I’m really bad at this trying to blog about something a few times a week. Like uber bad at this. It gets even worse when my anxiety rears its ugly head and I start overthinking every little detail of my life for the past twenty eight years. Of course the anxiety gets worse when I’m super stressed about something like I have been for the last week and a half. (They call Tech week Hell week for a reason)

But I swear I overthink every little thing, especially when it comes to certain people or when I’m around certain people and right now it is starting to get a little grating on my nerves and damn near unmanageable.

I’m just ranting at this point.

But maybe it’s because I don’t want to be seen as a failure to myself. Lately I feel like I have let every single person in my life (or at least every single person I’ve come into contact with in the past two weeks) down. This is including the amazing cast i’ve gotten to work with, the kick ass production team I’ve had, the director, my assistant stage manager, my family, friends, even my own characters in my stories. I swear it feels like I’ve done something to let everyone down.

The logical part is I know it’s an over exaggeration. I know for a fact that this is my own brain fucking with me and leading me to believe that I’m just a fucking failure. This is what logic says. Emotion says otherwise.

And of course I don’t talk to anyone about it because I think I’m a burden to everyone and I have this lovely wall that keeps everyone out which is so so detrimental to me because I don’t want anyone to worry but of course it builds and builds and builds to where I can’t handle it and it all comes leaking out everywhere.

In short, the last week and a half was difficult. I’m not handling the aftermath well and I feel like a failure.

Hopefully I’ll try to post content that isn’t about my anxiety or anything like that in the future. but for you readers who are following with me and have stuck with me. Thanks. I really appreciate it.

~The Brooding Dragon

Birthday

So today I woke up and I smiled to myself because, it is my birthday today. Yet I don’t feel different. This isn’t normal as I haven’t felt much different as each year has passed as I age gracefully in this life. Today feels no different than any other day, save for the fact that it is indeed my birthday.

I turn 28 today.

Some people don’t actually believe me when I say this because of how I dress or how youthful I look or hell even how I act. I still feel like a teenager but there are things that I do and I go “Oh yeah I’m too old for that shit.”

When did I start feeling too old?

It isn’t because I am too old because I’m still a young twenty something woman, it’s because I haven’t taken care of myself and I am not in the best shape of my life right now. But I will get there.

But I am grateful. I am lucky. I’m not part of the 27 club. I’ve learned a lot in my 28 years. I’m still learning so much in them. But I am incredibly lucky to have made it this far, and I’m glad.

I cannot tell you how many times in these years (especially my teenage ones) where I felt like I was a ball of nothing, useless, unloved, all the angsty teenage crap that is mostly out of my system. And I’m glad I didn’t disappear, or kill myself or do so much harm to myself that I became a totally different person. I grew out of it, i over came it, and I learned. this isn’t to say I still get angsty once in a while, because I do, but I try not to let it get too out of control.

This year. This year 28 is going to be my year. I’m going to not be so much of a hermit, strengthen my relationships with dear friends, and even best friends, work on not being so awkward, stop trying to impress (unless I absolutely have to to land a role or a job), get a career going, do more in the theatre arts, make more art, try and get projects I’ve been sitting on out from under me and off the ground, etc.

There is too much to list and I’m going to take each day at a time.

Live more in the present even while I work towards the future, try and make this world a better place, and spread love, kindness, and being the change I want to see int he world.

This is the year guys.

This is the year where I will transform. It took me twenty eight years to get here. It’s gonna happen.

~ The Brooding Dragon

AZRF Weeks 7 and 8/ Things I’ve learned

The last two weekends were not so terrible and yet i don’t remember much about either of them. I think I got shot down by a child with a marshmallow catapult and another came to my aide to see if i was alright…but I actually don’t remember alot.

They were the final two weekends and they were bitter sweet.

But I learned alot.

I learned that a good night sleep does wonders for the human body. The last weekend was not kind to me and my body is still recovering from being drunk. That was not fun.

I learned that working the box office for a theatre company the night before faire is a bad idea.

I learned that its always fun to ask children how their day has been and watching their eyes light up when you give them something shiny.

I’ve also learned that “Hi I’m Syri, ask me anything” works better if I am dressed as a fancy pants courtesan. It was fun being a bandit. But I think if I got an upgrade I could play more with it.

I learned that I would use computer and tech slang to respond with when my brain farted and died.

I learned that you gotta push through even if your day is the worst.

I’ve learned that getting drunk and kissing everyone will give you a chipped tooth and probably cause you problems. And make you lose a good friend.

I learned that its okay to take some time to cry.

I’ve learned that a little help and a few kind words go a long way.

I learned that sometimes you need to bail on one thing to enjoy another.

I’ve learned that some days you feel lost but you’ll get through it.

I learned that it’s not okay to demonize someone because you are jealous, and its better to approach them and apologize if you feel like you’ve made them feel unwanted.

I’ve learned that not everything everyone says about someone is the entire story.

I learned that sometimes its better to let things go and not let it ruffle your feathers.

I’ve learned that I might have poly tendencies.

I learned that taking on too much can really lead you to a melt down at four thirty in the morning.

I’ve learned that no matter what happens I have an amazing tribe to vent to and to take care of me and me take care of them in return.

I’ve also learned I am an awkward octopus. Moreso than I realized and the the octopus god will approach whenever she feels like it.

This is just some of what I’ve learned. There is always more. I am growing as a human being. And trying not to take on too much.

~ The Brooding Dragon

Force of Nature

She was a force, one to be reckoned with, and not one to fuck around with. One moment she was quiet, contemplative, focused, and the next she’d be everywhere, laughing, shouting about something, and jumping up and down. Night an day is what she was, there was no dawn or dusk.

But that is not how it started. She started as gentle waves on the beach and grew to be crashing waters against cliffs. Waves I could handle and get lost in.

We met in Phoenix, during a business meeting between her group and mine. I was third wheel, so was she and we ended up sharing a room. Odd really since I thought we’d do two rooms, her with her best friend and best friends husband, me with mine and his wife. But it ended up as three rooms. She paid, not like she couldn’t afford it, but she paid nonetheless and told us it was “not a problem” and it was “her pleasure”.

A selfless act from a hurricane of a woman.

She and I shared a room.

The six of us ended up at dinner, a fancy restaurant up in the Hyatt, all of us dressed to the nines. I decided to tame the mane of hair I had just to attempt to look nice, but sometimes the hair does not want to be tamed.  She had just fluffed her freshly dried curls and was spritzing her face,  “so keep my makeup in place” she had explained, like she read my mind and plucked the question out of it.

I couldn’t help but grin as I escorted her to dinner.

I still remember the smell of her perfume.

Dinner, she was animated, telling story after story when prompted, complete with hand gestures and facial expressions. We were laughing until we couldn’t breathe and people passing by wondered what was wrong with the fancy dressed people howling with laughter in the corner.

She grew deep and passionate when she and her friend spoke about what they did and why they did it. My hand often found its way into hers and she never did protest.

We offered the girls a proposal but they declined, feeling they would lose their brand if they merged with ours. Of course while disappointed we understood, but they offered a compromise. Collaborations every once in a while. This was something we could agree to.

Our friends had retired to their rooms leaving just the two of us. Lucky me because I wanted to pick her brain.

“I’m not tired yet.” She told me, giving me a glance with her honey brown eyes.

“Where do you recommend we go?” I asked.

“If you are up for coffee and pancakes there is an Ihop.” She suggested.

We ended up at an Ihop twenty minutes later, and spent at least four hours sipping coffee, laughing, and chatting about our lives.

But she got deep, and when I noticed the melancholy look in her eyes I had to wonder, who tried to dull her shine, who tried killing her spark?

“What is it?” I asked.

“I’m overthinking,” She replied looking me in the eye, “I’ve been over thinking the entire night for the past five minutes wondering what you and your friend think of me and mine, what is going through your head right now, why are you still here listening to me babble on about myself.” It was sincere, raw, honest, and a part of me wondered why she had to ask.

I sat next to her, took her hands with mine, and looked her in the eye.

“You’re interesting.” I told her. “Far more interesting than any girl I’ve met and I’m not talking about what you could possibly do in bed considering we talked about the kinky side of sex.”

She snorted in laughter.

“I’m serious.” I told her reaching up to touch her cheek. I already saw the tears welling in her eyes. “You are a force of nature. That’s terrifying but you’re one of those forces that doesn’t need to be tamed. It’s mesmerizing to watch you and get lost in what your saying. Anyone who is scared of that is a moron.”

“You’re not scared?”

“I’m terrified.” I paused. “But I’m not running. Most people would run from the storm. I want to dive in it.”

That was when she kissed me.

And that is when I got lost in the storm.

 

 

I wanted to write something. It’s been a while.

~ The Brooding Dragon

AZRF week 6

I’m feeling so hungover from this weekend. We were in 90+*F temperatures the entire weekend and many of us wilted far sooner than we thought and somehow some of us survived.

Not too may highlights this weekend but it was not all bad.

  • I was able to gift a custom bone pin to the young man who made me laugh so hard for fifteen minutes upon the dias. This was followed by his dad being “miffed” (he wasn’t miffed) about not getting one himself, and we all proceeded to play it off with me begging for forgiveness for him and him making me feel so guilty to the point where I did feel bad. He was super chill with it but I’m gonna get him a custom pin anyway. Mwahahaha.
  • Being doused in water from head to toe. Holy sweet Jesus it felt so good while being in the heat and it helped me survive.
  • Having a lovely patron flirt with me and get me to blush. I swear this guy was smooth. Smoother than cocoa butter. He was a pretty man and I was almost knocked to my knees.
  • Gummi worms. My friend came with gummi worms and fed them to us. What made it so much funnier was one of the cast I was with was our plague doctor who we tease endlessly. I stuck one to the end of his nose.
  • I got inspired for more of my novel and my world building and events that will happen.
  • Playing with Will Scarlet and Little John on the dias because those gents are so much fun. They are super nice guys.
  • Getting to know a little more about two of my dear rennies. Because of this I love them so much more and they are even more dear to my heart.
  • SURVIVING THE HEAT! Literally thought I was going to collapse…

We have only two more weekends left and while I am sad I am also very grateful because I’ll get my weekends back and actually relax a bit more while I finish the semester.

Soon I’ll be posting more writing, thoughts and some inspirational posts. I’ve been writing more poetry lately.

~ The Brooding Dragon

AZRF Weeks 4 and 5

So Week four was kind of a bust. I didn’t get many highlights from it because I felt so weird and so off that I did not want to remember it. But there was some good and some lovely moments that came out of it. My personal favorite was an inside joke that happened with two of the cast members.

So to give a little background on these guys. They are known as the Heralds of MyeBum, Mashie and Niblek (not their real names just the character names), a father son duo who are so much fun to interact with and to watch. Their word play is absolutely wonderful and they are two of the most delightful humans to hang out with.

So I’m up on the dias (the nice big platform above the gates) with the boys and Mashie (the father) and I see this man wearing a shirt that says S. W. A. G. which stood for Someone Who Admires God. Mashie and I see this and were both like “okay cool bro that’s awesome displaying your faith and not being an asshole about it good for you” but poor precious little Niblek. He did not see the D until it was too late. This precious little eighteen year old boy thought that the shirt said Someone Who Admires Goo.

Yes. He thought this. The poor kid looked so confused. And he told the both of us out loud while we are standing on the dias. His tone was so pure, innocent, and genuine that I about died of laughter. His dad of course got a good kick out of it too.

And it didn’t end there, like he followed this up with question of what kind of goo were they talking about and I’m certain you can imagine where it went from there. Of course I am still cracking up loudly on the dias and I’m pretty certain patrons were wondering what was so funny that I was laughing so hard.

And in commemoration of that moment he is getting a custom made bonepin that says: “S.W.A.G. Someone Who Admires Goo.”

Good job Niblek. You have earned it.

This moment was also followed up by him and his dad freaking out while watching Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure with us and of course I had to give my stellar commentary. Because I could.

Weekend five was time travelers weekend. And it was hot like dear god it was hot. Yes I say hot and I survive triple digit temperatures in the summer. This is also because we’re in a dry dusty desert in multiple layers of clothing. Alot of people went down this weekend because of the heat.

I was almost one of those people. I had to step offstage to lay down in the entertainment office for a good half hour before I could go back out to entertain the masses. There was Air Conditioning in there and lord knew I needed it.

But many new bits came about this weekend. Which was good! I started leaving my mark on cast and patrons alike (that mark being a lipstick kiss upon people) its temporary that’s for certain but ’tis much much fun.

We had a lovely potluck this weekend with alot of good food.

And surprisingly enough a cast member who had given me a hard time apologized to me, sincerely. It was something I hadn’t expected but you know sometimes unexpected things are pretty amazing. Hopefully, just hopefully, he might not be such an arrogant doucheweenie. I’ll give him a second chance but I will still be wary around him.

I would have more but mother nature has decided that I must suffer for deciding not to add to the overpopulation of the world.

~ The Brooding Dragon

 

 

Cracking

Usually on Facebook I try to remain a positive force or just an anonymous individual who posts about weird strange and cool stuff. I try to be positive and spread love, kindness, joy, whatever I can because I would rather be posting about that than my personal problems for the world to see.

But today…ugh. Today I don’t know why of all days today I posted something very vague.

“Dear emotions. Can you not? Thanks.”

I never do this to try to get attention. No. It’s a way for me to ease it out of my system so i can write about it later. And if people are curious then they can ask me about it and i’ll fill them in.

But for me…one picture, a stupid fucking picture was enough to send me into an emotional overdrive to where I just want to sob my eyes out. Why? How is it that one picture can set a person off into some emotion?

Well, in a way we are all guns. and we all have a trigger. Now usually were not cocked loaded and ready to go, the safety is usually on (I literally know next to nothing about weaponry so please bear with me while I make the general metaphor). But there are some days where that safety is clicked off and there is a finger resting on our trigger. Here is the fun part…sometimes we don’t even know it until we’ve gone off.

This is what people like to label as ‘triggered’.

It was the release to my emotions. Once that finger squeezed my trigger, all bets were off and the floodgates opened, pouring down my face and practically making me look more sick and exhausted than I already am. (I’m not sick. just exhausted.)

A single picture. Triggered me enough to feel rotten, undesirable, worthless, useless, and unwanted. It’s making the barrier I’ve slowly been letting down start to build up again because I don’t want someone to actually SAY that I am any of those things. Or to reject me again. Rejection only hardens us more to the world.

And I don’t want to have that hard tough shell around me. I want to feel more, love harder, and be all around more sensitive to people. But its so hard when I’ve built such a cast iron shell around myself to preserve my sanity. It’s a defense mechanism. One that has made me a pretty fucked up human and one that I need to destroy…

I’m trying. I’m working on it. Some days are better than others. It all depends on my confidence level, and my levels of insecurities.

I’m working on those too.

~ The Brooding Dragon

AZRF Weeks 2 and 3

I missed a week. Sue me.

I’m a permanently exhausted pigeon and I really don’t sleep much when I am at home anymore. I sleep better when I am up north or camping out near the faire site because it means I don’t have to worry about hearing my niece wake up crying because she needs a diaper change or a feeding and her mother doesn’t wake up. I love my niece and my sister but I’m having a difficult time sleeping at home…it doesn’t feel much like home right now…

Anywho that is a different rant all together.

HIGHLIGHTS!!!

There are a few for the past two weekends.

  • I survived my first rainy days at Faire. I was cold miserable wrapped in two cloaks, changed my socks multiple times and was just not having it. I still survived. But the bright sides, I got a new cloak, a pair of warm wool socks, and some lovely purple fur lined gloves!
  • Been seeing a lot of familiar and lovely people at faire. You guys are fantastic and brighten my day and I always look forward to seeing you!!!
  • The Robin Hood crew made me an offer I could not refuse so I would join their side in a ‘turf’ war. Needless to say the Merry Black Widow was not happy about it. I’m sorry…I had beautiful men woo me and make me swoon and they offered me what I couldn’t refuse. A favor that I can call upon at any time.
  • Siri and Will Scarlet had far too much fun playing and flirting with patrons and each other.
  • SCOTCH EGGS AT THE VILLAGE!!!! I LOVE Scotch Eggs! The best ones I have had are at the village we have in Fairehaven because the people there KNOW what they are doing and how to make them FUCKING DIVINE! I swear it like a foodgasm in your mouth.
  • Apparently I found out that there are not one, not two, but THREE unknown individuals who apparently have a thing for me…I need to find out who they are…and go from there. My faire dad won’t tell me anything and I respect that because he was asked not to tell and he is true to his word. No. Joke.
  • Also…found out my faire dad gives euphoric massages. Oh. My. God.
  • I saw the most lovely example of Karma. This poor child…Oh man this was too cute. This little girl was with her mom and they were waiting to join the rest of their party at our mermaid exhibit. Now we have chains and posts to keep the line contained and we generally ask and warn people not to play on the post or chains. People go under and over then to get to their families which is technically a safety hazard. But then again these fuckers have no goddamn common sense when it comes to safety because they don’t care or they are drunk. So…this girl and her mom have kindly bothered me to ask if they can rejoin their family. I say yes and if they waited to get to a certain area they could join their party. Not two minutes later their party comes up and the girl darts under the chain, whips around, and falls flat on her butt. This was LITERALLY TWO MINUTES AFTER I had asked and mentioned not to play on the chains. Because if they do I get a free show and I get to laugh. Her mother burst into laughter at how funny it was and the poor girl started crying. I felt bad because I started laughing too because literally it was just perfect Karma. She was picked up and soothed by her mother and father and I felt so bad so I gave her a shiny gold coin. Regardless they got to see the mermaids and they enjoyed themselves. Which was good. We like making good and happy memories at faire.
  • I think I successfully aroused four out of five members of a cosplay group (both male and female. They were super great and my favorites of the weekend) AND one of them was able to successfully get my digits. I have yet to hear from her.
  • As usual I got to heckle men and ladies about their “kilts” (flannel or plaid printed clothing pieces) its literally one of my favorite things.
  • The head of the stage crews got a genuine reaction when he stole mine and Will Scarlet’s Wood (as in staffs, he stole our staffs, get your heads out of the gutter you pervs! Haha just kidding) so we chased him to get it back. It was one of the highlights of my day.
  • I got to do a magical ‘death’ scene in front of patrons because one of our cast members (Who mind you is five years old) had slain me. (Good job Casanova. Good Job. You can slay me very day just as long as Will and I are not having a flirt off)
  • I was able to help our Cardinal cheer up a lovely lovely patron. She had a very bad day, we escorted her to the queen and got her chocolate. I hope she is doing alright and I do hope to see her again very soon.
  • I had a man who was twice my size get upon his knees and grovel to me begging, pleading even for my forgiveness for missing the Dias time. He was forgiven. But its pretty damn funny when a man who is twice your size in height and muscle mass begs you for forgiveness. Like I think he was terrified that I might reign down the fiery wrath of hell upon him if he didn’t apologize. It was wonderful.
  • Apparently some of us are too good at our job and others are jealous. This being said, vendors got angry with us at the mermaid grotto because we were stealing business away form them. Sorry Vendors. I can’t be mad at that. you gotta make a living somehow. I respect you guys too much to make you mad. Attractions however where you charge money to see them…well…(Be warned tireade coming)
    It is NOT MY FAULT that the Mermaid Grotto got put next to your attraction, NOT MY FAULT  the producer put it there, NOT MY FAULT I was stationed there, and certainly NOT MY FAULT that we made it free and not two bucks for people to see. Also…NOT MY FAULT that YOU, you goddamn fuck weenie, decided to call me out and give me shit while I was doing what I was instructed and asked TO DO. If YOU want to bitch and moan, talk to YOUR higher ups. DO NOT take it out on me. YOU are a fucking adult. You should know better. Obviously you don’t. Not my fault you suck at Hawking your “show”. So please do me a favor and bugger off because if you come after me again I’m not gonna be nice and I WILL go to the director, assistant director AND producer.
    Hell hath no fury like a pissed off woman who acts more like a fucking adult than you do.
    Move along and learn some goddamn manners.
    (Rant over)
    I just get to relish in the fact that I can actually hawk a fucking show. Sucks to be that guy. I will make sure he does not do it again.
  • I taught many patrons about Consent. I got on a soap box about it.
  • New bits and new things came about this weekend.
  • I have an idea for a custom bone pin I need for my character.
  • I don’t have to be at Student Days for Faire!!
  • Apparently I get specifically requested to do things. Like work the lines at the Mermaid Grotto. it actually makes me feel super good when the stage manager trusts me to SPECIFICALLY request me to help out, even if I am a bit resistant to do it.

    And Finally…

  • And we got a life lesson from our resident Cardinal. Don’t be a cunt. He illustrated this with a terrible terrible example of a human being who treated women and people as things. Like…it was god awful and yes this guy was at faire. I won’t go into details but fuck man… The life lesson was, show love, make memories, show compassion and don’t be a fucking dick. Treat Humans as Humans. Not as objects.

Treat each other well guys. I’ll hopefully update Week 4 accordingly. Have a fantastic week. All the love!

~ The Brooding Dragon

Breakthrough

I have had a creative breakthrough!

This happen to me while I was copying notes from powerpoints in class but lordy lord I am thrilled!

I have book titles and I have endings for said books! Like no joke!

Of course I’m not going o release them until I ACTUALLY have them written and fleshed out. But I have a starting point! And Dear god this excites me so so much!

I still have a lot of world building to do and a lot of detail work to work on. Hell I might even give brief character summaries here of the players in this fucked up world I’m creating. And with everything going on in the politics and extremist world right now I have SOOOO much fodder to work with on how I want to structure everything. Plus it gives me a chance to research folklore, mythology, and history of multiple cultures.

This thrills me, truly!

I will tell you though…this story I’m concocting is going to be a trilogy. And perhaps I’ll have a collection of novellas to give more background and stories to the characters. But I think those will be released after I get these books done.

I have a big vision for this and I am thrilled. So thrilled that I am doing a happy dance.

Yay!

~ The Brooding Dragon

Still Hurting

And I’m still hurting…
The Last Five Years

 

 

TLDR: Long story short I’m feeling lonely on Valentine’s Day because I am single and went into a tangent about how the last pursued relationship I tried to have broke me.

But if you want to read the incredibly long post…

 

It’s Valentine’s Day again. So I’ve been spending most of the day reading, studying, appreciating the love from my circle of friends and family I have around me. I mean one of my favorite things was seeing my best friend and her boyfriend post a picture of the two of them having a milkshake. Like I squealed in delight because dammit they are so fucking cute together.

But then…there was a dull pang of hurt…an ache if you will, of seeing that photo. Two individuals who somehow by chance found each other and decided “Hey I like you. You are my human now” and then proceed to date and form a strong intimate relationship. Two individuals who by chance found each other and fell in love. They put in the effort for that connection and made it work. This my friends is a miracle. And I am all about miracles.

But the ache…the ache hasn’t faded. Just been pushed down so far that I forget its there until a day like Valentine’s Day comes along and reminds me of it. Or when I see a couple get engaged or married. Yes I’ve also spent the day on face book squealing over the tributes of love to significant others and seeing the disgustingly adorable pictures that came from it because I would rather bring them up than drag them down with my Debbie Downer approach to Valentine’s Day. They found their humans. Somehow against all odds they found their humans. which is amazing and wonderful!

Yet I still haven’t found mine…

And sometimes all I can do when I see happy couples walk hand in hand, or even kiss in public, just any display of affection, is fake a smile and ignore the aching pain and urge to cry that is swelling up inside of me. Push away that creature of envy that threatens to bring the slightest bit of conflict to my day…forget that I’m a single lonely almost thirty year old woman who has never had a deep serious relationship in her life and is still broken from trying to invest in someone who clearly was not worth her time.

I crave what the couple has, I crave it like an addict craves a cigarette or even a hit of a drug that will get them high, or that rush of adrenaline that makes their heart palpitate rapidly. My whole being wants what that couple has, so badly to the point where I tried too hard and fell down a dark and nasty rabbit hole…

And that rabbit hole has fucked everything over so hard to the point where I don’t even know if I can fix it.

I still ache. I still hurt. I am still broken and bruised from that rabbit hole nightmare…

To put it simply…I fell in love with someone who didn’t love me back…

I wasn’t what he was looking for.

It still hurts…but I chased him. I chased and pursued him so hard to the point where I crashed and burned. I had panic and anxiety attacks and I hurt, I ached every day. All I wanted in that time…was to be with this individual, to love him, to call him mine… and that burned in front of my eyes.

Because he never felt the same way.

It got to the point where it grew into an obsession and I acted like an incredibly obsessed fangirl who didn’t know how to hold it in or control it.

I lost myself in that rabbit hole. The one that broke me, pushed me to near insanity, and ripped out my heart, stomped on it and then shoved it back into my chest. After all that I was expected to survive? How?

How does one survive when their heart has literally been abused and toyed with for months and months?! How is this fair and how is it humane?!

I cannot tell you how many times I wanted to get the stupid fucker out of my brain and out of my thoughts, out of my heart but no matter what I did or how hard I tried I just couldn’t…

I couldn’t because I was naively hopeful.

I couldn’t because I firmly believed that the two of us could have something.

I couldn’t because gosh fucking dammit I was thoroughly convinced that he was my fucking soulmate.

And I realized…slowly…painfully…that it wasn’t going to happen.

Because he was hung up and convinced of the same thing…with another girl.

This was something that took me a long time to realize and process..and eventually accept. And when I did I crumbled.

I crumbled and fell so hard to the ground that I’m pretty sure I broke everything in me. It wasn’t just a breaking of my heart, it was a breaking of my friendship, my relationship, my trust in him.

It all shattered there and I disengaged from him. From a lot of things actually. I had to go into myself to recover from being dropped and shattered like a crystal figurine. And god bless them if it weren’t for some of my best friends I wouldn’t have been collected and put back together. I owe them so so much for dealing with me in my obsession and through my darkest days. Without them, I wouldn’t be standing on my feet and trying to heal from this blow I had taken.

But to this day I still ache. I still think about what could have been.

And when I think about it. When I think about what went wrong, I feel so…helpless. Because so much of it was out of my control.

The funny thing about being strung along on a wild goose chase is you don’t realize until the end that you are being toyed with and manipulated. And sometimes it takes your best friend or a group of them to slap you across the face and show you just how stupid you’ve been and make you shatter that image of the person you’ve been chasing.

He strung me along. It was tormenting really. The fucking bastard teased me, lured me, latched me onto his hook only to catch me and release me. This went on for months. MONTHS. And he never fucking said he wasn’t interested to my face. He gave me the bullshit excuse of “maybe not now but later because of x amount of reasons”. I should have called it quits then but stupid me wasn’t going to give up because I was stubborn, obsessed, and really not in a good place mentally or emotionally.

I was desperate. Looking back on all of this I was fucking desperate and dear god that was just…I am embarrassed to even post that.

There is still tension between us, more form me than him because I’m still hurting. Also I think he’s a fucking coward and an idiot for not knowing how to say “Hey this isn’t going to work”. Obviously confrontation is NOT his strong suit.

I gave up about seven months ago…and I’m still hurting.

Wow that was a really long tangent I took…

I think I needed that out of my system because I’m listening to sappy ass music and crying.

That ache is feeling a little relieved. But I am still hurting.

~ The Brooding Dragon