Crumpled

So there was a mental exercise that a wonderful friend of mine gave me the other night because I had been struggling hardcore that day with my brain going berserk. Not gonna lie Tuesday was absolutely exhausting. I’ll get to that in a minute. But she told me of an exercise of taking the things I had been thinking about and metaphorically putting them on a piece of paper, crumpling it up, throwing it on the floor, and walking away. Though, in my version I throw it in the recycle and walk away. Gotta save the earth man.

But it was an interesting exercise that I hadn’t actually thought of or used and I am attempting to apply it to my life.

I mean I plan on doing it physically as well. I’ve got plenty of paper I can do it with.

But now to Tuesday. Though today I feel like I have a little more anxiety because I’m starting an afterschool class at a new school which I am excited and incredibly nervous for. But it’s low on the totem pole of what is driving my brain crazy.

Tuesday.

I had probably the most massive and worst meltdown I can ever imagine and it was because my brain went into overdrive with my thoughts. What was worse was I was alone in the house with my niece and her crying didn’t make things better. I feel like I scared her and that alone horrified me…

But it was like a monster was inside of me trying to take over everything I was doing and eventually I just broke. I crumpled into a ball screaming and sobbing on the cold tile floor needing something, anything to just relieve me. Nothing. I rubbed ice on my forearms because my brain was thinking of self harm. I wanted in that moment so badly to just die but at the same time I didn’t. I just wanted relief from the pain. I just wanted anything to take away the crazy thoughts in my head. I still want them gone.

Yesterday I was numb. Annoyed. But numb.

Today I’m awake with a bit of anxiety waiting for my meds to kick in. And I’m having the same stupid nonsensical thoughts again because my brain clearly has made a habit of it which is bad.

We as human beings are constantly in motion. There is no pressing rewind on our lives. Our memories and stories we’ve experienced will be in our hearts and thoughts until the day we die. Sure it all seems meaningless in the big long run of things but that is not something to dwell upon or even try to understand. Believe me I’ve been doing it for the past week and a half.

I also have to stop thinking of each day as another day that has slipped into the past. I have over analyzed and over thought this concept as well which is part of why my brain has gone totally buggy. Because when you realize that we are constantly moving forward with no way – literally – to go back, you start to go a little more insane than you usually would. We cannot measure how life is by days and we cannot try to understand the intricacies and some of the mysteries of life that we are unable to solve because let’s face it. The human brain cannot handle thinking about those because what it leads to is existential depression that spirals into insanity. I’ve been there. I’m still there. I’m trying my damndest not to question anything so I can get out.

But when you are idle and aren’t working all that much and are stuck at home a lot your brain tends to start wandering to a deep dark place and it will get stuck.

I miss the days where I didn’t have to worry about waking up with the existential thoughts. I long for the days and times where I could go about my day and not have a panic attack or freak out about anything. I crave the days where if I had anxiety over something it was of something new, not something horrifying and potentially devastating.

I want to have those days where I can just go about my day with an empty mind if need be or an agenda if I have it because I hate being trapped here. I hate it so much because I have forgotten how to be happy…

~ The Brooding Dragon

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Dear Existential Depression

Dear Existential Depression,

I cannot live like this any more. I realize you are there but I simply cannot live with you overtaking my brain every single day making it absolutely miserable to exist. I cannot live. I cannot be. I cannot enjoy myself in my quiet moments like I used to because you simply will not leave me alone.

I cannot tell you how exhausted I am from trying to shut you out or even telling you or even praying for you to go away. It is taking everything from me so I have hardly any energy to function.

I am so exhausted from all of this fighting I am doing inside of my mind that I want it to be over. I just want the thoughts to stop and I want to stop being lost in a hopeless little void of darkness that is consuming everything within me.

Please. Please. I beg of you. Stop. Just. Stop.

~ The Brooding Dragon

Always Keep Fighting

So…lately I have been completely out of sorts with my mental state and writing about it generally helps. I had severe to major anxiety for a few weeks and for the past week or so I’ve been having the spiraling thoughts of why are we constantly in motion or why we can’t go back or fast forward or what not. And I’ve come to a conclusion. Granted this was after I ended up at a small hospital by my house for a few hours to try and find something to help.

More on that later.

But today while I’m still experiencing some anxiety and crazy spiraling thoughts, it hasn’t been too bad. I felt more like myself. Like I could conquer the world at least for a few hours.

I’m realizing…that there is literally no solution to the questions because it is far too big for me to understand or for my brain to even comprehend. So why am I questioning it? Why not just enjoy the day and work on getting out of my idle spot in life?

Truth is Anxiety and Depression go hand in hand and tend to be this terrifying monster that eats away at you when you feel like your life isn’t going anywhere for you. It feeds upon your fear and sadness until there is nothing left to give and each day it gets harder and harder to feel happy and find the

Basically it’s a fucking Dementor. And with this dementor apparently Expecto Patronum wasn’t enough to make it go away which has severely harmed me in the mental department.

Yesterday this lead me to a small hospital by my house that my parents took me to because really they were clueless and it scared them with how I was acting. I was out of my mind and terrified myself because my brain was racing and my thoughts couldn’t stop going around in circles. It was to the point where I needed the pros.

And I’m glad the ordeal last night only took like three hours. It could have been longer.

But talking to a counselor helped. Tremendously. She gave me a different perspective of why maybe my brain was going crazy. I was so busy for like four months and it didn’t stop then all of a sudden when I was done with my degree things just slowed down…I mean like they went super slow. All I was doing was rehearsals for shows in Glendale and applied to a whole bunch of teaching jobs.

No bites.

Nothing for the teaching jobs.

I was babysitting my niece. Going to rehearsal. And that was about the pinnacle of my existence. Which made my brain so so much more idle.

Idleness builds up and then it makes your brain go crazy.

And I started questioning the point of every single thing I did and every single second and fuck I even questioned time and motion itself. I obsessively thought about it and overcomplicated it when there was no need to.

I still have it on and off which is freaking me out still but I am working hard to get it all to stop. Anti anxiety meds are helping or at least the ones I was given are supposed to help.

I’m low key still trying to figure it out. The impossible concepts but I at least have people who will be helping me along the way so I can live the way I want to. Happy, healthy, and full of passion for everything I do.

I need to not measure everything by the millisecond, or hell even by achievements. I shouldn’t try to figure out the why’s or even the hows or the impossible questions or thoughts in life.

I need to go out and do. Involve myself. Get out of my house and just DO.

Life is not about finding the answers to the impossible. Life is about enjoying the things you love, the people you care about, and living. It’s about doing. Not overanalyzing everything.

I’m not giving up on me.

I will always keep fighting.

Always.

Crisis

So.

I’ve taken probably a longer hiatus than I have wanted but lately my life has been less than exciting.

Mostly I’ve been the stay at home babysitter for my niece and not taking care of myself while working on shows and comicon.

But this past month has been…

Well lets just say I’ve been in an existential crisis where my depression and anxiety soared out of the water and to levels that I am not proud of. It got bad. So so bad to the point where I was not sure of what to do with myself.

I had multiple breakdowns. Multiple panic attacks, multiple anxiety spikes and attacks that not many people could help me with. But to those who did I am so so grateful and thankful for them.

But now the anxiety and depression has decided to keep my brain focused upon the subject of time, how it is constantly in motion, how we can only go forward and never go back, and how this just flow and pass.

I’ve been overthinking the flow and passing of time, falling down the rabbit hole of insanity, trying to understand and trying to fathom why we constantly are in motion whether it be still, slow, or even a fast paced motion. Really it’s exhausting trying to not think about it.

My question for everything big or small is why.

Why?

Why are we constantly in motion? Why are we constantly moving? Why are we only given a limited time on this planet? Why are we here?

What does it all mean?

And I have yet to find the answers. But then again I am not working. I don’t have a job to go to every day.

I’ve been overthinking even the smallest things like movement, motion, words, how everything can change in an instant. I’m questioning my existence, my meaning in life, my purpose. Right now this is all I can think of.

It is because I am idle, not even actively doing anything, not moving towards a goal, or even doing anything worth going after or anything meaningful.

I’ve lost my passion for life. I’ve lost my love for it. I am caught and lost in this depressive circular loop that I cannot seem to escape. It’s like a mobius loop that I’m unable to escape and that I”m trying so hard to get out of.

I know this will pass. I know that I will forget about all of this and move on and live my life the way I want to.

Because life is about the human experience. It’s about cherishing moments, remembering stories, sharing them with friends, hoping for a brighter future, paving a brighter future for generations to come, enjoying life.

And I’m not enjoying mine right now.

I’m working on finding a solution and trying to find help so I can process and stop this insane thinking. But so far everything looks bleak.

~ The Brooding Dragon

A Rant About Life As I Am Currently

I have been on a long hiatus since college ended because I needed time to mentally and physically recover from everything. And life right now still isn’t sunshine and rainbows yet but at least right now I’m in a better place to actually write.

And I hate that I get so tired and too exhausted to write and most days I’m hardly doing anything save for binge watching cartoons or playing games on my phone when I’m not running a rehearsal. but those at least distract me from the rabbit hole my brain has been going down lately.

It’s not a good rabbit hole either.

Like anyone with anxiety…

My brain literally jumps to the worst possible case scenario and frightful things that shake me to my core and terrify me to the marrow of my bones. Maybe its because I’ve had an overactive imagination, or maybe I’ve seen or read too many stories that have god awful things happen to innocent people but there are just days where I cannot shut it off. They are becoming more frequent and paralyzing as the time goes on.

I become useless. I am rendered useless for a good while. Because all I can think about is oh god oh god what if this or this happens, the paranoia sending my heart thundering through my body and my breath in rapid gasps, like I cannot get enough air. The air becomes chillier, my fear gives me reason to quiver uncontrollably and I call out, reach out to anyone for help to talk me down, to tell me that I’m being stupid, to assure me that the world is not crumbling around me and that we are all going to die within minutes. More often than not I get no response until later.

It is times like those that I have to force my logical and rational side of my brain (of which I affectionately call Spock) to kick in. Because it’s been silent then entire time. That or it’s been trying to say something and the irrational Kirk side doesn’t listen.

When Spock kicks in, I move, I do, I research, I find something, anything to ground myself, to remind myself that it is okay, that I am okay. And it’s helped. It’s not always effective, but it’s certainly better than losing my damn mind over something so small.

There are times where someone will immediately respond and it makes everything easier.

And I am okay.

But because of the anxiety and the panic and the overactivity of my imagination I can shut down and cease to be functional. It also takes away valuable energy that I need to get through my day to do what I need to do. More often than not it renders me without spoons to use for that day, to where I have to draw upon spoon for another day. It is certainly going to bite me in the ass later on. I know it will, but sometimes I do what I have to.

It feels good to actually write again.

I’m going to do better to not let the anxiety and depression get the better of me as it has.

I still have no job. I’m searching and praying and hoping for one.

I hate our current people in power and I am praying that something will happen to change that.

I hate the fact that people have become so divided in the last year and lack empathy for others.

I hate the fact that I have lost interest in so many things and that I cannot get into a new series on netflix or hulu or on the television that I have recorded. Or even the fact that I can’t read a book for more than five minutes…

Right now there is so much I am not okay with in my life and so much I am working on. I’ve already made one goal. I have a bachelor’s degree. But is that enough? Is it enough to get me to where I need to be? Is it enough to get me a career where I can pay off the massive amount of debt I am in because of school?

Is it enough?

I’m going to refrain from going on another rant about being enough. That is for another day. Right now, I’m going to attempt to read a book or write something fictional.

~ The Brooding Dragon

An Open Letter To My Sister

First of all I’m sorry.

Sorry for the fact that sometimes I don’t think before I speak. I’m a passionate person and that gets in the way of the logical thought I want to express and it doesn’t seem like you care nor do you want to hear my side of the story.

I’m sorry that my selfishness gets in the way but the truth is I am a selfish person and my mental health is far more important to me than any person. That includes you.

I am sorry that my mere existence seems to put you off so much to where you take out everything on me when the tiniest little thing bothers you.

I’m sorry that I don’t stand up for myself when I firmly believe that your opinion is wrong especially when it promotes rape culture or misogyny. But it’s really hard to get in a fucking word edgewise when you lose your fucking mind about the fact that you may be wrong!

I’m sorry that I can’t take a joke, but one, I’m a squishy person and I’m sensitive. I can’t usually tell when someone is being serious or not, two, you always aLWAyS get pissed off when I react the way I do.

I’m sorry I don’t stand up for myself more. It’s really difficult when I have the fear ingrained into me that you might hit me for denying your opinion and expressing my own. It also make it harder when I hear your side, but don’t get to express mine because you refuse to listen.

I’m sorry that I suffer from anxiety, depression, ADHD, and slight OCD. I don’t know why I got picked to be one of those special snowflakes who suffer from at least four of those, but it really takes a lot out of me when I’m having a shitty day and my inner demons, and chemical imbalance work together to shoot me down and keep me there. I can’t just ‘get over it’ and ‘not worry about it’ because it isn’t as easy for me to let things go. It’s not as easy to just ignore it, or allow it to sit there. If you would like I will gladly show you MRIs and scans of individuals who suffer from what I do. I swear I’m not looking for sympathy. I just need understanding that my brain is different than yours.

I’m sorry that I see the world differently. My version of injustice is different than yours. Maybe that is because I’ve seen it more than you do, or maybe its because i’ve seen i in every history class I’ve taken.

I’m sorry that I’m not nearly as nurturing or as carefree as you want me to be. I don’t need to really explain myself here.

I’m sorry that you feel the need to invalidate my feelings because you’ve been through more in your life than I have. No. You’ve had a different experience.

I’m sorry I don’t think like you. No wait I’m not sorry for that. I’m not sorry that I don’t think the way you do.

I’m not sorry that I am mentally ill.

I’m not sorry for existing in your life.

I’m not sorry that I see the world differently.

I’m not sorry for anything.

You’re stuck with me and yeah right now it sucks that we live together. It sucks so much that we can’t have our own lives. But I hope you know how much I sacrifice for you. Mostly sleep, because clearly you forget that I am in the room right next to yours, and when you are up until wee hours of the morning with whomever you are with, with your dogs barking and making so much noise on nights where I actually have to be up early, it kind of takes a toll on me.

But I don’t complain to you because god forbid I complain to you. If I do of course you’ll say that your life is tougher because of reasons X, Y, and Z. That is invalidating to myself and that is not okay.

I don’t feel the need to judge you based on your choices of who you fuck, who you date, what you smoke, the list goes on and on. Yet you feel the need to judge me because my shirts are cut too low, or I’m more of a liberal thinking person than you are. Whatever. I don’t need to explain myself. Even when you shame me for what I wear.

I’m not sorry that my boobs clearly offend you.

And right now there is a list of thing that I am proud of you for but frankly I am too angry to express them right now. Maybe when I cool off and you take that pole out of your ass I’ll actually write them and give them to you. But right now I am too angry and too hurt, and too wounded to do that.

For now…leave me to my devices. And I’ll leave you to yours.

~ The Brooding Dragon

Total Control

“Total control,” said Moody quietly as the spider balled itself up and began to roll over and over. “I could make it jump out of the window, drown itself, throw itself down one of your throats…”
~ Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire 

Yes. This is how this post is starting. Yes this is directly from the book. No I do not take credit for the passage above. That all goes to J.K. Rowling (thank you for allowing me to use Harry Potter to relate to every day things). And now I will tell you why I chose this passage.

I’m taking at least two psychology courses to finally finish up the degree I’ve been putting off for a couple of years and for extra credit we can do studies within the department for research. Naturally (because I want that extra security for my grade) I decided to partake in a study this morning. Phase one of a Hypnosis and hand writing study. I figured “hey why not this looks interesting might as well see what it is about and get extra points for my grade.”

Oh lord.

I was not prepared.

The thing about hypnosis is becoming relaxed and getting suggestions that filter to your brainwaves in this state. You become more willing to obey the suggestions and follow through with them as if you were totally and completely conscious. It also doesn’t help that you are placed into a relaxed state of mind to make you less obstinate  to what you are being told to do. Your mind is malleable. A thought is planted there and the body cannot help but obey sometimes. It just depends on willpower. Mine apparently was very weak.

Now I will say I did struggle and twitch in annoyance when I found I could NOT resist and that just frustrated me sending parts of my brain into a panic while others were telling it to shut the fuck up and let it happen. Being “controlled” like that so to speak is kind of horrifying in its own way especially if you are a person who gets really creeped out by mind control and fearing that the next suggestion might be the last.

My body wanted to rebel. Parts of my mind were screaming “No don’t don’t give in! Why are you doing this!” but the larger part had much more control and sounded much like Emperor Palpataine going “Good good.” It was one of the most terrifying and yet calming experiences in one. But overall, I’m still a little freaked out by it. It gave me a taste of what could ACTUALLY happen if technology got so advances to where we all were mind controlled. But this was for science and I knew I was in a safe space where disaster was certain to NOT happen.

Now why did I include the mention of the Imperius Curse at the beginning. Simple. It’s a form of hypnosis so to speak. At least in my mind that is how it translated. You see (here’s where all the Harry Potter nerds tune in) one of the Unforgivable Curses is the Imperius curse. This gives the caster complete and total control of the victim.

It was the most wonderful feeling. Harry felt a floating sensation as every thought and worry in his head was wiped gently away, leaving nothing but a vague, untraceable happiness. He stood there feeling immensely relaxed, only dimly aware of everyone watching him.
~ Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

This description is LITERALLY how I felt under hypnosis. Sure my brain still went on mini tangents while I was under but those were blurred and wiped away, like zoning out while driving. But holy sweet Jesus on toast this is literally how I felt. Even while there was a small part of me panicking and freaking out. That part was not nearly strong enough to fight against the hypnosis.

And yet I am insane enough to hopefully be invited to participate in the second part of the study for this. If I do I get to see the EEGs taken of my brain waves while under hypnosis.

Goddamn the muggle version of the Imperius Curse is trippy as hell.

I still feel hungover from it.

The things I do for science. Wait, I shouldn’t say that. Aperture Science will want me as a test subject and they will give me false promises of cake.

THE CAKE IS A LIE!

~ The Brooding Dragon

Cracking

Usually on Facebook I try to remain a positive force or just an anonymous individual who posts about weird strange and cool stuff. I try to be positive and spread love, kindness, joy, whatever I can because I would rather be posting about that than my personal problems for the world to see.

But today…ugh. Today I don’t know why of all days today I posted something very vague.

“Dear emotions. Can you not? Thanks.”

I never do this to try to get attention. No. It’s a way for me to ease it out of my system so i can write about it later. And if people are curious then they can ask me about it and i’ll fill them in.

But for me…one picture, a stupid fucking picture was enough to send me into an emotional overdrive to where I just want to sob my eyes out. Why? How is it that one picture can set a person off into some emotion?

Well, in a way we are all guns. and we all have a trigger. Now usually were not cocked loaded and ready to go, the safety is usually on (I literally know next to nothing about weaponry so please bear with me while I make the general metaphor). But there are some days where that safety is clicked off and there is a finger resting on our trigger. Here is the fun part…sometimes we don’t even know it until we’ve gone off.

This is what people like to label as ‘triggered’.

It was the release to my emotions. Once that finger squeezed my trigger, all bets were off and the floodgates opened, pouring down my face and practically making me look more sick and exhausted than I already am. (I’m not sick. just exhausted.)

A single picture. Triggered me enough to feel rotten, undesirable, worthless, useless, and unwanted. It’s making the barrier I’ve slowly been letting down start to build up again because I don’t want someone to actually SAY that I am any of those things. Or to reject me again. Rejection only hardens us more to the world.

And I don’t want to have that hard tough shell around me. I want to feel more, love harder, and be all around more sensitive to people. But its so hard when I’ve built such a cast iron shell around myself to preserve my sanity. It’s a defense mechanism. One that has made me a pretty fucked up human and one that I need to destroy…

I’m trying. I’m working on it. Some days are better than others. It all depends on my confidence level, and my levels of insecurities.

I’m working on those too.

~ The Brooding Dragon

REN FAIRE

To the sweet little girl who constantly showered me with hugs…this is for you. 🙂

 

As I may have mentioned in previous entries I work as on of the local entertainers for the Arizona Renaissance Festival. It is every weekend two months out of the year and renders me absolutely exhausted.

This year people can locate me by my green skirts, red bodice, straw hat…

Oh and my favorite prop which is the trunk of a former pine tree Lucille. Yes I have a walking stick wrapped with scrap fabric and I named her Lucille, and the story goes, she was gifted to me by an old man named Negan.

For you TWD fans…I ain’t even sorry.

And I will try to post photos from AZRF to share on here because I mean…shenanigans.

But yes. If you see a young lady walking with a large stick that is about waist height and you are at AZRF that would be me.

Opening Weekend left me thoroughly exhausted. Like Im literally sitting here before class with my eyes glazed over because I am in dire need of Rest and Recovery. But it is all worth it! I swear.

I get to run around this year flirting with everyone and trying to “steal” their baubles. I go by Siria Blackhook, but you can call me Siri for short, and ask me anything. (Yes I did this on purpose.)

Highlights of the weekend:
– I apparently made a drunk college boy very ‘happy’
– I stole the timepiece from our Geoffrey Chaucer (I returned it to the actor don’t worry)
– Aquired a fanc new timepiece (because I needed one)
– Flirted with one but TWO Captain Hooks
– Nearly stole the crown from Prince Nicholas’s head. Unfortunately my plan was foiled and he outed me as a Bandit. (But dammit if that actor isn’t enchanting with the patrons and he is so much fun to play with)
– Managed to win the Queen Mum’s favor to the point where she was concerned about me when our Catherine Di Medici decided that she was above the law (in and out of character. the queen Mum likes me and gave me some very good sage advice which I will be ADHERING to in the future)
– Played with Robin Hood, Will Scarlet, and Little John. I really do adore the Robin Hood gents. (I may adore them all but Siri well…Will is her favorite.)
– Pleased the Queen by lowering myself as far as I could to the ground. I found myself on my knees and my belly a lot this weekend.
– Was personally picked by one of the small princesses to be a part of her collection of peasants and parade around with the gaggle of princesses and royals.
– Gave a rather detailed description to the Cardinal about how I acquired Lucille AND received a very genuine reaction. He proceeded to gift me with a piece of the Holy Wood.  (I’ll post the stories here after the faire season is over)
– Said Cardinal read the best confessions at a pizza parlour where we all gathered on Sunday night. (they tend to be pretty…interesting)
– The Lady Mayor employed me as her personal thief. She gets a cut of anything I steal. Which is especially fun because not only is she an incredible performer, but she has this wonderful and dominant presence about her.

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE!!!!
– A little girl wearing a flower crown made a beeline towards me whenever I was in her line of sight (this includes me reverancing to the Crown and company). Her name was Emma and she was the sweetest and cutest six year old girl I met at faire. I swear that little girl was filled with so much joy and gave so many hugs. Me being me I love hugs ESPECIALLY HUGS FROM CHILDREN because they are the most pure and innocent of creatures on this earth and I must make sure to make them smile or happy or even make them feel better.

In order for me to spread positivity though I will not be posting low lights unless there is something that REALLY bothers me at Faire. Then I will express it explain and reflect upon it.

But I really just wanted to post highlights of my weekends because really…Faire for me is home because I am loved. I am welcomed. I am wanted. And I am Valuable. I have found family here even if there is drama between people I still have found family. We have each others backs and we love each other.

I always look forward to returning home in the spring. Fairehaven is my home.

And Home got alot more mischievous now that Siri is there. 😉

~ The Brooding Dragon

In Which I Totally Make A Paper Entertaining To Read

So for the first paper for a class we had to write was a time we had an action slip or even let our mind wander. Of course being the lover of pop culture and the nerd that I am I had to insert references to The Silence, and I blamed them for making me forget my deodorant.

Fun fact. The paper was supposed to be a page long. Mine turned into a three and a half page saga of how I forgot to put on Deodorant one day.

 

Yes The Silence, as in The Silence from Doctor Who the Silence. They are the culprits responsible for making individuals like you and I forget why we looked into the refrigerator, why we bypassed the store on the way home from a long day at work, or why we even walked into the room…it is because they are there, hiding, lurking, waiting…

That would sound like the ominous selection from a fanfiction or a wikipedia article, and it does. In the nerd culture, as I am a part of, we blame our forgetfulness upon an enemy known as The Silence. You cannot see them but they are there and lingering and they are the creatures that would make someone forget something. At least, that is the excuse for when someone walks into a room and forgets why then set foot in there or even why they went on autopilot on the way home from work when they forgot to pick up the milk.

Me, being the nerd that I am I had to throw in as least a Doctor Who reference in there, but as far as action slips go…well, my list is far too long and would wrap around the world a thousand times over. I am forgetful and possibly suffer short term memory loss like Dory. Nah, I am kidding. That is another conversation altogether.

However, I do constantly suffer from action slips and absent mindedness, most of the time it happens when I am driving down to the valley, up to Flagstaff, or even to Gold Canyon for the Arizona Renaissance Festival. For the intent and purpose of this paper, I am going to go with the Faire example, because it is that time of year for me. Two months out of my year I am performing in Gold Canyon as a street entertainer for AZRF.  

To get to the Faire site, I drive down the US – 60, as do our patrons, to get there. Along the way, there are a couple of fast food places, a grocery store, a couple of mom and pops places, and a Walgreens. One day, in my haste to get to the faire site to get my costume approved, (because this is something that has to happen every faire season, I mean we need to look good), I had forgotten to put on the ever so important Deodorant. In addition to that, I had also forgotten to bring it with me on my way out the door, in case I had forgotten it. I was about ten minutes away from home when I said to myself:
“Self, did you put on deodorant?”  

To which I replied:

“No self, no I did not put on deodorant…but there is a Walgreens on the way! We can stop there!”

I had drilled it into my brain that we were going to stop by the Walgreens and pick up some deodorant so I did not have to worry. Besides, it was also a nice day. The sun was shining, the birds flying overhead, I had my tunes hooked up to my car stereo and was rocking out, like I always do when I drive.

The next thing I knew…I had arrived at the Faire site…and had completely forgotten to pick up some deodorant. How could I have forgotten to do such an important thing?! Oh woe is me! God above forgive me for such a transgression! I get over theatrical when I tell a story. It’s just a part of who I am and what I do with my life. I am an entertainer and artist after all.

Now I am sure you are thinking ‘get a grip it is just deodorant’, but for someone like me who works in an industry where I perform and I am constantly around people, interacting and working with them, deodorant is pretty bloody important! I hate smelling like a prepubescent teenage girl who has not learned the value of how imperative deodorant is.

Well…I suppose I had to go through the approval process, which in reality is not so terrible, without my deodorant and the gripping fear that I would smell like some preteen boy who does not know how to shower or know that deodorant exists. This was a terrifying thing for me. As well as nerve wracking. But if anyone noticed, no one said a thing. So I am still hoping no one noticed.

I figured this was a more entertaining tale than me having my mind wander during class. It does happen but usually when I am incredibly exhausted from either being sick or from overworking myself, or not getting enough sleep.

But as far as making sure that I do not bypass the store on my wait to the Faire site or even home…well obviously repeating and drilling into my head that I needed to stop somewhere clearly did not work in the case of my deodorant story. Perhaps I need to have a friend join me in my drives to remind me of things. That or invest in post it notes to place all around my car to remind me. I can possibly set an alarm on my phone or a reminder at least to remind me. Even then I might forget but I can try my damndest to make sure I do not forget!

Maybe I should just keep a stick of it in my bag.

Because really I don’t ever want to go anywhere without wearing deodorant again. I even shudder at the thought.

I suppose I could blame The Silence for this. Yes. I will blame The Silence.

 

Yes I plan on turning this in and I hope to god it give my professor a laugh. Because I certainly had a laugh while writing this.

~ The Brooding Dragon