Force of Nature

She was a force, one to be reckoned with, and not one to fuck around with. One moment she was quiet, contemplative, focused, and the next she’d be everywhere, laughing, shouting about something, and jumping up and down. Night an day is what she was, there was no dawn or dusk.

But that is not how it started. She started as gentle waves on the beach and grew to be crashing waters against cliffs. Waves I could handle and get lost in.

We met in Phoenix, during a business meeting between her group and mine. I was third wheel, so was she and we ended up sharing a room. Odd really since I thought we’d do two rooms, her with her best friend and best friends husband, me with mine and his wife. But it ended up as three rooms. She paid, not like she couldn’t afford it, but she paid nonetheless and told us it was “not a problem” and it was “her pleasure”.

A selfless act from a hurricane of a woman.

She and I shared a room.

The six of us ended up at dinner, a fancy restaurant up in the Hyatt, all of us dressed to the nines. I decided to tame the mane of hair I had just to attempt to look nice, but sometimes the hair does not want to be tamed.  She had just fluffed her freshly dried curls and was spritzing her face,  “so keep my makeup in place” she had explained, like she read my mind and plucked the question out of it.

I couldn’t help but grin as I escorted her to dinner.

I still remember the smell of her perfume.

Dinner, she was animated, telling story after story when prompted, complete with hand gestures and facial expressions. We were laughing until we couldn’t breathe and people passing by wondered what was wrong with the fancy dressed people howling with laughter in the corner.

She grew deep and passionate when she and her friend spoke about what they did and why they did it. My hand often found its way into hers and she never did protest.

We offered the girls a proposal but they declined, feeling they would lose their brand if they merged with ours. Of course while disappointed we understood, but they offered a compromise. Collaborations every once in a while. This was something we could agree to.

Our friends had retired to their rooms leaving just the two of us. Lucky me because I wanted to pick her brain.

“I’m not tired yet.” She told me, giving me a glance with her honey brown eyes.

“Where do you recommend we go?” I asked.

“If you are up for coffee and pancakes there is an Ihop.” She suggested.

We ended up at an Ihop twenty minutes later, and spent at least four hours sipping coffee, laughing, and chatting about our lives.

But she got deep, and when I noticed the melancholy look in her eyes I had to wonder, who tried to dull her shine, who tried killing her spark?

“What is it?” I asked.

“I’m overthinking,” She replied looking me in the eye, “I’ve been over thinking the entire night for the past five minutes wondering what you and your friend think of me and mine, what is going through your head right now, why are you still here listening to me babble on about myself.” It was sincere, raw, honest, and a part of me wondered why she had to ask.

I sat next to her, took her hands with mine, and looked her in the eye.

“You’re interesting.” I told her. “Far more interesting than any girl I’ve met and I’m not talking about what you could possibly do in bed considering we talked about the kinky side of sex.”

She snorted in laughter.

“I’m serious.” I told her reaching up to touch her cheek. I already saw the tears welling in her eyes. “You are a force of nature. That’s terrifying but you’re one of those forces that doesn’t need to be tamed. It’s mesmerizing to watch you and get lost in what your saying. Anyone who is scared of that is a moron.”

“You’re not scared?”

“I’m terrified.” I paused. “But I’m not running. Most people would run from the storm. I want to dive in it.”

That was when she kissed me.

And that is when I got lost in the storm.

 

 

I wanted to write something. It’s been a while.

~ The Brooding Dragon

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Fight Like a Girl

I fight like a girl because I am a girl.
Don’t underestimate me because I am the “weaker” sex. 
I am not an idiot.
I am intelligent,
Serious,
Sexy,
A blazing fire,
A force to be reckoned with,
I can be all of these things.
Not one or the other
All of them.
And that scares you.
Because you can’t handle it.
Do not think that you will break me easily.
I will persist
I will resist
And I will fight with everything.
I am not ashamed of being a woman.
And I will fight you
Like the dangerous girl I am.
Something I needed to write for International Women’s Day.
Fight like a girl.
Resist.
~ The Brooding Dragon

What If…

What if it all goes to hell…

What if we die tomorrow…

What if we get caught in World War Three and the casualties are more than we can handle…

What if the Doomsday clock hits midnight…

What if history repeats itself…

What if I don’t get to see my family again…

What if I never get to hold my niece again or even see her smile…

What if we all die in a nuclear explosion…

What if I really am a terrible person…

What if things do get worse and we start seeing people rounded up into camps again…

What if I go to hell…

What if imagination takes us too far into forbidden territory and we never survive…

 

What if I never find a significant other…

What if I can’t have children…

What if I get cancer…

What if this…

What if that…

What if…

So many what ifs and uncertainties in life that scare us or even drive us to certain madness.

And most of the time we focus on those that our demons present us.

We forget the one the angels have saved for us.

They come out of the dark corners and crevices.

And glow so brightly that not even demons can fight it.

What if I find the right one to be with forever.

What if I have an amazing career.

What if I learn something.

What if the world starts to change.

What if we show a little kindness.

What if we spread love.

What if we share music, laughter, joy.

What if we work hard and earn that diploma.

What if we take home a new furry friend who loves us forever.

What if we obsess over an amazing series.

What if we find an amazing new place to eat.

What if we go on a crazy adventure.

What if Dragons do exist.

What if we made magic.

What if we loved our family.

What if I get to see my niece grow and help her tackle life and take it by the horns.

What if so much good happens that the bad will fade away.

What if I go to Heaven.

What if I Succeed.

What if…

What if…

 

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask “What if I fall?”
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”
Erin Hanson

~ The Brooding Dragon

The Show Must Go On

I haven’t posted in a couple of days. I have gotten distracted by life, costume construction, being the Best Auntie Ever, and schoolwork. But recently tragedy has struck the family and it came so quickly that I’m kind of still in shock. However at the same time, I saw it coming. It doesn’t make it hurt any less.

But as the title of this entry says…

The show must go on.

As a theatre practitioner I have lived much of my life by this mantra, and it is absolutely essential to getting through every day. Because you can’t just stop life and make it start again when you are ready. No.

The show must go on.

Yes you can take time for bereavement, time to grieve and time to try and collect yourself, figure out how to move on when tragedy strikes. But that is not a place you can reside in forever. You cannot ignore everything else in the world forever.

The show must go on.

So I work in theatre and tragedy has struck me and my family. Right now we are doing what needs to be done to take care of everything and not let it completely disrupt our lives. We are still working, performing, caring for one another, cleaning, reading, everything.

Because the show must go on!

This show we call life, this show we live in, not ones we watch on television or Hulu where we can just pause when we need to. And we can’t just cancel it because we’ve had an accident, or a death in the family. We work with it. We make it happen by any means possible even if it means stretching and straining ourselves thin.

After all…

The show must go on.

We live in a world where sometimes we don’t get the time we need to grieve…where we don’t get that time to heal, or even process what has happened to us. This is because we are always in “the show must go on” mentality. And when this happens…

It is so damaging to us as humans, as a society, as individuals.

When we set our baggage aside to deal with later or forget about it. We brush it under the rug so we can’t see it and pretend like everything is fine, everything is normal and happy. And the more and more it happens…it starts to pile up and all of a sudden it collapses upon you like an avalanche and you can’t breathe, you can’t think, you can see, you can’t do anything because you’re paralyzed by your grief, by your baggage, by your problems!

It is here…that we must make a decision.

Do we suffocate…under our own bullshit.

Or do we dig a way out? Do we search for that path to enlightenment? Do we find a new normal?

And do we do it to actually recover? Do we pick ourselves up and deal with each issue one by one?

Or do we just brush it off again…and let that mess sit there for the cycle to start back up and repeat?

Do we brush it off because…

The show must go on?

 

~The Brooding Dragon

If I Knew Then What I Know Now

If I knew then what I know now…

I wouldn’t have snitched on a boy in my class in the second grade.

I wouldn’t have gotten so jealous over friends so easily.

I wouldn’t have changed schools just before junior high.

I would have stood up for myself when some girl thought I was a poser in junior high government class.

I would have put more effort into the ceramic pots I made in Ceramics class. And not chewed gum in that class because lets face it that teacher had a gum detector and she just KNEW if you had gum in your mouth no matter how hard you tried to hide it.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I would have applied myself more in my studies and not have had to jump through hoops. Because I found drawing and writing far more fascinating than the lecture on western european culture that’s been hammered into our brains since elementary school, and some bitchy old board was giving it. She even asked what I was writing and I lied and said extensive notes on the overhead. And she didn’t believe me. Almost made me read aloud the smut I was writing. I was thirteen.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I would have begged for my parents to transfer me to a school that honed my talents instead of hindered them. The high school theatre teacher didn’t have a fucking clue what he was doing and I’m pretty sure the skinny bitches and douchebags who had no talent blew him in order to get the leads in Macbeth.

I wouldn’t be holding a grudge about the unfairness that happened to so many talented students, including myself in the performing department at my high school.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I would have still gone to community college first.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I wouldn’t have let my first sexual experience be in another girls dorm room.

I wouldn’t have been friends with her in the first place. And if I knew better I wouldn’t have dated that guy. We know the one, the seemingly nice guy who just wants to get into a hot girl’s pants. He did…I was eighteen.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I wouldn’t have tried cutting myself on purpose with scissors, or even cutting myself at all because I wanted to feel something other than emotional pain. I wouldn’t have spent so many nights crying in my bedroom because I felt empty for not having a boyfriend at the age of sixteen. I’m twenty seven now. I still don’t have a boyfriend. I don’t need one. Unfortunately I get solicited a lot for random reasons and it’s rarely from a woman.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I would have taken the chance to date the friend who said they liked me when I was in high school. I miss her…she’s not dead, we just don’t talk much or even write together anymore. I was just kind of shocked when I found out she liked me and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I shut down. I wasn’t exactly sure how to have a same sex relationship or even understand one.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I would have joined the Renaissance Faire years ago and I would have gotten involved with Brelby Theatre sooner. Let’s face it, I’ve found family in both.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I wouldn’t have had so many failed relationships or attempts at relationships. Considering most of them were they wanted to get into my pants and I let them and I did the same thing a few times.

I wouldn’t have chased my then boyfriend to Florida to work at Disney. I would have gone to work for Disney on my own terms and it would have been in California. Not Florida.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I wouldn’t have internalized the fact that I was sexually harassed in a nightclub because of what I was wearing. And I wouldn’t have allowed my best friend at the time to shame me about it. He turned out to have a thing for me and we had a falling out. And that internalization fucked me up in so many ways.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I wouldn’t have tried to sleep with a coworker’s roommate. But I did. And I enjoyed every minute of it. Because the sex was pretty amazing. I didn’t enjoy the fact that she was a possessive bitch and decided to cause a shit show at work getting whomever she could to be on her side to come against me. Mind you she was older than me and married to someone else when this happened. So there is that, which is kind of fucked up really. It kind of wrecked me in ways that I didn’t know or understand at the time.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I wouldn’t have run from something that could have been amazing.

I wouldn’t have fallen so hopelessly and endlessly in love with someone who did not feel the same about me. It’s happened more than once and I still haven’t quite learned my lesson.

I would not be so overly affectionate with people I care about or that I have interest in for that matter. Because sometimes touch makes people uncomfortable, which sucks for me because one of my love languages is touch.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I wouldn’t internalize the fact that I’m seen as an object…I wouldn’t have this terrified mentality that a lot of men just want to be my friend to sleep with me. Nor would I be clutching my keys at night when I walk to my car alone no matter how far away it is. Because apparently society is still working on getting it into their heads that rape culture is a thing. They are working on it…not fast enough though.

I wouldn’t be feeling ashamed about my body and how it isn’t ideal to media standards. I wouldn’t have attempted to starve myself in order to get thinner so I could be appealing according to society’s standards. But this body is mine. And I am learning to love it more and more each day.  

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I would have been making more of an impact in people’s lives as opposed to hiding myself because I thought I was a good for nothing talentless person. Thanks high school…

I would have been learning the subtle signs of body language so I could read people better and hopefully help them in their life journey.

 

If I knew then what I know now.

I would realize that it’s not my fault.

I would have walked out of that drama class in high school and done more community theatre.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I wouldn’t feel so utterly terrified when people poke at the chained up doors in my dark little mind that house so much pain for me. I wouldn’t feel so insecure when they can read me like a book just by observing my body language because that is so uncomfortable to be read and then have it pointed out to you.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I wouldn’t have helped certain people to begin with or wasted my time being their friend. They took so much from me that I have a hard time trusting people.

I would have a better judgement of character.

I wouldn’t beat around the bush when trying to break bad news or when putting someone in their place. Because we really need to just get to the point sometimes.

I would be calling out people in their bullshit more often. And sit back watching them implode while I explain why I’m calling them out. I really should get power points for that.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I would have gotten help for my anxiety and depression years ago.

 

If I knew then what I know now…

I wouldn’t be damaged goods, bruised, broken, trying to put myself back together from pains of the past that I can’t let go. I wouldn’t be trying to prove to some of my high school teachers that I have talent and that I am good enough and that I am not, I am not, I am NOT a machine and that the bitch you put in a specific part shouldn’t have gotten that role because she flaunted it in my face and everyone else’s to prove that she was better than everyone! And she did it by making the rest of us feel like we weren’t worthy of her glorious bullshit! And to be frank she probably got that role because she blew you in the high school parking lot or let you fuck her over the desk because she had those big ass titties and skinny figure that society loves to shove down women’s throats and god forbid you cast anyone based on fucking talent in that wretched disaster you called a spring show in my senior year of high school!

 

If I knew then what I know now…

I wouldn’t have hit rut in my road and had to work my way to get out if it.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I wouldn’t be human…not completely anyway.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I would be the mighty storm coming to blow people away.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I wouldn’t have met this community.

Or my best friend. Lord knows I need her in my life because she’s such a light in this world and in my life.

I wouldn’t love fantasy and fiction as much as I do. Or art and theatre for that matter.

 

If I knew then what I know now,

I wouldn’t be telling this story.

I wouldn’t be healing from past wounds.

I wouldn’t be the person in front of you, standing as I am, in all of my raw, vulnerable, and aching glory.

And I will not apologize for it anymore.

 

~ The Brooding Dragon