Always Keep Fighting

So…lately I have been completely out of sorts with my mental state and writing about it generally helps. I had severe to major anxiety for a few weeks and for the past week or so I’ve been having the spiraling thoughts of why are we constantly in motion or why we can’t go back or fast forward or what not. And I’ve come to a conclusion. Granted this was after I ended up at a small hospital by my house for a few hours to try and find something to help.

More on that later.

But today while I’m still experiencing some anxiety and crazy spiraling thoughts, it hasn’t been too bad. I felt more like myself. Like I could conquer the world at least for a few hours.

I’m realizing…that there is literally no solution to the questions because it is far too big for me to understand or for my brain to even comprehend. So why am I questioning it? Why not just enjoy the day and work on getting out of my idle spot in life?

Truth is Anxiety and Depression go hand in hand and tend to be this terrifying monster that eats away at you when you feel like your life isn’t going anywhere for you. It feeds upon your fear and sadness until there is nothing left to give and each day it gets harder and harder to feel happy and find the

Basically it’s a fucking Dementor. And with this dementor apparently Expecto Patronum wasn’t enough to make it go away which has severely harmed me in the mental department.

Yesterday this lead me to a small hospital by my house that my parents took me to because really they were clueless and it scared them with how I was acting. I was out of my mind and terrified myself because my brain was racing and my thoughts couldn’t stop going around in circles. It was to the point where I needed the pros.

And I’m glad the ordeal last night only took like three hours. It could have been longer.

But talking to a counselor helped. Tremendously. She gave me a different perspective of why maybe my brain was going crazy. I was so busy for like four months and it didn’t stop then all of a sudden when I was done with my degree things just slowed down…I mean like they went super slow. All I was doing was rehearsals for shows in Glendale and applied to a whole bunch of teaching jobs.

No bites.

Nothing for the teaching jobs.

I was babysitting my niece. Going to rehearsal. And that was about the pinnacle of my existence. Which made my brain so so much more idle.

Idleness builds up and then it makes your brain go crazy.

And I started questioning the point of every single thing I did and every single second and fuck I even questioned time and motion itself. I obsessively thought about it and overcomplicated it when there was no need to.

I still have it on and off which is freaking me out still but I am working hard to get it all to stop. Anti anxiety meds are helping or at least the ones I was given are supposed to help.

I’m low key still trying to figure it out. The impossible concepts but I at least have people who will be helping me along the way so I can live the way I want to. Happy, healthy, and full of passion for everything I do.

I need to not measure everything by the millisecond, or hell even by achievements. I shouldn’t try to figure out the why’s or even the hows or the impossible questions or thoughts in life.

I need to go out and do. Involve myself. Get out of my house and just DO.

Life is not about finding the answers to the impossible. Life is about enjoying the things you love, the people you care about, and living. It’s about doing. Not overanalyzing everything.

I’m not giving up on me.

I will always keep fighting.

Always.

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A Rant About Life As I Am Currently

I have been on a long hiatus since college ended because I needed time to mentally and physically recover from everything. And life right now still isn’t sunshine and rainbows yet but at least right now I’m in a better place to actually write.

And I hate that I get so tired and too exhausted to write and most days I’m hardly doing anything save for binge watching cartoons or playing games on my phone when I’m not running a rehearsal. but those at least distract me from the rabbit hole my brain has been going down lately.

It’s not a good rabbit hole either.

Like anyone with anxiety…

My brain literally jumps to the worst possible case scenario and frightful things that shake me to my core and terrify me to the marrow of my bones. Maybe its because I’ve had an overactive imagination, or maybe I’ve seen or read too many stories that have god awful things happen to innocent people but there are just days where I cannot shut it off. They are becoming more frequent and paralyzing as the time goes on.

I become useless. I am rendered useless for a good while. Because all I can think about is oh god oh god what if this or this happens, the paranoia sending my heart thundering through my body and my breath in rapid gasps, like I cannot get enough air. The air becomes chillier, my fear gives me reason to quiver uncontrollably and I call out, reach out to anyone for help to talk me down, to tell me that I’m being stupid, to assure me that the world is not crumbling around me and that we are all going to die within minutes. More often than not I get no response until later.

It is times like those that I have to force my logical and rational side of my brain (of which I affectionately call Spock) to kick in. Because it’s been silent then entire time. That or it’s been trying to say something and the irrational Kirk side doesn’t listen.

When Spock kicks in, I move, I do, I research, I find something, anything to ground myself, to remind myself that it is okay, that I am okay. And it’s helped. It’s not always effective, but it’s certainly better than losing my damn mind over something so small.

There are times where someone will immediately respond and it makes everything easier.

And I am okay.

But because of the anxiety and the panic and the overactivity of my imagination I can shut down and cease to be functional. It also takes away valuable energy that I need to get through my day to do what I need to do. More often than not it renders me without spoons to use for that day, to where I have to draw upon spoon for another day. It is certainly going to bite me in the ass later on. I know it will, but sometimes I do what I have to.

It feels good to actually write again.

I’m going to do better to not let the anxiety and depression get the better of me as it has.

I still have no job. I’m searching and praying and hoping for one.

I hate our current people in power and I am praying that something will happen to change that.

I hate the fact that people have become so divided in the last year and lack empathy for others.

I hate the fact that I have lost interest in so many things and that I cannot get into a new series on netflix or hulu or on the television that I have recorded. Or even the fact that I can’t read a book for more than five minutes…

Right now there is so much I am not okay with in my life and so much I am working on. I’ve already made one goal. I have a bachelor’s degree. But is that enough? Is it enough to get me to where I need to be? Is it enough to get me a career where I can pay off the massive amount of debt I am in because of school?

Is it enough?

I’m going to refrain from going on another rant about being enough. That is for another day. Right now, I’m going to attempt to read a book or write something fictional.

~ The Brooding Dragon

Force of Nature

She was a force, one to be reckoned with, and not one to fuck around with. One moment she was quiet, contemplative, focused, and the next she’d be everywhere, laughing, shouting about something, and jumping up and down. Night an day is what she was, there was no dawn or dusk.

But that is not how it started. She started as gentle waves on the beach and grew to be crashing waters against cliffs. Waves I could handle and get lost in.

We met in Phoenix, during a business meeting between her group and mine. I was third wheel, so was she and we ended up sharing a room. Odd really since I thought we’d do two rooms, her with her best friend and best friends husband, me with mine and his wife. But it ended up as three rooms. She paid, not like she couldn’t afford it, but she paid nonetheless and told us it was “not a problem” and it was “her pleasure”.

A selfless act from a hurricane of a woman.

She and I shared a room.

The six of us ended up at dinner, a fancy restaurant up in the Hyatt, all of us dressed to the nines. I decided to tame the mane of hair I had just to attempt to look nice, but sometimes the hair does not want to be tamed.  She had just fluffed her freshly dried curls and was spritzing her face,  “so keep my makeup in place” she had explained, like she read my mind and plucked the question out of it.

I couldn’t help but grin as I escorted her to dinner.

I still remember the smell of her perfume.

Dinner, she was animated, telling story after story when prompted, complete with hand gestures and facial expressions. We were laughing until we couldn’t breathe and people passing by wondered what was wrong with the fancy dressed people howling with laughter in the corner.

She grew deep and passionate when she and her friend spoke about what they did and why they did it. My hand often found its way into hers and she never did protest.

We offered the girls a proposal but they declined, feeling they would lose their brand if they merged with ours. Of course while disappointed we understood, but they offered a compromise. Collaborations every once in a while. This was something we could agree to.

Our friends had retired to their rooms leaving just the two of us. Lucky me because I wanted to pick her brain.

“I’m not tired yet.” She told me, giving me a glance with her honey brown eyes.

“Where do you recommend we go?” I asked.

“If you are up for coffee and pancakes there is an Ihop.” She suggested.

We ended up at an Ihop twenty minutes later, and spent at least four hours sipping coffee, laughing, and chatting about our lives.

But she got deep, and when I noticed the melancholy look in her eyes I had to wonder, who tried to dull her shine, who tried killing her spark?

“What is it?” I asked.

“I’m overthinking,” She replied looking me in the eye, “I’ve been over thinking the entire night for the past five minutes wondering what you and your friend think of me and mine, what is going through your head right now, why are you still here listening to me babble on about myself.” It was sincere, raw, honest, and a part of me wondered why she had to ask.

I sat next to her, took her hands with mine, and looked her in the eye.

“You’re interesting.” I told her. “Far more interesting than any girl I’ve met and I’m not talking about what you could possibly do in bed considering we talked about the kinky side of sex.”

She snorted in laughter.

“I’m serious.” I told her reaching up to touch her cheek. I already saw the tears welling in her eyes. “You are a force of nature. That’s terrifying but you’re one of those forces that doesn’t need to be tamed. It’s mesmerizing to watch you and get lost in what your saying. Anyone who is scared of that is a moron.”

“You’re not scared?”

“I’m terrified.” I paused. “But I’m not running. Most people would run from the storm. I want to dive in it.”

That was when she kissed me.

And that is when I got lost in the storm.

 

 

I wanted to write something. It’s been a while.

~ The Brooding Dragon

AZRF week 6

I’m feeling so hungover from this weekend. We were in 90+*F temperatures the entire weekend and many of us wilted far sooner than we thought and somehow some of us survived.

Not too may highlights this weekend but it was not all bad.

  • I was able to gift a custom bone pin to the young man who made me laugh so hard for fifteen minutes upon the dias. This was followed by his dad being “miffed” (he wasn’t miffed) about not getting one himself, and we all proceeded to play it off with me begging for forgiveness for him and him making me feel so guilty to the point where I did feel bad. He was super chill with it but I’m gonna get him a custom pin anyway. Mwahahaha.
  • Being doused in water from head to toe. Holy sweet Jesus it felt so good while being in the heat and it helped me survive.
  • Having a lovely patron flirt with me and get me to blush. I swear this guy was smooth. Smoother than cocoa butter. He was a pretty man and I was almost knocked to my knees.
  • Gummi worms. My friend came with gummi worms and fed them to us. What made it so much funnier was one of the cast I was with was our plague doctor who we tease endlessly. I stuck one to the end of his nose.
  • I got inspired for more of my novel and my world building and events that will happen.
  • Playing with Will Scarlet and Little John on the dias because those gents are so much fun. They are super nice guys.
  • Getting to know a little more about two of my dear rennies. Because of this I love them so much more and they are even more dear to my heart.
  • SURVIVING THE HEAT! Literally thought I was going to collapse…

We have only two more weekends left and while I am sad I am also very grateful because I’ll get my weekends back and actually relax a bit more while I finish the semester.

Soon I’ll be posting more writing, thoughts and some inspirational posts. I’ve been writing more poetry lately.

~ The Brooding Dragon

REN FAIRE

To the sweet little girl who constantly showered me with hugs…this is for you. 🙂

 

As I may have mentioned in previous entries I work as on of the local entertainers for the Arizona Renaissance Festival. It is every weekend two months out of the year and renders me absolutely exhausted.

This year people can locate me by my green skirts, red bodice, straw hat…

Oh and my favorite prop which is the trunk of a former pine tree Lucille. Yes I have a walking stick wrapped with scrap fabric and I named her Lucille, and the story goes, she was gifted to me by an old man named Negan.

For you TWD fans…I ain’t even sorry.

And I will try to post photos from AZRF to share on here because I mean…shenanigans.

But yes. If you see a young lady walking with a large stick that is about waist height and you are at AZRF that would be me.

Opening Weekend left me thoroughly exhausted. Like Im literally sitting here before class with my eyes glazed over because I am in dire need of Rest and Recovery. But it is all worth it! I swear.

I get to run around this year flirting with everyone and trying to “steal” their baubles. I go by Siria Blackhook, but you can call me Siri for short, and ask me anything. (Yes I did this on purpose.)

Highlights of the weekend:
– I apparently made a drunk college boy very ‘happy’
– I stole the timepiece from our Geoffrey Chaucer (I returned it to the actor don’t worry)
– Aquired a fanc new timepiece (because I needed one)
– Flirted with one but TWO Captain Hooks
– Nearly stole the crown from Prince Nicholas’s head. Unfortunately my plan was foiled and he outed me as a Bandit. (But dammit if that actor isn’t enchanting with the patrons and he is so much fun to play with)
– Managed to win the Queen Mum’s favor to the point where she was concerned about me when our Catherine Di Medici decided that she was above the law (in and out of character. the queen Mum likes me and gave me some very good sage advice which I will be ADHERING to in the future)
– Played with Robin Hood, Will Scarlet, and Little John. I really do adore the Robin Hood gents. (I may adore them all but Siri well…Will is her favorite.)
– Pleased the Queen by lowering myself as far as I could to the ground. I found myself on my knees and my belly a lot this weekend.
– Was personally picked by one of the small princesses to be a part of her collection of peasants and parade around with the gaggle of princesses and royals.
– Gave a rather detailed description to the Cardinal about how I acquired Lucille AND received a very genuine reaction. He proceeded to gift me with a piece of the Holy Wood.  (I’ll post the stories here after the faire season is over)
– Said Cardinal read the best confessions at a pizza parlour where we all gathered on Sunday night. (they tend to be pretty…interesting)
– The Lady Mayor employed me as her personal thief. She gets a cut of anything I steal. Which is especially fun because not only is she an incredible performer, but she has this wonderful and dominant presence about her.

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE!!!!
– A little girl wearing a flower crown made a beeline towards me whenever I was in her line of sight (this includes me reverancing to the Crown and company). Her name was Emma and she was the sweetest and cutest six year old girl I met at faire. I swear that little girl was filled with so much joy and gave so many hugs. Me being me I love hugs ESPECIALLY HUGS FROM CHILDREN because they are the most pure and innocent of creatures on this earth and I must make sure to make them smile or happy or even make them feel better.

In order for me to spread positivity though I will not be posting low lights unless there is something that REALLY bothers me at Faire. Then I will express it explain and reflect upon it.

But I really just wanted to post highlights of my weekends because really…Faire for me is home because I am loved. I am welcomed. I am wanted. And I am Valuable. I have found family here even if there is drama between people I still have found family. We have each others backs and we love each other.

I always look forward to returning home in the spring. Fairehaven is my home.

And Home got alot more mischievous now that Siri is there. 😉

~ The Brooding Dragon

In Which I Totally Make A Paper Entertaining To Read

So for the first paper for a class we had to write was a time we had an action slip or even let our mind wander. Of course being the lover of pop culture and the nerd that I am I had to insert references to The Silence, and I blamed them for making me forget my deodorant.

Fun fact. The paper was supposed to be a page long. Mine turned into a three and a half page saga of how I forgot to put on Deodorant one day.

 

Yes The Silence, as in The Silence from Doctor Who the Silence. They are the culprits responsible for making individuals like you and I forget why we looked into the refrigerator, why we bypassed the store on the way home from a long day at work, or why we even walked into the room…it is because they are there, hiding, lurking, waiting…

That would sound like the ominous selection from a fanfiction or a wikipedia article, and it does. In the nerd culture, as I am a part of, we blame our forgetfulness upon an enemy known as The Silence. You cannot see them but they are there and lingering and they are the creatures that would make someone forget something. At least, that is the excuse for when someone walks into a room and forgets why then set foot in there or even why they went on autopilot on the way home from work when they forgot to pick up the milk.

Me, being the nerd that I am I had to throw in as least a Doctor Who reference in there, but as far as action slips go…well, my list is far too long and would wrap around the world a thousand times over. I am forgetful and possibly suffer short term memory loss like Dory. Nah, I am kidding. That is another conversation altogether.

However, I do constantly suffer from action slips and absent mindedness, most of the time it happens when I am driving down to the valley, up to Flagstaff, or even to Gold Canyon for the Arizona Renaissance Festival. For the intent and purpose of this paper, I am going to go with the Faire example, because it is that time of year for me. Two months out of my year I am performing in Gold Canyon as a street entertainer for AZRF.  

To get to the Faire site, I drive down the US – 60, as do our patrons, to get there. Along the way, there are a couple of fast food places, a grocery store, a couple of mom and pops places, and a Walgreens. One day, in my haste to get to the faire site to get my costume approved, (because this is something that has to happen every faire season, I mean we need to look good), I had forgotten to put on the ever so important Deodorant. In addition to that, I had also forgotten to bring it with me on my way out the door, in case I had forgotten it. I was about ten minutes away from home when I said to myself:
“Self, did you put on deodorant?”  

To which I replied:

“No self, no I did not put on deodorant…but there is a Walgreens on the way! We can stop there!”

I had drilled it into my brain that we were going to stop by the Walgreens and pick up some deodorant so I did not have to worry. Besides, it was also a nice day. The sun was shining, the birds flying overhead, I had my tunes hooked up to my car stereo and was rocking out, like I always do when I drive.

The next thing I knew…I had arrived at the Faire site…and had completely forgotten to pick up some deodorant. How could I have forgotten to do such an important thing?! Oh woe is me! God above forgive me for such a transgression! I get over theatrical when I tell a story. It’s just a part of who I am and what I do with my life. I am an entertainer and artist after all.

Now I am sure you are thinking ‘get a grip it is just deodorant’, but for someone like me who works in an industry where I perform and I am constantly around people, interacting and working with them, deodorant is pretty bloody important! I hate smelling like a prepubescent teenage girl who has not learned the value of how imperative deodorant is.

Well…I suppose I had to go through the approval process, which in reality is not so terrible, without my deodorant and the gripping fear that I would smell like some preteen boy who does not know how to shower or know that deodorant exists. This was a terrifying thing for me. As well as nerve wracking. But if anyone noticed, no one said a thing. So I am still hoping no one noticed.

I figured this was a more entertaining tale than me having my mind wander during class. It does happen but usually when I am incredibly exhausted from either being sick or from overworking myself, or not getting enough sleep.

But as far as making sure that I do not bypass the store on my wait to the Faire site or even home…well obviously repeating and drilling into my head that I needed to stop somewhere clearly did not work in the case of my deodorant story. Perhaps I need to have a friend join me in my drives to remind me of things. That or invest in post it notes to place all around my car to remind me. I can possibly set an alarm on my phone or a reminder at least to remind me. Even then I might forget but I can try my damndest to make sure I do not forget!

Maybe I should just keep a stick of it in my bag.

Because really I don’t ever want to go anywhere without wearing deodorant again. I even shudder at the thought.

I suppose I could blame The Silence for this. Yes. I will blame The Silence.

 

Yes I plan on turning this in and I hope to god it give my professor a laugh. Because I certainly had a laugh while writing this.

~ The Brooding Dragon