Returning? Or No?

I will admit. I’m the worst when it comes to updating a blog and I really should start again. But I’m here. I’m Alive. And I’m still struggling with so many of the thoughts that I’ve had. It’s getting to the point where they happen and then they leave but that unsettling feeling still remains.

But I wrote a two act play literally based off of banter a friend of mine and I had backstage. I have made final edits to act one before the first read but I have so so much research and rewriting to do for act two. But the person who eviscerated my draft really enjoyed it overall! So that is a good thing! That is a thing that is happening.

I’m going to therapy. Its helping more tan I thought it would, and I’m trying my damndest to get involved in as many shows as I can. Plus I’m dabbling in voice acting. Getting a demo together is difficult but I think I can do it. Plus I have friends who want to do covers and start podcasts with me. We just have to find the content for it. Which shouldn’t be hard.

But that is a brief update of my life. I’m…getting better it seems but the anxiety and depression and the existential thoughts are still there but I am trying my hardest to get better so I can enjoy my life more.

Thought I will say…finding a second job is becoming increasingly difficult.

I’m going to try to write more and post more here. I’ve got so many ideas for this world I’ve created in my head. So many characters and so many things…I need to write it all out.


~ The Brooding Dragon



So there was a mental exercise that a wonderful friend of mine gave me the other night because I had been struggling hardcore that day with my brain going berserk. Not gonna lie Tuesday was absolutely exhausting. I’ll get to that in a minute. But she told me of an exercise of taking the things I had been thinking about and metaphorically putting them on a piece of paper, crumpling it up, throwing it on the floor, and walking away. Though, in my version I throw it in the recycle and walk away. Gotta save the earth man.

But it was an interesting exercise that I hadn’t actually thought of or used and I am attempting to apply it to my life.

I mean I plan on doing it physically as well. I’ve got plenty of paper I can do it with.

But now to Tuesday. Though today I feel like I have a little more anxiety because I’m starting an afterschool class at a new school which I am excited and incredibly nervous for. But it’s low on the totem pole of what is driving my brain crazy.


I had probably the most massive and worst meltdown I can ever imagine and it was because my brain went into overdrive with my thoughts. What was worse was I was alone in the house with my niece and her crying didn’t make things better. I feel like I scared her and that alone horrified me…

But it was like a monster was inside of me trying to take over everything I was doing and eventually I just broke. I crumpled into a ball screaming and sobbing on the cold tile floor needing something, anything to just relieve me. Nothing. I rubbed ice on my forearms because my brain was thinking of self harm. I wanted in that moment so badly to just die but at the same time I didn’t. I just wanted relief from the pain. I just wanted anything to take away the crazy thoughts in my head. I still want them gone.

Yesterday I was numb. Annoyed. But numb.

Today I’m awake with a bit of anxiety waiting for my meds to kick in. And I’m having the same stupid nonsensical thoughts again because my brain clearly has made a habit of it which is bad.

We as human beings are constantly in motion. There is no pressing rewind on our lives. Our memories and stories we’ve experienced will be in our hearts and thoughts until the day we die. Sure it all seems meaningless in the big long run of things but that is not something to dwell upon or even try to understand. Believe me I’ve been doing it for the past week and a half.

I also have to stop thinking of each day as another day that has slipped into the past. I have over analyzed and over thought this concept as well which is part of why my brain has gone totally buggy. Because when you realize that we are constantly moving forward with no way – literally – to go back, you start to go a little more insane than you usually would. We cannot measure how life is by days and we cannot try to understand the intricacies and some of the mysteries of life that we are unable to solve because let’s face it. The human brain cannot handle thinking about those because what it leads to is existential depression that spirals into insanity. I’ve been there. I’m still there. I’m trying my damndest not to question anything so I can get out.

But when you are idle and aren’t working all that much and are stuck at home a lot your brain tends to start wandering to a deep dark place and it will get stuck.

I miss the days where I didn’t have to worry about waking up with the existential thoughts. I long for the days and times where I could go about my day and not have a panic attack or freak out about anything. I crave the days where if I had anxiety over something it was of something new, not something horrifying and potentially devastating.

I want to have those days where I can just go about my day with an empty mind if need be or an agenda if I have it because I hate being trapped here. I hate it so much because I have forgotten how to be happy…

~ The Brooding Dragon

Dear Existential Depression

Dear Existential Depression,

I cannot live like this any more. I realize you are there but I simply cannot live with you overtaking my brain every single day making it absolutely miserable to exist. I cannot live. I cannot be. I cannot enjoy myself in my quiet moments like I used to because you simply will not leave me alone.

I cannot tell you how exhausted I am from trying to shut you out or even telling you or even praying for you to go away. It is taking everything from me so I have hardly any energy to function.

I am so exhausted from all of this fighting I am doing inside of my mind that I want it to be over. I just want the thoughts to stop and I want to stop being lost in a hopeless little void of darkness that is consuming everything within me.

Please. Please. I beg of you. Stop. Just. Stop.

~ The Brooding Dragon

I’m really bad at this trying to blog about something a few times a week. Like uber bad at this. It gets even worse when my anxiety rears its ugly head and I start overthinking every little detail of my life for the past twenty eight years. Of course the anxiety gets worse when I’m super stressed about something like I have been for the last week and a half. (They call Tech week Hell week for a reason)

But I swear I overthink every little thing, especially when it comes to certain people or when I’m around certain people and right now it is starting to get a little grating on my nerves and damn near unmanageable.

I’m just ranting at this point.

But maybe it’s because I don’t want to be seen as a failure to myself. Lately I feel like I have let every single person in my life (or at least every single person I’ve come into contact with in the past two weeks) down. This is including the amazing cast i’ve gotten to work with, the kick ass production team I’ve had, the director, my assistant stage manager, my family, friends, even my own characters in my stories. I swear it feels like I’ve done something to let everyone down.

The logical part is I know it’s an over exaggeration. I know for a fact that this is my own brain fucking with me and leading me to believe that I’m just a fucking failure. This is what logic says. Emotion says otherwise.

And of course I don’t talk to anyone about it because I think I’m a burden to everyone and I have this lovely wall that keeps everyone out which is so so detrimental to me because I don’t want anyone to worry but of course it builds and builds and builds to where I can’t handle it and it all comes leaking out everywhere.

In short, the last week and a half was difficult. I’m not handling the aftermath well and I feel like a failure.

Hopefully I’ll try to post content that isn’t about my anxiety or anything like that in the future. but for you readers who are following with me and have stuck with me. Thanks. I really appreciate it.

~The Brooding Dragon


So today I woke up and I smiled to myself because, it is my birthday today. Yet I don’t feel different. This isn’t normal as I haven’t felt much different as each year has passed as I age gracefully in this life. Today feels no different than any other day, save for the fact that it is indeed my birthday.

I turn 28 today.

Some people don’t actually believe me when I say this because of how I dress or how youthful I look or hell even how I act. I still feel like a teenager but there are things that I do and I go “Oh yeah I’m too old for that shit.”

When did I start feeling too old?

It isn’t because I am too old because I’m still a young twenty something woman, it’s because I haven’t taken care of myself and I am not in the best shape of my life right now. But I will get there.

But I am grateful. I am lucky. I’m not part of the 27 club. I’ve learned a lot in my 28 years. I’m still learning so much in them. But I am incredibly lucky to have made it this far, and I’m glad.

I cannot tell you how many times in these years (especially my teenage ones) where I felt like I was a ball of nothing, useless, unloved, all the angsty teenage crap that is mostly out of my system. And I’m glad I didn’t disappear, or kill myself or do so much harm to myself that I became a totally different person. I grew out of it, i over came it, and I learned. this isn’t to say I still get angsty once in a while, because I do, but I try not to let it get too out of control.

This year. This year 28 is going to be my year. I’m going to not be so much of a hermit, strengthen my relationships with dear friends, and even best friends, work on not being so awkward, stop trying to impress (unless I absolutely have to to land a role or a job), get a career going, do more in the theatre arts, make more art, try and get projects I’ve been sitting on out from under me and off the ground, etc.

There is too much to list and I’m going to take each day at a time.

Live more in the present even while I work towards the future, try and make this world a better place, and spread love, kindness, and being the change I want to see int he world.

This is the year guys.

This is the year where I will transform. It took me twenty eight years to get here. It’s gonna happen.

~ The Brooding Dragon

AZRF Weeks 7 and 8/ Things I’ve learned

The last two weekends were not so terrible and yet i don’t remember much about either of them. I think I got shot down by a child with a marshmallow catapult and another came to my aide to see if i was alright…but I actually don’t remember alot.

They were the final two weekends and they were bitter sweet.

But I learned alot.

I learned that a good night sleep does wonders for the human body. The last weekend was not kind to me and my body is still recovering from being drunk. That was not fun.

I learned that working the box office for a theatre company the night before faire is a bad idea.

I learned that its always fun to ask children how their day has been and watching their eyes light up when you give them something shiny.

I’ve also learned that “Hi I’m Syri, ask me anything” works better if I am dressed as a fancy pants courtesan. It was fun being a bandit. But I think if I got an upgrade I could play more with it.

I learned that I would use computer and tech slang to respond with when my brain farted and died.

I learned that you gotta push through even if your day is the worst.

I’ve learned that getting drunk and kissing everyone will give you a chipped tooth and probably cause you problems. And make you lose a good friend.

I learned that its okay to take some time to cry.

I’ve learned that a little help and a few kind words go a long way.

I learned that sometimes you need to bail on one thing to enjoy another.

I’ve learned that some days you feel lost but you’ll get through it.

I learned that it’s not okay to demonize someone because you are jealous, and its better to approach them and apologize if you feel like you’ve made them feel unwanted.

I’ve learned that not everything everyone says about someone is the entire story.

I learned that sometimes its better to let things go and not let it ruffle your feathers.

I’ve learned that I might have poly tendencies.

I learned that taking on too much can really lead you to a melt down at four thirty in the morning.

I’ve learned that no matter what happens I have an amazing tribe to vent to and to take care of me and me take care of them in return.

I’ve also learned I am an awkward octopus. Moreso than I realized and the the octopus god will approach whenever she feels like it.

This is just some of what I’ve learned. There is always more. I am growing as a human being. And trying not to take on too much.

~ The Brooding Dragon

Force of Nature

She was a force, one to be reckoned with, and not one to fuck around with. One moment she was quiet, contemplative, focused, and the next she’d be everywhere, laughing, shouting about something, and jumping up and down. Night an day is what she was, there was no dawn or dusk.

But that is not how it started. She started as gentle waves on the beach and grew to be crashing waters against cliffs. Waves I could handle and get lost in.

We met in Phoenix, during a business meeting between her group and mine. I was third wheel, so was she and we ended up sharing a room. Odd really since I thought we’d do two rooms, her with her best friend and best friends husband, me with mine and his wife. But it ended up as three rooms. She paid, not like she couldn’t afford it, but she paid nonetheless and told us it was “not a problem” and it was “her pleasure”.

A selfless act from a hurricane of a woman.

She and I shared a room.

The six of us ended up at dinner, a fancy restaurant up in the Hyatt, all of us dressed to the nines. I decided to tame the mane of hair I had just to attempt to look nice, but sometimes the hair does not want to be tamed.  She had just fluffed her freshly dried curls and was spritzing her face,  “so keep my makeup in place” she had explained, like she read my mind and plucked the question out of it.

I couldn’t help but grin as I escorted her to dinner.

I still remember the smell of her perfume.

Dinner, she was animated, telling story after story when prompted, complete with hand gestures and facial expressions. We were laughing until we couldn’t breathe and people passing by wondered what was wrong with the fancy dressed people howling with laughter in the corner.

She grew deep and passionate when she and her friend spoke about what they did and why they did it. My hand often found its way into hers and she never did protest.

We offered the girls a proposal but they declined, feeling they would lose their brand if they merged with ours. Of course while disappointed we understood, but they offered a compromise. Collaborations every once in a while. This was something we could agree to.

Our friends had retired to their rooms leaving just the two of us. Lucky me because I wanted to pick her brain.

“I’m not tired yet.” She told me, giving me a glance with her honey brown eyes.

“Where do you recommend we go?” I asked.

“If you are up for coffee and pancakes there is an Ihop.” She suggested.

We ended up at an Ihop twenty minutes later, and spent at least four hours sipping coffee, laughing, and chatting about our lives.

But she got deep, and when I noticed the melancholy look in her eyes I had to wonder, who tried to dull her shine, who tried killing her spark?

“What is it?” I asked.

“I’m overthinking,” She replied looking me in the eye, “I’ve been over thinking the entire night for the past five minutes wondering what you and your friend think of me and mine, what is going through your head right now, why are you still here listening to me babble on about myself.” It was sincere, raw, honest, and a part of me wondered why she had to ask.

I sat next to her, took her hands with mine, and looked her in the eye.

“You’re interesting.” I told her. “Far more interesting than any girl I’ve met and I’m not talking about what you could possibly do in bed considering we talked about the kinky side of sex.”

She snorted in laughter.

“I’m serious.” I told her reaching up to touch her cheek. I already saw the tears welling in her eyes. “You are a force of nature. That’s terrifying but you’re one of those forces that doesn’t need to be tamed. It’s mesmerizing to watch you and get lost in what your saying. Anyone who is scared of that is a moron.”

“You’re not scared?”

“I’m terrified.” I paused. “But I’m not running. Most people would run from the storm. I want to dive in it.”

That was when she kissed me.

And that is when I got lost in the storm.



I wanted to write something. It’s been a while.

~ The Brooding Dragon

AZRF week 6

I’m feeling so hungover from this weekend. We were in 90+*F temperatures the entire weekend and many of us wilted far sooner than we thought and somehow some of us survived.

Not too may highlights this weekend but it was not all bad.

  • I was able to gift a custom bone pin to the young man who made me laugh so hard for fifteen minutes upon the dias. This was followed by his dad being “miffed” (he wasn’t miffed) about not getting one himself, and we all proceeded to play it off with me begging for forgiveness for him and him making me feel so guilty to the point where I did feel bad. He was super chill with it but I’m gonna get him a custom pin anyway. Mwahahaha.
  • Being doused in water from head to toe. Holy sweet Jesus it felt so good while being in the heat and it helped me survive.
  • Having a lovely patron flirt with me and get me to blush. I swear this guy was smooth. Smoother than cocoa butter. He was a pretty man and I was almost knocked to my knees.
  • Gummi worms. My friend came with gummi worms and fed them to us. What made it so much funnier was one of the cast I was with was our plague doctor who we tease endlessly. I stuck one to the end of his nose.
  • I got inspired for more of my novel and my world building and events that will happen.
  • Playing with Will Scarlet and Little John on the dias because those gents are so much fun. They are super nice guys.
  • Getting to know a little more about two of my dear rennies. Because of this I love them so much more and they are even more dear to my heart.
  • SURVIVING THE HEAT! Literally thought I was going to collapse…

We have only two more weekends left and while I am sad I am also very grateful because I’ll get my weekends back and actually relax a bit more while I finish the semester.

Soon I’ll be posting more writing, thoughts and some inspirational posts. I’ve been writing more poetry lately.

~ The Brooding Dragon

AZRF Weeks 4 and 5

So Week four was kind of a bust. I didn’t get many highlights from it because I felt so weird and so off that I did not want to remember it. But there was some good and some lovely moments that came out of it. My personal favorite was an inside joke that happened with two of the cast members.

So to give a little background on these guys. They are known as the Heralds of MyeBum, Mashie and Niblek (not their real names just the character names), a father son duo who are so much fun to interact with and to watch. Their word play is absolutely wonderful and they are two of the most delightful humans to hang out with.

So I’m up on the dias (the nice big platform above the gates) with the boys and Mashie (the father) and I see this man wearing a shirt that says S. W. A. G. which stood for Someone Who Admires God. Mashie and I see this and were both like “okay cool bro that’s awesome displaying your faith and not being an asshole about it good for you” but poor precious little Niblek. He did not see the D until it was too late. This precious little eighteen year old boy thought that the shirt said Someone Who Admires Goo.

Yes. He thought this. The poor kid looked so confused. And he told the both of us out loud while we are standing on the dias. His tone was so pure, innocent, and genuine that I about died of laughter. His dad of course got a good kick out of it too.

And it didn’t end there, like he followed this up with question of what kind of goo were they talking about and I’m certain you can imagine where it went from there. Of course I am still cracking up loudly on the dias and I’m pretty certain patrons were wondering what was so funny that I was laughing so hard.

And in commemoration of that moment he is getting a custom made bonepin that says: “S.W.A.G. Someone Who Admires Goo.”

Good job Niblek. You have earned it.

This moment was also followed up by him and his dad freaking out while watching Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure with us and of course I had to give my stellar commentary. Because I could.

Weekend five was time travelers weekend. And it was hot like dear god it was hot. Yes I say hot and I survive triple digit temperatures in the summer. This is also because we’re in a dry dusty desert in multiple layers of clothing. Alot of people went down this weekend because of the heat.

I was almost one of those people. I had to step offstage to lay down in the entertainment office for a good half hour before I could go back out to entertain the masses. There was Air Conditioning in there and lord knew I needed it.

But many new bits came about this weekend. Which was good! I started leaving my mark on cast and patrons alike (that mark being a lipstick kiss upon people) its temporary that’s for certain but ’tis much much fun.

We had a lovely potluck this weekend with alot of good food.

And surprisingly enough a cast member who had given me a hard time apologized to me, sincerely. It was something I hadn’t expected but you know sometimes unexpected things are pretty amazing. Hopefully, just hopefully, he might not be such an arrogant doucheweenie. I’ll give him a second chance but I will still be wary around him.

I would have more but mother nature has decided that I must suffer for deciding not to add to the overpopulation of the world.

~ The Brooding Dragon




Usually on Facebook I try to remain a positive force or just an anonymous individual who posts about weird strange and cool stuff. I try to be positive and spread love, kindness, joy, whatever I can because I would rather be posting about that than my personal problems for the world to see.

But today…ugh. Today I don’t know why of all days today I posted something very vague.

“Dear emotions. Can you not? Thanks.”

I never do this to try to get attention. No. It’s a way for me to ease it out of my system so i can write about it later. And if people are curious then they can ask me about it and i’ll fill them in.

But for me…one picture, a stupid fucking picture was enough to send me into an emotional overdrive to where I just want to sob my eyes out. Why? How is it that one picture can set a person off into some emotion?

Well, in a way we are all guns. and we all have a trigger. Now usually were not cocked loaded and ready to go, the safety is usually on (I literally know next to nothing about weaponry so please bear with me while I make the general metaphor). But there are some days where that safety is clicked off and there is a finger resting on our trigger. Here is the fun part…sometimes we don’t even know it until we’ve gone off.

This is what people like to label as ‘triggered’.

It was the release to my emotions. Once that finger squeezed my trigger, all bets were off and the floodgates opened, pouring down my face and practically making me look more sick and exhausted than I already am. (I’m not sick. just exhausted.)

A single picture. Triggered me enough to feel rotten, undesirable, worthless, useless, and unwanted. It’s making the barrier I’ve slowly been letting down start to build up again because I don’t want someone to actually SAY that I am any of those things. Or to reject me again. Rejection only hardens us more to the world.

And I don’t want to have that hard tough shell around me. I want to feel more, love harder, and be all around more sensitive to people. But its so hard when I’ve built such a cast iron shell around myself to preserve my sanity. It’s a defense mechanism. One that has made me a pretty fucked up human and one that I need to destroy…

I’m trying. I’m working on it. Some days are better than others. It all depends on my confidence level, and my levels of insecurities.

I’m working on those too.

~ The Brooding Dragon