Crumpled

So there was a mental exercise that a wonderful friend of mine gave me the other night because I had been struggling hardcore that day with my brain going berserk. Not gonna lie Tuesday was absolutely exhausting. I’ll get to that in a minute. But she told me of an exercise of taking the things I had been thinking about and metaphorically putting them on a piece of paper, crumpling it up, throwing it on the floor, and walking away. Though, in my version I throw it in the recycle and walk away. Gotta save the earth man.

But it was an interesting exercise that I hadn’t actually thought of or used and I am attempting to apply it to my life.

I mean I plan on doing it physically as well. I’ve got plenty of paper I can do it with.

But now to Tuesday. Though today I feel like I have a little more anxiety because I’m starting an afterschool class at a new school which I am excited and incredibly nervous for. But it’s low on the totem pole of what is driving my brain crazy.

Tuesday.

I had probably the most massive and worst meltdown I can ever imagine and it was because my brain went into overdrive with my thoughts. What was worse was I was alone in the house with my niece and her crying didn’t make things better. I feel like I scared her and that alone horrified me…

But it was like a monster was inside of me trying to take over everything I was doing and eventually I just broke. I crumpled into a ball screaming and sobbing on the cold tile floor needing something, anything to just relieve me. Nothing. I rubbed ice on my forearms because my brain was thinking of self harm. I wanted in that moment so badly to just die but at the same time I didn’t. I just wanted relief from the pain. I just wanted anything to take away the crazy thoughts in my head. I still want them gone.

Yesterday I was numb. Annoyed. But numb.

Today I’m awake with a bit of anxiety waiting for my meds to kick in. And I’m having the same stupid nonsensical thoughts again because my brain clearly has made a habit of it which is bad.

We as human beings are constantly in motion. There is no pressing rewind on our lives. Our memories and stories we’ve experienced will be in our hearts and thoughts until the day we die. Sure it all seems meaningless in the big long run of things but that is not something to dwell upon or even try to understand. Believe me I’ve been doing it for the past week and a half.

I also have to stop thinking of each day as another day that has slipped into the past. I have over analyzed and over thought this concept as well which is part of why my brain has gone totally buggy. Because when you realize that we are constantly moving forward with no way – literally – to go back, you start to go a little more insane than you usually would. We cannot measure how life is by days and we cannot try to understand the intricacies and some of the mysteries of life that we are unable to solve because let’s face it. The human brain cannot handle thinking about those because what it leads to is existential depression that spirals into insanity. I’ve been there. I’m still there. I’m trying my damndest not to question anything so I can get out.

But when you are idle and aren’t working all that much and are stuck at home a lot your brain tends to start wandering to a deep dark place and it will get stuck.

I miss the days where I didn’t have to worry about waking up with the existential thoughts. I long for the days and times where I could go about my day and not have a panic attack or freak out about anything. I crave the days where if I had anxiety over something it was of something new, not something horrifying and potentially devastating.

I want to have those days where I can just go about my day with an empty mind if need be or an agenda if I have it because I hate being trapped here. I hate it so much because I have forgotten how to be happy…

~ The Brooding Dragon

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Dear Existential Depression

Dear Existential Depression,

I cannot live like this any more. I realize you are there but I simply cannot live with you overtaking my brain every single day making it absolutely miserable to exist. I cannot live. I cannot be. I cannot enjoy myself in my quiet moments like I used to because you simply will not leave me alone.

I cannot tell you how exhausted I am from trying to shut you out or even telling you or even praying for you to go away. It is taking everything from me so I have hardly any energy to function.

I am so exhausted from all of this fighting I am doing inside of my mind that I want it to be over. I just want the thoughts to stop and I want to stop being lost in a hopeless little void of darkness that is consuming everything within me.

Please. Please. I beg of you. Stop. Just. Stop.

~ The Brooding Dragon

Always Keep Fighting

So…lately I have been completely out of sorts with my mental state and writing about it generally helps. I had severe to major anxiety for a few weeks and for the past week or so I’ve been having the spiraling thoughts of why are we constantly in motion or why we can’t go back or fast forward or what not. And I’ve come to a conclusion. Granted this was after I ended up at a small hospital by my house for a few hours to try and find something to help.

More on that later.

But today while I’m still experiencing some anxiety and crazy spiraling thoughts, it hasn’t been too bad. I felt more like myself. Like I could conquer the world at least for a few hours.

I’m realizing…that there is literally no solution to the questions because it is far too big for me to understand or for my brain to even comprehend. So why am I questioning it? Why not just enjoy the day and work on getting out of my idle spot in life?

Truth is Anxiety and Depression go hand in hand and tend to be this terrifying monster that eats away at you when you feel like your life isn’t going anywhere for you. It feeds upon your fear and sadness until there is nothing left to give and each day it gets harder and harder to feel happy and find the

Basically it’s a fucking Dementor. And with this dementor apparently Expecto Patronum wasn’t enough to make it go away which has severely harmed me in the mental department.

Yesterday this lead me to a small hospital by my house that my parents took me to because really they were clueless and it scared them with how I was acting. I was out of my mind and terrified myself because my brain was racing and my thoughts couldn’t stop going around in circles. It was to the point where I needed the pros.

And I’m glad the ordeal last night only took like three hours. It could have been longer.

But talking to a counselor helped. Tremendously. She gave me a different perspective of why maybe my brain was going crazy. I was so busy for like four months and it didn’t stop then all of a sudden when I was done with my degree things just slowed down…I mean like they went super slow. All I was doing was rehearsals for shows in Glendale and applied to a whole bunch of teaching jobs.

No bites.

Nothing for the teaching jobs.

I was babysitting my niece. Going to rehearsal. And that was about the pinnacle of my existence. Which made my brain so so much more idle.

Idleness builds up and then it makes your brain go crazy.

And I started questioning the point of every single thing I did and every single second and fuck I even questioned time and motion itself. I obsessively thought about it and overcomplicated it when there was no need to.

I still have it on and off which is freaking me out still but I am working hard to get it all to stop. Anti anxiety meds are helping or at least the ones I was given are supposed to help.

I’m low key still trying to figure it out. The impossible concepts but I at least have people who will be helping me along the way so I can live the way I want to. Happy, healthy, and full of passion for everything I do.

I need to not measure everything by the millisecond, or hell even by achievements. I shouldn’t try to figure out the why’s or even the hows or the impossible questions or thoughts in life.

I need to go out and do. Involve myself. Get out of my house and just DO.

Life is not about finding the answers to the impossible. Life is about enjoying the things you love, the people you care about, and living. It’s about doing. Not overanalyzing everything.

I’m not giving up on me.

I will always keep fighting.

Always.

Crisis

So.

I’ve taken probably a longer hiatus than I have wanted but lately my life has been less than exciting.

Mostly I’ve been the stay at home babysitter for my niece and not taking care of myself while working on shows and comicon.

But this past month has been…

Well lets just say I’ve been in an existential crisis where my depression and anxiety soared out of the water and to levels that I am not proud of. It got bad. So so bad to the point where I was not sure of what to do with myself.

I had multiple breakdowns. Multiple panic attacks, multiple anxiety spikes and attacks that not many people could help me with. But to those who did I am so so grateful and thankful for them.

But now the anxiety and depression has decided to keep my brain focused upon the subject of time, how it is constantly in motion, how we can only go forward and never go back, and how this just flow and pass.

I’ve been overthinking the flow and passing of time, falling down the rabbit hole of insanity, trying to understand and trying to fathom why we constantly are in motion whether it be still, slow, or even a fast paced motion. Really it’s exhausting trying to not think about it.

My question for everything big or small is why.

Why?

Why are we constantly in motion? Why are we constantly moving? Why are we only given a limited time on this planet? Why are we here?

What does it all mean?

And I have yet to find the answers. But then again I am not working. I don’t have a job to go to every day.

I’ve been overthinking even the smallest things like movement, motion, words, how everything can change in an instant. I’m questioning my existence, my meaning in life, my purpose. Right now this is all I can think of.

It is because I am idle, not even actively doing anything, not moving towards a goal, or even doing anything worth going after or anything meaningful.

I’ve lost my passion for life. I’ve lost my love for it. I am caught and lost in this depressive circular loop that I cannot seem to escape. It’s like a mobius loop that I’m unable to escape and that I”m trying so hard to get out of.

I know this will pass. I know that I will forget about all of this and move on and live my life the way I want to.

Because life is about the human experience. It’s about cherishing moments, remembering stories, sharing them with friends, hoping for a brighter future, paving a brighter future for generations to come, enjoying life.

And I’m not enjoying mine right now.

I’m working on finding a solution and trying to find help so I can process and stop this insane thinking. But so far everything looks bleak.

~ The Brooding Dragon

A Rant About Life As I Am Currently

I have been on a long hiatus since college ended because I needed time to mentally and physically recover from everything. And life right now still isn’t sunshine and rainbows yet but at least right now I’m in a better place to actually write.

And I hate that I get so tired and too exhausted to write and most days I’m hardly doing anything save for binge watching cartoons or playing games on my phone when I’m not running a rehearsal. but those at least distract me from the rabbit hole my brain has been going down lately.

It’s not a good rabbit hole either.

Like anyone with anxiety…

My brain literally jumps to the worst possible case scenario and frightful things that shake me to my core and terrify me to the marrow of my bones. Maybe its because I’ve had an overactive imagination, or maybe I’ve seen or read too many stories that have god awful things happen to innocent people but there are just days where I cannot shut it off. They are becoming more frequent and paralyzing as the time goes on.

I become useless. I am rendered useless for a good while. Because all I can think about is oh god oh god what if this or this happens, the paranoia sending my heart thundering through my body and my breath in rapid gasps, like I cannot get enough air. The air becomes chillier, my fear gives me reason to quiver uncontrollably and I call out, reach out to anyone for help to talk me down, to tell me that I’m being stupid, to assure me that the world is not crumbling around me and that we are all going to die within minutes. More often than not I get no response until later.

It is times like those that I have to force my logical and rational side of my brain (of which I affectionately call Spock) to kick in. Because it’s been silent then entire time. That or it’s been trying to say something and the irrational Kirk side doesn’t listen.

When Spock kicks in, I move, I do, I research, I find something, anything to ground myself, to remind myself that it is okay, that I am okay. And it’s helped. It’s not always effective, but it’s certainly better than losing my damn mind over something so small.

There are times where someone will immediately respond and it makes everything easier.

And I am okay.

But because of the anxiety and the panic and the overactivity of my imagination I can shut down and cease to be functional. It also takes away valuable energy that I need to get through my day to do what I need to do. More often than not it renders me without spoons to use for that day, to where I have to draw upon spoon for another day. It is certainly going to bite me in the ass later on. I know it will, but sometimes I do what I have to.

It feels good to actually write again.

I’m going to do better to not let the anxiety and depression get the better of me as it has.

I still have no job. I’m searching and praying and hoping for one.

I hate our current people in power and I am praying that something will happen to change that.

I hate the fact that people have become so divided in the last year and lack empathy for others.

I hate the fact that I have lost interest in so many things and that I cannot get into a new series on netflix or hulu or on the television that I have recorded. Or even the fact that I can’t read a book for more than five minutes…

Right now there is so much I am not okay with in my life and so much I am working on. I’ve already made one goal. I have a bachelor’s degree. But is that enough? Is it enough to get me to where I need to be? Is it enough to get me a career where I can pay off the massive amount of debt I am in because of school?

Is it enough?

I’m going to refrain from going on another rant about being enough. That is for another day. Right now, I’m going to attempt to read a book or write something fictional.

~ The Brooding Dragon

An Open Letter To My Sister

First of all I’m sorry.

Sorry for the fact that sometimes I don’t think before I speak. I’m a passionate person and that gets in the way of the logical thought I want to express and it doesn’t seem like you care nor do you want to hear my side of the story.

I’m sorry that my selfishness gets in the way but the truth is I am a selfish person and my mental health is far more important to me than any person. That includes you.

I am sorry that my mere existence seems to put you off so much to where you take out everything on me when the tiniest little thing bothers you.

I’m sorry that I don’t stand up for myself when I firmly believe that your opinion is wrong especially when it promotes rape culture or misogyny. But it’s really hard to get in a fucking word edgewise when you lose your fucking mind about the fact that you may be wrong!

I’m sorry that I can’t take a joke, but one, I’m a squishy person and I’m sensitive. I can’t usually tell when someone is being serious or not, two, you always aLWAyS get pissed off when I react the way I do.

I’m sorry I don’t stand up for myself more. It’s really difficult when I have the fear ingrained into me that you might hit me for denying your opinion and expressing my own. It also make it harder when I hear your side, but don’t get to express mine because you refuse to listen.

I’m sorry that I suffer from anxiety, depression, ADHD, and slight OCD. I don’t know why I got picked to be one of those special snowflakes who suffer from at least four of those, but it really takes a lot out of me when I’m having a shitty day and my inner demons, and chemical imbalance work together to shoot me down and keep me there. I can’t just ‘get over it’ and ‘not worry about it’ because it isn’t as easy for me to let things go. It’s not as easy to just ignore it, or allow it to sit there. If you would like I will gladly show you MRIs and scans of individuals who suffer from what I do. I swear I’m not looking for sympathy. I just need understanding that my brain is different than yours.

I’m sorry that I see the world differently. My version of injustice is different than yours. Maybe that is because I’ve seen it more than you do, or maybe its because i’ve seen i in every history class I’ve taken.

I’m sorry that I’m not nearly as nurturing or as carefree as you want me to be. I don’t need to really explain myself here.

I’m sorry that you feel the need to invalidate my feelings because you’ve been through more in your life than I have. No. You’ve had a different experience.

I’m sorry I don’t think like you. No wait I’m not sorry for that. I’m not sorry that I don’t think the way you do.

I’m not sorry that I am mentally ill.

I’m not sorry for existing in your life.

I’m not sorry that I see the world differently.

I’m not sorry for anything.

You’re stuck with me and yeah right now it sucks that we live together. It sucks so much that we can’t have our own lives. But I hope you know how much I sacrifice for you. Mostly sleep, because clearly you forget that I am in the room right next to yours, and when you are up until wee hours of the morning with whomever you are with, with your dogs barking and making so much noise on nights where I actually have to be up early, it kind of takes a toll on me.

But I don’t complain to you because god forbid I complain to you. If I do of course you’ll say that your life is tougher because of reasons X, Y, and Z. That is invalidating to myself and that is not okay.

I don’t feel the need to judge you based on your choices of who you fuck, who you date, what you smoke, the list goes on and on. Yet you feel the need to judge me because my shirts are cut too low, or I’m more of a liberal thinking person than you are. Whatever. I don’t need to explain myself. Even when you shame me for what I wear.

I’m not sorry that my boobs clearly offend you.

And right now there is a list of thing that I am proud of you for but frankly I am too angry to express them right now. Maybe when I cool off and you take that pole out of your ass I’ll actually write them and give them to you. But right now I am too angry and too hurt, and too wounded to do that.

For now…leave me to my devices. And I’ll leave you to yours.

~ The Brooding Dragon

Monsters in My Head

So I am exhausted. Blanket statement, could mean a number of things.

There is college student exhausted, there is parent exhausted, there is exhausted from work, the list goes on and on.

But there is also exhausted from having your mind turn against you like the son of a bitch that it is. I’m talking of course of anxiety.

The most amusing way I can describe anxiety is it is that friend that you all know by face and that kind of lingers around like a fucking creep just waiting to crash a party or group gathering, and when the chance is given, BAM, he fucking comes out of nowhere and makes everyone feel weird or uncomfortable and just doesn’t get the hint to fucking leave until someone forces him to or he says “thanks guys I’ll see you all later bye!” And the cycle begins again.

Anxiety is that annoying friend you hate that invites themselves to your parties and workdays and classes. Which just makes your life so much harder and all around weirder and by the end of the day your so fucking tired of spending all this energy on them and they just leave without compensating you.

I think I just described it as a really shitty sitcom.

But the reality is,¬†anxiety is more of a monster. You know the types that you might have been afraid of as a child, the ones that lurk in the shadows at night or under your bed, even after your parents or guardians¬†say there are no monsters under the bed. As a kid, sometimes that was enough to comfort us. But when you’re a teenager or an adult, the monsters are much more real, and incredibly exhausting to deal with. I run out of spoons because of this sometimes.

They don’t go away easily. They linger, watching and waiting to pounce when you least expect it, or when a fucking tragedy has befallen your family. They attack when you are weakest, clutching, gnawing, squeezing you until you can’t breath or think logically to even move. You can’t do anything. Control is gone and in their hands now and all you can do is act as their puppet.

Anxiety is the real monster under the bed, the one that lingers in the closet, the shadows, the creeks and corners of our minds.

And by the gods it is just an exhausting monster to fight.

At least in my case.

I’ve been dealing with it all day today, in highs and lows. It was totally frantic one moment, sucking me dry of all my energy and patience, and the next it slunk back into its dark little corner all the while leeching my energy rendering me exhausted and forcing me to draw spoons from another day.

Truth be told its ridiculous.

Ridiculous how I let this monster control me and how I feel with one little trigger. Especially when I have logic saying otherwise and that I am being irrational. But then again this monster isn’t at all rational. Not to me who only suffers a mild case of it with huge attacks from time to time. And certainly not to those who suffer more moderate to severe cases. Or even mild cases like me.

But regardless, no matter how exhausting it may be, or draining or even petrifying…

I will rise.

I may be fucking exhausted after having a day filled with three attacks and low key rumblings.

I will fucking rise, and get my shit done.

But please excuse me while I look like a permanently exhausted pigeon doing it.

I need more spoons.

 

~The Brooding Dragon