No not literal shit that comes from a bull.
I mean metaphorical.
Sure I could talk about how this election was bullshit, and how our country is fucked up because of our own bullshit but that would just be me writing a political paper heavily supported by the liberals with only a hint of conservative. Let’s face it Liberals have more control over media than conservatives do. That is another rant for another day.
I’m discussing personal bullshit, with toxic individuals and idiot people who clearly do not know how to function in society unless they are given praise, attention, and have an ego the size of the fucking Milky Way.
I’ve already ranted and bitched about this to a few close friends of mine and they are seriously lucky they are not me and they empathize. See my bullshit with a few individuals I will openly admit I brought upon myself and I have told them in either a few words or none at all that they are being, oh how shall I put this bluntly, absolute fucking morons who need a goddamn reality check.
Now a couple of the individuals who have incurred my wrath (as my dear friend put it) are not so high on the list. They are still on the roast list but their transgressions are mostly due in part to their over inflated ego and over-sized libido to get them things that they want. Again, another rant for another day.
No I’m talking about an individual who has single-handedly used up all the stores of loyalty, caring, and patience I have had with her (and for the privacy of these individuals no names will be mentioned. Because they already know who they are.) I have become much more jaded, salty, and incredibly shady. I mean who doesn’t want to throw shade from time to time. And I have enough salt in me to keep the demons from possessing me.
So this ‘friend’ I had… I wish I had never met her because then my life would be so much easier and filled with so much less drama. At fist, she seemed like this nice, bubbly, giving sort of person. Which she was for awhile. As time went on she did express to me her struggle with depression, anxiety, and her familial issues (which I theorize have contributed to those.) And to be fair she has helped me out a few times as well so she isn’t a terrible person. Just a fucking problem child that needs to pull her head out of her ass and grow the fuck up.
They fucking morphed into her bitching and moaning about how she didn’t have a boy to kiss and cuddle and fuck. Like what the hell? A boy is going to make everything better? Bitch no. That is not going to solve your problem. It is going to cause more. This is a fact she doesn’t realize nor is it something she wants to understand let alone acknowledge. Also she is like in her super early twenties and doesn’t realize that she still has time. I’m almost in my thirties and I’m still single. I have ridiculously high expectations (Another post for another time).
This was just the beginning of the downward spiral of my patience. Now let me side track for a moment to explain how much patience I have.
It depends upon the situation.
So lets pretend that patience is a pressure gauge. Visualize it, think about it. Got it in your mind? Okay. Good. We will be referencing this later.
I used to work retail, and in customer service so that gauge fluctuated depending on the idiocy of the situation I had to deal with. Generally, I’m incredibly patient with individuals in a professional setting and in a personal setting, depending on who has incurred my wrath or not. (I really like that phrase and I am keeping it). Like a frustrated and stupid customer can make that gauge start to increase slowly, and the more flustered they get the higher it gets and yet there is no explosion, despite the fact that one probably should happen to give them a reality check. But there is none. There is a safety mechanism that stops the explosion. It’s called screaming in the break room or bathroom.
Now with a personal friend it can be different. The mechanism may not kick in and an explosion happens. Or someone loosens a valve and that pressure is released slowly and eventually the gauge is back to zero. Like when you have to explain to a friend ‘Hey I’m angry with you and this is why but I am not going to paint it out like some Bitter Bill and take low blows that strike below the belt’. There are some interactions that are like that, and, double side note, if you communicate correctly and politely in an educated, intelligent manner (unlike some people who are constantly in the spotlight. I’m looking at you politicians and celebrities) generally the pressure gauge won’t explode and things will either dissipate slowly or work out in their own time.
Now…back to this bitch who clearly needs a lot of help.
I’m not talking ‘like a friend approaching her because of an issue’ help. I’m talking like full on ‘intervention go see a fucking therapist because were sick of your shit and were not paid to help you’ help.
Let me explain.
There were often times she would come to me with an issue or what not , explain in a garbled way how ‘woe is me, my life sucks, I don’t have a boy to make it better, my mom is a terrible bitch’ etc. (Side note: Her mom is actually not a bad person, I can only handle her in doses. But her aura is still a bit intense). Anyway.
She would express an issue to me. I asked how it came up, what happened, why she’d feel that way, typical questions a therapist usually asks, at least in my experience when I started therapy. And I would get no where. Sure I would find out what happened and how she felt, but she’d never tell me why. She tended to dodge the question, which is a pain because we cannot get anywhere if a question is dodged. (I’m guilty of this too. I get uncomfortable and I literally change the subject or try to run. Defense mechanism in action). She relied so so heavily on that defense mechanism.
And after what seemed like hours pulling teeth, I would offer a plethora of suggestions. Many of which she shot down like birds, in the game Duck Hunt. Like I kid you not with how many suggestions she shot down she would have gotten a perfect score in Duck Hunt and not had that stupid dog laugh at her when the duck got away. Bastard.
She wouldn’t take anything. Nothing I said, nothing I offered because it wasn’t what she wanted to hear. It was disapproval. My disapproval of her behavior. And she hardly ever owned up to her own bullshit she accumulated. If she did, I never knew about it.
Unfortunately, I ran out of suggestions, I ran out of room where my pressure could go.
I ran out of patience.
And I snapped at her. Exploded like an over inflated balloon.
I told her what she needed to hear in the harshest way possible and honestly I do not regret it one bit. Any normal person would regret it. But I don’t because I couldn’t think of any other way to get my point across. I did not care if that explosion had collateral damage. I was just so goddamn tired and frustrated with her beating a dead horse and not doing anything about it! She couldn’t bury the fucking horse because god forbid her brain wouldn’t let her! At least that is what her excuse was. Because she depended so heavily on people sympathizing for her because of her mental illnesses. Those became a crutch for her, as does many people, but its not fucking okay to be an asshole to someone or take advantage of them because you suffer from severe anxiety or depression. You have to own up to it. recognize it, but don’t use it as an excuse to gain sympathy or get out of something you hate. (I am guilty of both. I will admit but I am working to make that not happen anymore in my life.)
Because my pressure gauge exploded with her, I have had to repair it. However…I have learned to not be so coddling. Being clear, blunt, and concise is a much better way for me to get straight to the problem, or address an issue. I still have trouble with this as well but I am working at it.
We did still talk, but not nearly as much. Because I was done. I couldn’t handle her fucking problems anymore when she wasn’t doing anything, but run away from them (like she typically does). My pressure gauge was broken and I was on my way to repairing it.
I called her out on her bullshit and proceeded to let some of our mutual friends know what had happened. this was complete with screenshots of our conversations.
I didn’t tell this story to make you think ill of this person. Although considering what I’ve expressed you might. It’s disappointing she pulled this bullshit because she has the power and potential to do so much more and be so much more. And yes. She’s young, and stupid and she probably won’t grow out of that until god knows when.
In truth. I don’t want to bring her down. I want her to own up to her shit and stop running because once she does that, she will start growing into a better person. I want her to pull her head out of wherever she has stuffed it, and get the help she needs to deal with her problems, which are so deeply internalized, she doesn’t even realize it.
I mentioned before that I wish she and I had never met. That was a blatant lie. Because the thing is if I hadn’t met her she wouldn’t have taught me that I can only handle so much bullshit. she wouldn’t have taught me that I need to be a better judge of character. She wouldn’t have taught me that no matter how hard I try I cannot help everyone who needs it.
And in order for her to shine and be the best she can be…
She needs to figure out how to deal with all the baggage she’s carrying.
Because no one, absolutely no one can do it for her.
Except for herself.
~ The Brooding Dragon