaidesPersephone1.html
http://www.theoi.com/Khthonios/Persephone.html
http://www.ancient.eu/persephone/
http://www.ancient.eu/Hades/
https://www.infoplease.com/language-arts/mythology/classical-mythology-hades-takes-wife-persephone

Also Wikipedia, Dictionary.com, and Etymonline.com

 

THINGS TO REMEMBER: This is all my interpretation of this story even supplemented with research and literary sources. What is stated here is mostly my opinion. Please. Do. Not. Lose. Your. Minds. You may agree or disagree with me. I’m totally cool with either. but then again it’s my fucking blog so I can write what I want.

 

~ The Brooding Dragon

 

 

An Open Letter To My Sister

First of all I’m sorry.

Sorry for the fact that sometimes I don’t think before I speak. I’m a passionate person and that gets in the way of the logical thought I want to express and it doesn’t seem like you care nor do you want to hear my side of the story.

I’m sorry that my selfishness gets in the way but the truth is I am a selfish person and my mental health is far more important to me than any person. That includes you.

I am sorry that my mere existence seems to put you off so much to where you take out everything on me when the tiniest little thing bothers you.

I’m sorry that I don’t stand up for myself when I firmly believe that your opinion is wrong especially when it promotes rape culture or misogyny. But it’s really hard to get in a fucking word edgewise when you lose your fucking mind about the fact that you may be wrong!

I’m sorry that I can’t take a joke, but one, I’m a squishy person and I’m sensitive. I can’t usually tell when someone is being serious or not, two, you always aLWAyS get pissed off when I react the way I do.

I’m sorry I don’t stand up for myself more. It’s really difficult when I have the fear ingrained into me that you might hit me for denying your opinion and expressing my own. It also make it harder when I hear your side, but don’t get to express mine because you refuse to listen.

I’m sorry that I suffer from anxiety, depression, ADHD, and slight OCD. I don’t know why I got picked to be one of those special snowflakes who suffer from at least four of those, but it really takes a lot out of me when I’m having a shitty day and my inner demons, and chemical imbalance work together to shoot me down and keep me there. I can’t just ‘get over it’ and ‘not worry about it’ because it isn’t as easy for me to let things go. It’s not as easy to just ignore it, or allow it to sit there. If you would like I will gladly show you MRIs and scans of individuals who suffer from what I do. I swear I’m not looking for sympathy. I just need understanding that my brain is different than yours.

I’m sorry that I see the world differently. My version of injustice is different than yours. Maybe that is because I’ve seen it more than you do, or maybe its because i’ve seen i in every history class I’ve taken.

I’m sorry that I’m not nearly as nurturing or as carefree as you want me to be. I don’t need to really explain myself here.

I’m sorry that you feel the need to invalidate my feelings because you’ve been through more in your life than I have. No. You’ve had a different experience.

I’m sorry I don’t think like you. No wait I’m not sorry for that. I’m not sorry that I don’t think the way you do.

I’m not sorry that I am mentally ill.

I’m not sorry for existing in your life.

I’m not sorry that I see the world differently.

I’m not sorry for anything.

You’re stuck with me and yeah right now it sucks that we live together. It sucks so much that we can’t have our own lives. But I hope you know how much I sacrifice for you. Mostly sleep, because clearly you forget that I am in the room right next to yours, and when you are up until wee hours of the morning with whomever you are with, with your dogs barking and making so much noise on nights where I actually have to be up early, it kind of takes a toll on me.

But I don’t complain to you because god forbid I complain to you. If I do of course you’ll say that your life is tougher because of reasons X, Y, and Z. That is invalidating to myself and that is not okay.

I don’t feel the need to judge you based on your choices of who you fuck, who you date, what you smoke, the list goes on and on. Yet you feel the need to judge me because my shirts are cut too low, or I’m more of a liberal thinking person than you are. Whatever. I don’t need to explain myself. Even when you shame me for what I wear.

I’m not sorry that my boobs clearly offend you.

And right now there is a list of thing that I am proud of you for but frankly I am too angry to express them right now. Maybe when I cool off and you take that pole out of your ass I’ll actually write them and give them to you. But right now I am too angry and too hurt, and too wounded to do that.

For now…leave me to my devices. And I’ll leave you to yours.

~ The Brooding Dragon

Birthday

So today I woke up and I smiled to myself because, it is my birthday today. Yet I don’t feel different. This isn’t normal as I haven’t felt much different as each year has passed as I age gracefully in this life. Today feels no different than any other day, save for the fact that it is indeed my birthday.

I turn 28 today.

Some people don’t actually believe me when I say this because of how I dress or how youthful I look or hell even how I act. I still feel like a teenager but there are things that I do and I go “Oh yeah I’m too old for that shit.”

When did I start feeling too old?

It isn’t because I am too old because I’m still a young twenty something woman, it’s because I haven’t taken care of myself and I am not in the best shape of my life right now. But I will get there.

But I am grateful. I am lucky. I’m not part of the 27 club. I’ve learned a lot in my 28 years. I’m still learning so much in them. But I am incredibly lucky to have made it this far, and I’m glad.

I cannot tell you how many times in these years (especially my teenage ones) where I felt like I was a ball of nothing, useless, unloved, all the angsty teenage crap that is mostly out of my system. And I’m glad I didn’t disappear, or kill myself or do so much harm to myself that I became a totally different person. I grew out of it, i over came it, and I learned. this isn’t to say I still get angsty once in a while, because I do, but I try not to let it get too out of control.

This year. This year 28 is going to be my year. I’m going to not be so much of a hermit, strengthen my relationships with dear friends, and even best friends, work on not being so awkward, stop trying to impress (unless I absolutely have to to land a role or a job), get a career going, do more in the theatre arts, make more art, try and get projects I’ve been sitting on out from under me and off the ground, etc.

There is too much to list and I’m going to take each day at a time.

Live more in the present even while I work towards the future, try and make this world a better place, and spread love, kindness, and being the change I want to see int he world.

This is the year guys.

This is the year where I will transform. It took me twenty eight years to get here. It’s gonna happen.

~ The Brooding Dragon